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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Little slips
Post Info TOPIC: Little slips
Pushka


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Little slips
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This whole thing with the DUI just stirs up a whole lot of anger for me.  I have a right to be angry.  I have to remind myself healthy people would be angry.  It's what and how I choose to handle my anger that separates me from where I was a year ago and where I am now.  Filter from brain to mouth first, stop and think before speaking.  What's my motive?  What's the emotional payout for me?  Is it worth it?  As much damage as his drinking behavior causes, believe me my anger is no less damaging.  It damages me directly.  I ask myself many questions.  What would I do differently now than I would have done last year?  I don't have to stay angry for the next few hours, days or weeks  I get to experience my anger, be ok with it and allow it to move through me without causing my own collateral damage.  

It just hit me out of the blue tonight.  I have been driving him to work because he's working extra hours covering someone's vacation.  It's a 3am start time.  No one he works with is headed that way at that hour.  Again I made the choice to do it, I own that.  I know this as well.  It's 8 days in a row (it's almost done, short term pain for a nice check, kids go back to school soon)  .. so I now know my limits and that's a good thing.  4 days I'm good to go anything longer just does not make me a happy woman.  This early AM after yesterdays conversation really set me off, here I am driving his butt to work and I've got 2 cop cars on my tail.  I'm tired, obviously .. as they pass.  He actually starts in about how they were pacing me and watching me drive .. it's like ok what's your point?  Bitter much?  I still kept my mouth shut, at the same time I'm getting down with my bad self in my mind .. lol.   I look over and my husband was not wearing his seat belt OMG OMG OMG .. that REALLY ticked me off.  I had to dig deep NOT to just come unglued.  It's that selfish sense of entitlement.  He doesn't care if his actions cause us more grief.  More specifically me, he was mad this AM because I'm not so cheery at 230am .. again I did not get the memo that woo hoo 230am, let me get my happy on.  I'm trying to make sure I can drive inbetween the lines!  So sorry, I don't know many people who are Mary Sunshine at that hour and I haven't had the luxury of a cup of coffee because I'm planning on going back to bed .. LOL!

All I'm saying is flaming truck for breakfast today; it's in my little mental check box.  I might even get brave enough to go kick a tire or two later!  I'm actually headed off to bed and I plan on having a lovely fantasy of setting that POS ala flaming truck and the Mary Sunshine phone call I can make to the fire department!!  furious  What do you mean there was a distinct gasoline smell permenating the area?  confuse



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
mslouise


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" I have a right to be angry.  I have to remind myself healthy people would be angry.  It's what and how I choose to handle my anger that separates me from where I was a year ago and where I am now.  Filter from brain to mouth first, stop and think before speaking.  What's my motive?  What's the emotional payout for me?  Is it worth it?  As much damage as his drinking behavior causes, believe me my anger is no less damaging.  It damages me directly.  I ask myself many questions.  What would I do differently now than I would have done last year?  I don't have to stay angry for the next few hours, days or weeks  I get to experience my anger, be ok with it and allow it to move through me without causing my own collateral damage. "

Thank you for this today....I am printing it out so I can read it when I need that little reminder....exactly what I needed today and well said...thanks

And 2:30 am....uh yeah...not a happy camper!  He should be making your coffee for you!!!  lol Happy dreaming

 



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Loupiness


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I know that feeling of being angry as the direct result of a choice I made, and have actually identified it as a character defect. It's tough. For me it is the discord between doing what I want to do (help out) vs doing what I know I probably should do (let them find their own way). During these times, I am not only mad at myself, but I throw out guilt and blame onto the other person. Not good. A few times my kids have even called me on it. I'm still working on learning how to own it. Thanks for this post.

You have good insight. Thank goodness it is just a temporary situation. At least he is being responsible and making some money. i hope you are able to smother that fire with a pillow and make up that sleep. How great that you can find a lesson in such an annoying situation!

Blessings,
Lou

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flopadopilus


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I like your awareness and sense of humor! Keep up the good work and try to get a nap!

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To accept the things I cannot change,
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And wisdom to know the difference. 

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xeno59


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I do love your sense of humor through all this. I think it is one of the most important things we need to hold on to in order to survive
As far as anger with this disease I found this for me is true...I can usually trace my anger back to a fear so my anger is fear based. In your case my fears of having my spouse drive drunk would be... he could hurt someone, he could hurt himself, could cause damages you would have to pay for, could lose his job, go to jail, you may have to do without to pay fines etc.
Once I identify the fear then I can give it to HP ( whom I call God )
My son is my A, my current one anyway and thankfully never got his driver's liscence I mean truly a blessing as my son's drug of choice is hallucinigens and God only knows how many people he could hurt if he drove while high. But I do fear for him getting hurt and he has hurt himself ( nothing major but enough that I know he's been using). He has OD'ed etc and before I learned better I was damn angry all the time. Oh also in trouble with the law.
But now that I have been taught to identify my anger and fear i can let go of it much quicker than i did before.
And yes they are extremly selfish, it's all about them. I have learned the word NO. I have learned that NO is a complete sentence. I need not explain myself. When my son is in trouble like right now he is in jail he writes to ask I do him "favors" Like can you call so an so or do something else. I am not comfortable doing these things and now I can say that and not feel guilty. Because they also know how to lay on the guilt. I have had enough guilt to last me a life time I don't need anymore thank you.
When I first started alanon my son couldnt have cared less, when my behavior started to change towards him fireworks went off. He is a very gentle kid but knows very well how to push my buttons so since he didn't like my 12 step group my punishment as he saw it was he would never attend a 12 step group cause thier for losers. Well he is in jail now and guess what attending 12 step groups go figure. He may be doing it out of sheer boredom or because he actually wants recovery I have no idea but he's going and hopefully will hear something that clicks for him.
Anyway thats my 2 cents... hope you had a good sleep
Blessings

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Pushka


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Hugs and thanks you guys :),

Where I am frustrated is the unknown right now, I don't know what the outcome is, how much money this is going to cost as if it hasn't already cost enough. Fear and worry which I know totally pointless. It's not going to change what is written on the paper when we finally get it. I can worry, fret and fear and then what right? Bah humbug. Something my AH constantly says to me is "it hasn't cost us anything." Really? Which part of "cost" are we referring to, trust, mutual respect, how does someone put a "cost" on something along those lines. Oh it's going to cost $$ wise it just hasn't gotten there yet. It will. I feel sad because I don't know if the "cost" of the trust and respect will ever be returned, right this second I don't know.

I did get some sleep it was restless .. LOL .. that's ok. I got my coffee of choice and I'm flying. We are off to do a few things, hubby will wind up being at home alone for a bit, that's ok with me. It's library day again. :) The truck is still standing so that's a good thing. :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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YOU are a crack up!! Or are you just cracked??

It's great to see you using your humor to get passed this FUN stuff! I was so afraid you were going to say he got his check and disappeared to the bar...

Hey make sure you do pick him up when he gets it. Sounds like YOU deserve a BIG  bonus!

So glad you are here! love,debilyn



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Pushka


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Debilyn wrote:

YOU are a crack up!! Or are you just cracked??

It's great to see you using your humor to get passed this FUN stuff! I was so afraid you were going to say he got his check and disappeared to the bar...

Hey make sure you do pick him up when he gets it. Sounds like YOU deserve a BIG  bonus!

So glad you are here! love,debilyn

LOL .. ohhh Deb, that is one thing my husband knows so not to do.  Thank goodness for auto deposit!!  If he disappeared in that way he'd be the first to say "have you met my wife?  Please hide me make me disappear!!  Life as I know it is OVER!"  Hell to the no, I'd be on CNN.  Crazy lady lost her mind and her husband is no where to be found would be the title .. LOL!  Working at the funeral home was probably my husbands worst nightmare for himself .. LOL!!  When I say I know people .. LOL .. I KNOW people .. LOL!  I'm just kidding.  evileye  Thankfully, he's done some things I would deem unreasonable.  His moral compass has still guided him and I'm grateful for that.  It's the one thing that gives me hope for our marriage.  smile



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Mattie


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I wonder if you would be less mad if you didn't drive him to work at 3 a.m.?  Not saying to do this or do that -- just something to think about.  I know I used to think, "Oh, I have to do X -- if I didn't, this or that would happen..."  It was that old devil codependency, wanting me to take the moral high ground and show him how superior I was and how reliable and helpful, and maybe make him appreciate me... But really I was feeding my own sickness and protecting him from his consequences.  We all have our own situations so you know yours better than anybody.  Hugs.



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youfoundme


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Pushka, I take my guy to work and pick him up as well because he has no lisence. He is due to get his back in August...he too doesn't wear a seat belt. I have commented on that before "you should wear it so you are a good example to my kids" and he says "I am an adult"... yeah I know. So if I get a ticket cuz you aren't wearing your seat belt then you are paying it. Ok he says.... ARGH! Ok, he's an adult, breathe...can't control it...I will keep wearing mine.

As for me, I am going to keep reading certain pages in ODAAT in alanon. That book is my guiding light right now. Along with this board and my alanon real life friend. But that book, man it has so much in it that is helping me live with an active A. Pushka, I am right there in the thick of it with you. The pages I am reading are: July 5, July 14, July 1, April 4, April 18, April 22... I could go on but those are just a few to keep us going :) Keep coming, hugs!

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mslouise


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For me I would not think the seatbelt thing is an issue of control....It's my car I'm driving him in, or I am the one driving ie I will get the ticket...also would not want to feel more responsible for someone if an accident did happen and everyone in my car was not buckled up.  This would be an important safety thing to me...I would have to treat him like my 10 year old...if your not buckled up and you want to get from point a to b...this cars not moving wink

my two cents on that one lol



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Pushka


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Thankfully the 3am thing is coming to an end. Yes, I'm sure if I was sleeping for more than 4 hours I would be a much happier camper .. lol. The funniest thing that happened yesterday when I picked him up was he did not hesitate to put that seat belt on. It was a control thing on his part and he was mad I wasn't happy in the AM whatever, get over it, normal people are sleeping not being boxed in by cop cars. I had not said a word about the seat belt I was waiting to see what next kind of thing. I already had in my mind no seat belt no drivie, and I had a plan if he didn't I was going to pull the car over and literally tell him to get out.

I've been known to do such things, something that has come up since he does not drive is he likes to tell me how to drive .. lol. Especially this year, I just do not play with that, the State deems me responsible enough to drive. I know mean mean mean, however it's the truth. That ended as we were on the side of a country road and I'm pointing to the door saying get out. It shocked him more because I was not excited or yelling, anyone who knows me wouldn't even know I was mad. I'm not going to sit and listen to someone who has no valid license TELL me how to drive .. lol. So at least that has stopped.

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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