The material presented
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My husband of 22 years has been sober for 18 years. But lately, although I fully believe him that he hasn't taken a drink, his behavior is unpredictable. I discovered that he is still in the habit of lying. I found out that on several occasions he went to dinner with a female friend and lied to me about it. A couple of days ago he said that he thinks this kind of lying is because he never completed the 12 steps, and that the personal inventory part is where he got stuck. What is so confusing to me is that he will open up one minute, and really seem to be completely honest with me, but then he will turn around the next day and be very defensive about it. I'm not sure who I am going to get from one minute to the next. It's not that I don't believe him when he says nothing was going on with this woman.. and other women that he says he's slightly 'pushed the envelope with'.. but that I feel as if I'm being bounced around back and forth, depending on what mood he's in. My question is, if a person is sober for many years, but hasn't completed the steps.. even though he did go to therapy, took up a physically healthy lifestyle, does meditation, etc.. does the alcoholic behavior of lying still stay alive and kicking, even if the lies themselves are not necessarily about huge things? Thank you for any insight you can give me.
I don't have any answers, just want to say I have similar problems with my qualifier, who I have been involved with at least 25 years. Lying and doing things that make me jealous, but I can't ever prove unfaithfulness. My qualifier is not an A and is not addicted to any substance, but he has the traits. I first met him long ago when we were in high school, and I felt that he lied to me then, mostly about girls. So he has not changed very much in 45 years.
Dear AnnieMar, each of us has our own boundry of what we will accept in a relationship.
For me, my husband having lots of dinners with several women and LYING about it the same as cheating our marriage. I don't know where it is written that an alcoholic should be given a special pass on this. I look upon the excuse of not completing the 12 steps as an extremely inventive excuse.
Most men cheating will lie about cheating (or having an affair) even when fully exposed. The next step is to be angry and turn to anger around on the wife.
Dear AnneMar, I so get how disturbing and hurtful this to you. You will decide how you want to deal with it. I do believe that facing the true reality is necessary whatever you do.
You are very welcome here---welcome to share and also recieve support.
Thank you very much, Otie and ifa. My husband said this morning that he will go to an AA meeting tonight, the first time he's gone in many years. And I think I really need to re-educate myself about the disease, because for some reason..with him having been sober all these years.. I guess I just hadn't connected the deceitful behavior to possibly being a 'dry drunk' for a long time. Thank you again so much for your replies. This seems like a really nice supportive place to turn to.
