Not Sure How I got here - Al-Anon Family Group

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Not Sure How I got here

Otie · Senior Member

Dear surfgirl, you are only trapped by this if you percieve yourself to be.

I know that lots of others will be along shortly to give you some experienced guidence.

In support.

Sincerely, Otie

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Surf Girl,

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I have a similar story as yours. I remember waking up each morning and having that feeling when is the next shoe going to drop. I lived in fear and dread for the evenings when my AH would come home. When I heard the lock on the door turn and the door open, the hair on the back of my neck would stand up and my body would tense. There was nothing I could do to prevent that physical response. I had no idea how he was going to show up. I tried my best to stay calm and not respond but found it impossible. I would get sucked in time and time again into arguments over nothing, just pick a topic, any topic will do.

I walked into the rooms of alanon again because I hated living in fear. Each day was simply a means to an end. I felt like I was being dragged face down on hot coals through life and the marriage I was in. I kept saying to myself, I don't want this in my life, I didn't ask for this, when can I get a break, I am a good person, nothing is wrong with me. So I was pretty self righteous and resentful that I had to go to alanon because I wasnt doing anything wrong. All I knew is that I hated who I became. . . an angry, resentful person who experienced little or no joy in their life. Little did I know I too had a problem.

You did not indicate whether or not you have attended an alanon face to face meeting. This place is great, however, there are no true substitutes for the rooms of alanon. I felt the warmth, acceptance, patience, and love from the members there that understood my problems as few others could. It helped me to start focusing on myself and turn my attention off of the alcoholic by going to meetings. I broke out of the isolation and misery by meeting with the fellowship after the meeting and having lunch or coffee. Little by little, my whole world began to change. I was no longer hiding what was going on in my house or the crazy thoughts in my head. I was able to share them in an appropriate place, the face to face meetings where I could see other members by their expression that they had been there too. It was such a great source of comfort for me to see that acknowledgement.

There is hope. When I started working the alanon program with a sponsor, my whole world changed. The relationship with my spouse has changed too. You can be happy joyous and free in the presence or in the absence of the disease. For me there is no one else in the world I would rather be with. The program has helped me to see what a kind loving person I am married to who just so happens to suffer from the disease of alcoholism. I would not change a thing in my past to have a better today. Every experience with alcoholism I have had has led me to a place of peace and acceptance that I feel today. The key for me was not just showing up to meetings, but to get really active in the program and begin working the steps.

Stick around keep posting. That is what I did when I was new in the program. It gave me relief and a little comfort when I had the crazies in the morning. This place can be heaven on earth.

{{{in support}}}}

Tommye

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Thank you both for the replys. This is the first time in 2 years I have cried, not from sadness but from relief that someone understands. I have not been to a meeting, I work a high profile job in my community, I work a lot of hours, I cannot get to the meetings locally as they occur at times/distances I can't make, and some of my fear of going to a meeting is being recognized, I know the meetings are anonymous but having the kind of problems I have could be damaging to me. I started seeing a therapist and that has helped immensely. My therapist is encouraging me to go to Alanon but in it's absence I have started reading the books, and using this message board as a place of community to read other's stories. I know it is no substitute but it has been literally a life saver for me to find this forum. I want to stay married, I love my husband, but I want to be happy too, it is good to know that I can have that whether I stay or go. I have learned a lot here, I mean A LOT and I am trying to put into practice what I am learning, it has helped, but I know I am a work in progress. Otie, you are right, I am only a victim if I perceive myself to be - that was like a lighting bolt moment for me. Tommeycat, you give me hope, thank you both.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

HUGS to you, glad you came in! Welcome!
As Tommye said, meetings the face to face kind are the best place to start. Along with the literature. I have been on this board for a year now (almost) and going to meetings only since April. I didn't go at first because I didn't think I needed it. Yes I do need it. The meetings are keeping me alive and so is reading the literature One Day at a time in Alanon, Getting them Sober and Courage to Change. I started going to meetings and got phone numbers of other ladies. I called them and I got support. I am looking for a sponsor now. I feel so much better when I can actually use the tools I am learning here to live a better life for me.
Remember, the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cannot control it. The alcoholic/addict is going to use, or not, what are you going to do? Take care of you :) HUGS! Keep coming! It works when we work it, and you are worth it!

Oh and if you have it read the page in One Day at a time for July 14.

-- Edited by youfoundme on Friday 15th of July 2011 10:39:21 AM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi surfgirl,

Like others on this board, I understand your pain and frustration. (I lived with active alcoholism for about 26 years of my 36 year marriage.)

Your post reflects a lot of awareness. You know not to engage him, especially when he is under the influence; you know the futility of looking for evidence. Moreover, you know that if you perceive that your life cannot change for the better, it will not. You're off to an excellent start, even though you might not feel that way.

As YFM suggested, reading July 14 in One Day at a Time would give you some excellent help. It suggest "inaction" in place of trying to figure out what to do with him.

Inaction, placing the focus on you, valuing yourself, and turning him over to HP - you get your sanity back! I know, it doesn't feel that way right now. But you'll get there in your own time. Take it easy.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome :)

You are not alone, you are not crazy. Focusing on yourself will take the pressure off of you to find out why you aren't crazy. You've gotten some great ESH, just keep coming back, keep posting and try and make it to a f2f meeting. :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

You aren't alone Surf !
a lot of us at first wondered how the heck we got here. I know I did and grew up with this disease of addiction as did my husband. I wish like crazy I had found Alanon so much sooner, when my kids were young and I wouldn't have passed on my dysfuntional thinking to them.
My husband and I moved away from our families when our children were young. Not to be cut off from them by any means we loved our family but just to get our kids away from the daily drama and chaos. We were so sure we were going to be the ones to break the cycle. So imagine our surpise when our son sunk into addiction. This was not our plan, not how he was raised, we definitly felt cheated as our family began to unravel.
Thank God for alanon. I crawled thru these doors about as broken and hopeless as a person can be. This was truly a last resort for me ( I wish it had been my first resort ). And wow I found all these people who's stories may differ a little from mine but they had or were having the same feelings, experiences etc as me.
This program saved my sanity and my life literally. It can do the same for you
Hope you get to meetings as soon as you can and get your recovery going
Blessings

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

.Not sure if anyone mentioned there are meetings here in the chat room twice a day.

I loved my ex AH very much too. Becuz of this site I was able to ignore his disease and behaviors and love him. Did not matter if he drank or not. I learned to love him as is. Cut myself off of anything to do with his disease.

When I realized how very sick he was, it was not hard at all. Because of his physical and mental condition I finally had to stop seeing him at all. He was horriby abusive after awhile.

If you keep going like you are, come here as much as you can, it is possible to find some serenity with them.

I believe we must protect ourselves from losing everything because of their disease too Finances, home, vehicle, bank accounts etc.

Keep coming, debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I was really worried about my anonymity, not that I was anyone special, but I was just really afraid that by going to alanon it would somehow get back to my alcoholic. I drove about 35 miles out of my way to attend a meeting in another city. I probably passed 10 other groups between where I lived compared to my homegroup. I live in a large metropolitan city in Texas where AA/Alanon has been alive for over 60 years. My homegroup is quite large and there are many public and high profile people that attend our meetings. Take comfort that anonymity is a very serious tradition we practice in the face to face rooms of Alanon. You may be familiar with the twelve steps, but we also have twelve traditions. The anonymity traditions are # 11 & 12.

There are several readings on anonymity in our literature. Just remember if someone you know sees you, you also see them too. They have just as much to lose as you do. Also, in face to face meetings you don't have to share, you can always pass and say I would like to listen and learn today.

If I did not attend face to face meetings and work with a sponsor I don't think I would have been able to learn some of the cornerstone spiritual principals that Alanon has taught me such as gratitude, powerlessness, surrender, detaching with love, compassion and forgiveness. Trust me, I tried. I think it is very difficut to understand these principals unless you see people share what they were like, what happend, and what they are like now as a result of applying these conceps in their own lives. The best thing to me about having a sponsor and face to face meetings is that the people there could see things in me that I could not see. It is through the abundance of love and acceptance in the face to face rooms of alanon that I began to recognize through others sharing that I had a problem. Once I did that, I was able to summon enough courage to pick a sponsor because I wanted what they had, the peace, serenity, and joy in my life that was missing.

Please keep coming back and posting here. We have all been where you are today and will continue to support you on your journey to recovery.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.