"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Patk · Member

Confused about functioning alcoholic family members

odalis · Veteran Member

Hi. Thanks for being here! You will find so much help and information. I have m y experience to share before I talk to you directly. I am new here also, and I also grew up with an alcoholic father. Him and my mother split when I was 10, but I CLEARLY remember the drinking that went on at all family events, every day way before that, probably I want to say since I was about 6. He was a good provider, but never there emotionally. He ruined my sister's 16th birthday. My sisters and I (I have two sisters) have all dealt with the emotions of having a very dysfunctional family (My mom never drank, but was also absent emotionally, especially once she and my step-dad got togther) She now is on medication for depression and trying to deal with her own demons. They were never abusive, but there was never any love or affection, communication, etc. which I beleive led the way to my relationship now.

Each of my sisters and me have grown and dealt with it in different ways. My older sister went away to college and never came back. She has moved to another state "to start her life over, get away and live the life she wants" in her own words. She will be 40 soon. I ran away as a teen and got into lots of trouble, ended up having a child at 15, and am now married to an AH (The father of my kids) I was so determined not to be like my mother that I immersed myself in school and became a professional, but I ended up in an alcoholic relationship just like my mother. My little sister, has had two "stable" relationships. (one now) that's in quotes because the two men are totally dysfunctinal themselves.

My point is I am the only one who has confronted my problems. I have been in therapy on and off for about 5 years now..to deal with my current and past situations. My anger issues and lack of knowing how to communicate I believe have stongly influenced my relationship with my AH now. I wish I had come to Alanon three years ago! Like you, I have tried talking to my sisters about our problems growing up. My older sister talks a little, but "doesn't let it bother her". She has pushed it so far into her memory that she shows no emotion when talking about how abandoned we all felt growing up. She tells me stories, but they are just stories. She makes no connections to how we felt, what we did to cope, etc.

She has detached herself completely. Whether it is acceptance or giving up, I now understand it is HER choice to do that. My little sister is the opposite. She is angry inside. everything bothers her. We used to argue all the time, and I cried because she'd hurt my feelings. She is still angry, VERY angry. SHe still lives with my mother, they fight constantly. She fights with people at work, and she makes things up. In her eyes life was absolutely HORIBLE when I left home at 16. And maybe it was, but IMO they were the same they had always been, except there was now only one person at home to deal with it instead of three of us. But she is entitled to believe what she wants. Maybe that is how SHE deals with it.

My mother calls me and tells me what sister did, sis tells me what mom did and it is a never ending cycle. Sometimes I listen. Other times I make excuses not to talk to them. Sometims I don't answer the phone, but I am learning to say "I really don't want to talk about this right now" OR I will say I'm sorry you are going through this" I used to get involved. The last thing I told my mom was " SHE WILL FIX HERSELF WHEN SHE REALIZES SHE HAS TO" Like I am doing now, but it was only when I realized it that it works.

Bottom line is My mother is CHOOSING to live like that. My sister is CHOOSING to find inadequate men to date. I AM CHOOSING to live my life wether or not in the end it involves my AH or not. And there is nothing I can change about any of those relationships unless I fix myself and my problems first. And if they never want to talk about it I will be fine with that. I am learning how to do that through AL ANON and therapy. I don't know if your brothers just don't want to deal with it (like my Older sister), are in denial that it ever happened, but whatever the reason is, they are just not ready to dive into that conversation with you or your dad. Unfortunately we have to accept that. But you can control YOU, and do what will give you sanity and closure and wil make you feel you have done everything you can do to restore your sense of sanity.

They might just not be ready. It does not matter what level of education you have. (I have two master degrees and went to college for a total of 10 years) . We can only do for ourselves, not for other people. We want to help, but we cannot help someone or change someone who does not want help. I am learning that through ALanon and reading evrything about Alanon. I hope you find good informaiton and insight here. I have found very quickly that ALanon is a great place to be!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and great share!

My first thought, your brothers are male. Most males do not know how to put many feelings into words. That does not mean they don't have them.

Plus does not sound like they had a female influence who helped them develop that part of them.

I was a widow and raised my son. He is one of the most sensitive men I know. BUT he is also very powerful as a man. He will not put up with someone hurting anyone or anything.

Your dad was not there to teach them much either sounds like.

You somehow, part being female, pay attention to your feelings, have a desire to look at them, figure things out.

It's all a matter of how one copes.

There is no rationalizing insanity. Your father is a very sick person, was a very sick person when he was younger and teaching.

Education has zero to do with this. Academics and emotions are two very different things.

It could be they do use and are A's. So then they have all the symptoms of being one.

I am so glad you are paying attention and hopefully can help your own kids.

Denial is a real thing. A person honestly is not aware of that which they are denying!

If I were you, since they know you are questioning things already, I would keep it light, stick to the now, and enjoy their company.Get to know them in this new environment. If you do this, they may surprise you and bring something up someday.

I have learned this by being with VERY troubled, hurt, abused, tortured kids. Just be their friend. I only had one in my life that did not open up.

This was a very good share. I hope you will keep coming back, we need you too!

love,debilyn

Patk · Member

Hi odalis and debilyn,

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated. debilyn, actually I am a guy. No worries since I should be more clear with my forum name (Patrick instead of Pat-sorry). I do agree with you that my brothers have a difficult time expressing emotions, especially poweful and intense ones. I myself have a big problem with anger, which might be a cause of bottling my feelings up for so long. Anger has been a real problem for me, and my wife here in Japan where we live is worried about it. With two young kids (4 and 2) I want to try and be a good dad and not repeat the mistakes my dad and mom made. Regarding my dad, I never felt as a child that I went without food, shelter etc. It was when I became an adult, the time of the divorce and after, that I really felt a sense of abandonment and detachment from my dad. Maybe he did the same as your sister (odalis) did, tried to after the divorce distance himself from the past and start anew. I am finding this site and the other Al-Anon lit helpful to read, but unfortunately here in Japan there are no Al-anon groups. The things that still tick me off are issues that are more than 30 years old, which I have not been able if I am honest with myself completely forgive my mom and dad. They stated on the divorce settlement document the lawyers prepared that " Patrick was the casue of the divorce, " and to add insult to injury my dad gives this &%#$ story about how the $400-500 he is giving my mother monthly for child support is directed to me for my university education. Jeez

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oops I apologise!

But as far as talking to your brothers the sentiment is the same.

If you stay in Al Anon, here, there are meetings in the chat room,read literature you can get here and Amazon,you will come to a better understanding of your parents.

When I really came to believe my AH was a very sick person, I did not get mad anymore,nor was I or am I bitter.

They had and have a horrible disease Pat. This disease is nothing they chose. It's hard to face, but unless an A is on a strong recovery program, they are basically insane. The brain is damaged by drinking, the rest of the body too. Some can heal some cannot.

I hope you will cont to come here. You can learn so much and your life can be so much better.

Especially with a family it is great you are reaching out!

I say that nothing they say or do means a thing. It's coming from a very sick person. not unlike if they had a fever or brain cancer. We would never accept talk from them with those two influences! With the A it is the diseased mind talking.

I wish it were different, that you had had great parents. That well crap you shared about it being your fault, is just that, bolony again from a horrible sickness.

We can choose to be better Pat. We have options.

Anger only eats us up and as you shared, hurts your precious family. My dear husband is acoa. He was beaten, whole family was. Horribly treated by his a father.

But I tell ya because of AA, he found a strong recovery program, he was the best husband and friend I could ever ask for. It was a brain surgery that took him away from me.

So i know, if you choose, Al Anon can for sure help you if you want it. I could not go to face to face meetings anymore. Most all I learned is from this great site. The people in this wonderful group are honestly some of the best I have ever known.

I hope you will come here and share, respond. the meetings are really cool.

Al Anon has tools you will learn to help you grow to serenity and acceptance. ONE day at a time. I would wake up for a long time, say,"today I am going to be in the moment and enjoy that, just for today," I tell ya it works,

Hugs, well look at you! A man who got thru what you did, and you are couragious enough to question and want to figure things out!! I am proud of you!

debralyn

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Patrick
Your story sounds a lot like my in laws story
You have gone a step further reaching to al anon will give you some answers you need to focus on yourself and if you could go to meetings it might give you mire insight
It doesn't matter how educated and bright the alcoholic is you are affected by the disease.
You didn't cause it you can't control it and you can't cure it
All the best don't look back go forward you will be surprised

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Pat,

WOW .. did we share childhoods? My s/father was a teacher and alcoholic, pill popper. It was a nightmare in our house. My friends thought I was so lucky to have him as my s/.dad and all I wanted to do was get out and as far away as I could. It used to make me ill that they had such high esteem of him and I knew what he was really like. Dr Jekle Mr Hyde at his finest. UGH.

Yes, you did not imagine your childhood. I agree with the other posters put the focus on you, head out to a meeting. Hugs and it so gets better and your childhood does not have to define you.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I just see it as..... you appear to be motivated and ready to deal with these issues, and kudos to you for doing so.... there is tons of help in your journey of recovery, and you sound well on your way...

As for your brothers - well, they don't sound like they are in the same (emotional) place or readiness as you are - they might get there someday, they might not..... Step one reminds us we are powerless over others, and you are unlikely to "lead them along to their recovery", as - like you - they will find their own recovery in their own time and their own way...

My ex-AW was raised in a pretty difficult, alcoholic upbringing with two (still-active) parents, and has lots of issues as a result.... Her brother, raised in the same home, is "happily in denial", as he doesn't seem to even accept that his upbringing was difficult.... To each their own....

Tom

Patk · Member

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for the kind and supportive replies. I will be visiting Canada in August for 19 days. I hope to attend some Al-Anon meetings (my first time to do so) and would like to buy some Al-Anon literature. Can you recommend the "best" or "essential" 5-6 books to buy that I can take back with me to Japan.

I have most of the important AA and some ACOA books (The Complete ACOA Sourcebook by Janet Geringer Woititz, Becoming your Own Parent by Dennis Wholey, and Homecoming by John Bradshaw).

Pat

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Courage to Change is one that comes to mind it's a daily reader. The other CoDependent book I love it's not alanon lit, however M. Beattie books anything by here the one that really jumps out in my mind is Co Dependents No More. I know others will have some great reads as well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"