The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm amazed. Amazed at myself for my recent attitude.
I've talked to ABF several times the past few days. The first conversation involved the "I'm Sorry"...my response... "thank you" - "I've signed up for a program in jail".... my response.. "hope you get out of it everything you desire - "I really want to come home when I get out".... my response ... "lots of things have to change before that happens"...
In between conversations with him, I have been reading. Reading lots. Different websites, this message board, another message board and I even picked up a copy of CoDependent No More. :) I really started feeling "I CAN do this". I can love him and love myself at the same time, and loving ME comes first.
His attitude changed a bit last night during our conversation. His mood has changed. (from the withdrawl? who knows)... The first part of the conversation was all the things he needed ME to do for him. Car issues, bank issues, etc. I agreed... but on my terms. I wouldn't be leaving work to take care of it. I wasn't going to go out of my way to go here or there. I was in no rush to get money in his commissary. He didn't react very well to that. (much easier to tell him over the phone than to be looking at him)... Normally I would have jumped hurdles in order to accomodate him...... then the conversation changed. Now it's MY fault. My fault for the arguement... my fault for his actions... and my fault he's now in jail. He claims I'm just as guilty as he is for the arguement that we had. That my words were just as bad as his actions. I took it with a grain of salt. My only response was "I am only guilty of engaging you while you were drunk. And I'm done with this conversation".
So we ended the conversation, he called back later and tried the same again. I wouldn't have it. I'm going to visit him tonight. I REALLY need to have a sober face to face conversation with him. I'm nervous, excited, scared, etc... but I also feel strong today. I love him and want him to come home.... but I REFUSE to continue to put up with his crap.
~Kat
-- Edited by ELEKTRAWMN on Thursday 14th of July 2011 01:17:37 PM
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Good luck and just remember you are worth while. Keep the focus on you and allow him to worry about himself. :) I love Co Dependent No More, I know .. lol .. I've said that more than once, this time around for me I've worked the book big time by doing the exercises and it's made a HUGE difference. The nice thing is rereading what I have written just a month ago and realizing how far I have come in such a short time.
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Totally relate except my A is my son. He has been in an out of jail numerous times ( 1 charge just keeps breaking probation) in the last couple of yrs. Many of the time it's my husband and I that put him in there by calling his PO when he came home high. The first conversation after he goes to jail is always the most confrontational one where he too asks for all these favors, commisary money and the blame game. After working the program for a while I got the strenght to when he started in on any of these things to say "since i am paying for this call this conversation is now over and call back when you can be more respectful" Then on the first face visit he starts again and I say I didn't drive all this way for you to be disrepectful I will be leaving now and I left 3 mins into a 30 min visit. I only had to do those things once, now he knows the ground rules. If he asks me to call all his friends to let them know where he is blah blah oh hell no! Not my job, I tell him if they are such great friends see if they will take your collect calls, or write them a letter whatever but it is not my job to explain his actions, not gonna happen. As far as commisary that has to wait till we actually have some money so don't hold your breath, we usually put in enough for him to get toiletries such as soap, shampoo, toothpaste etc once he gets those we give very little. We remind him he isnt there on vacation, its a punishment and I am not losing any sleep at nite because he doesn't have coffee or candy bars. If you are going to see your bf face to face I would suggest you set the same ground rules, I used to sit there for a half hour arguing with my son and I am sure all the other vistors thought I was the biggest bitch around. But once I stood up and walked out my son never started nor did i an argument after that. They learn pretty quick in jail unfortunatly when they get out all that goes out the window unless you continue with your boundaries Blessings
You have grown so much since your first post only 6 days ago. If you want to know how much.....you only have to go back and read your first topic started "Hello I'm New Here"........I just did. You are in a better and different place now...Give yourself a pat on the back.
You had two conversations with your ABF, one filled with his remorse, one filled with the "blame game". Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or Good Cop and Bad Cop......It's the nature of the beast (disease). More proof that nothing changes when nothing changes. But you have changed and those changes look good on you. I smiled when I read your last sentence....."but I REFUSE to continue to put up with his crap". Keep taking care of yourself first.
Double HUG, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 14th of July 2011 04:00:56 PM
So I did it. I went to see him. Nervous as could be. He tried to start the blame. Stopped him in his tracks. I told him I loved him more than words can say and then told him I refuse to allow him to blame me for his drinking, for his depression and I won't ever let him do that again. Wouldn't ya know it.... he backed off and didn't even attempt it again. I forgot how easy it is to talk to him when he's sober....
It was an okay visit. We talked more about our relationship. He brought up the fact that we don't fight, even disagree, when he's sober. He gets it. Whether he TRULY will do something about it remains to be seen... I know that.
Thank you all for your strength, your guidance and support. I KNOW I can do this. :)
I WILL keep coming back!
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
Hugs Kat, so glad things went well for you. Keep up the good work and get yourself to a 2f2 meeting when you can. :) It's a God send and it really makes a difference.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your postings were part of what inspired me to join this group. I was in a similar place with my relationship not too long ago. It seems like you are doing great.
I really really liked when you said "I REFUSE to continue to put up with his crap."
As I was struggling with my ABF and our relationship, I said to a counselor - well, I just can't take it anymore! She helped me to see it another way. It's not that I COULDN'T take it. The truth was, I WOULDN'T take it. "Couldn't" broke down my confidence, but "wouldn't" built me up. There's a world of difference.
I am so gald your visit went well. As another member said it was your post that encouraged them to share themselves. What an inspiration. Keep up the good work!
Kat, keep reading and keep coming! The other book that I am living off of right now which is my guiding light is One day at a time in alanon. There are certain pages that are really helping me out. I posted them in another person's post, but I will say the few I can remember right now, so when you get the book you can look them up. July 14, July 5, July 1, April 4, April 18, April 20... I got this book on Amazon for like 3 bucks. It is very used, beat up copy, but with no underlining or anything in it. I often wonder who had it before me, that it was so well used and read, but the person didn't underline or mark a page like I am doing. For me, thats how I work, I am hands on so I have to. Glad you are here! It works when we work it :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
