Trying to feel acceptance, compassion, patience, understanding...instead, feeling anger, disgust, even hatred - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Trying to feel acceptance, compassion, patience, understanding...instead, feeling anger, disgust, even hatred

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You are able to stop the thoughts Usetobe with work and choosing to feel the opposites of what you are feeling now. Opposite of anger is acceptance...of the fact of the situation that you cannot change. You can choose to feel love instead of the fear which probably is the tap root of all of the negative feelings. This is stuff I learned in early program journey and still practice today. Give it a shot and that woman in your meeting was exactly right...She's "got it". ((((hugs)))) smile

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Usedto,

You don't have to feel bad or guilty about being human. It's not having the thoughts, it's what we do with the thoughts that matter. Lying is part of the disease....it's not going away.....acceptance of that fact and not allowing it to make our lives unmanageable or resentful will save our serinity and peace of mind. Remember is most cases if their lips or moving they are lying. What has helped me is never asking a question I already know the answer to. The slogan "How Important Is It" is very helpful to me at those times. There are many times I decide "not" to ask a question.....this keeps me from having to use my favorite slogan...."Don't React".

Useto if you do find a way not to have those thoughts please let me know, like you I haven't been able to grab those thoughts before they form in my mind either. But when they do I don't react to them as I have in the past.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Friday 15th of July 2011 12:42:59 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Once I learned and believed my loved one had a disease, I never got angry at him again.

I use the example of, would you be angry if she had brain cancer and acted like she does? Or if she had a raging fever?

She is sick sick sick! They do not choose this.It helped me to completely disengage from the disease part. Of course she lies, she is a sick A, its symptom the same as a diabetic can get low blood suger and that makes them nuts, you going to be angry at them?

I stll don't feel mad or bitter. I know he is sick, damaged forever I don't want to see him anymore as I KNOW the man I loved, is not in his body anymore.

Hope this helps some as your being angry only hurts you!

love,deb

Otie · Senior Member

Dear usedtobeanyer, I look upon feelings pretty much the way RLC describes.

I think all feelings are valid to FEEL. we can't stop a feeling. It is our choice alone as to how we choose to interpret, channel or cope with the feelings that we have. A thought is not the same as a feeling. Feelings or emotions can trigger our thoughts.

Yes, ultimately, you alone decide how you respond or act on your feeling, thoughts, experiences.

As to anger, I feel that it is a natural response to someone else stomping on our boundries. It is a type of alarm system that alerts us there is danger and that we need to protect our inner selves.

Please don't beat up on yourself, usedtobeanyer. As you already know, though, there is lots of help here as to how handle the very uncomfortable feelings you are having. Sooo many people on this board describe the very thing you are struggling with.

Hang in---you will eventually get through this.

In support, Otie

-- Edited by Otie on Friday 15th of July 2011 03:03:48 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

feelings are neither good or bad they just are, there is a great chapter in cho dependent no more that specifically talks about processing what we feel and allowing the energy of our feelings to flow through us. Hugs it takes time and you will get there keep trying it's the best we can do :)

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Well I don't react anymore, and that is good and progress and a testament to the program. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just don't know that I'll ever be able to reconcile the lying. I'm not even asking questions or reacting at all and I'm still being lied to. That hurts.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

We were talking about the lying stuff in another post. It's not you and it's not about you it really is all about deflection and them not wanting to face the reality of what the A is doing. I understand how hard it is to not take it personally. Finding that it is part of my own healing. Hugs :)

AnnieMar · Member

Dear usedtobeanyer,

I know what you mean. The lying is the hardest part, even when it's not about lying about big things. It causes confusion and makes one wonder when it's safe to believe your loved one. To be honest, I have to admit to feeling like my ego is involved here too. Like feeling indignant that he not only tried to 'pull a fast one on me,' but succeeded. But as others have said, it's part of the disease itself, and I'm finding it helps me detach a little and get a little perspective on it, when I really try to separate the disease from my husband. It's not easy though. And unfortunately how successful I am in doing that depends on my mood right now. Take care, and know that you're not alone in trying to deal with this very difficult aspect of loving an alcoholic.

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