You gotta want it...more than anything - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You gotta want it...more than anything

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry about that post, it didn't bring my share over with it :( So now I will try to re-type that part. I get the part of it saying to want this program of spirituality more than ANYTHING and I am now trying to apply that in my life. I can already feel some of the changes going on and last night was a great example to me of how things might be with him gone. I played with the kids, we had supper, and we laughed a lot. I was there in the present moment with them. So I learned from that time that I need to keep doing that, as we always did before. My son (8 year old) needed help getting onto a swing. It was high up. I couldn't lift him, so I asked my older son to (he is 14 and bigger and stronger than I am). He did it but in the mean time said "mom, if we keep doing it for him, he will never learn to do it himself"... And I was in complete awe. I realized then that what he said applies to the A situation too. That if we keep doing for the A they will never learn. If we keep focused on the A, the disease will continue to prosper. When we want this spiritual program and keep our focus on ourselves, we no longer feed the fire of the disease. Then it is on them. I am going to keep coming... Thanks And I hope I quoted that thing correctly. Thanks Tom!!

Otie · Senior Member

Dear youfound me, thanks for posting this.

Quite a powerful piece of info. to have!

Otie

ifa · Veteran Member

"he just has to realize that down deep, you are no longer terrified to lose him."

Oh yes, I want to get to that point. I love him and I don't want to lose him. But I also sometimes make him my HP and my lifeline. We used to have a business together and then it was much worse, because it seemed like my whole life depended on him. And of course he made the most of that, and rejected me and ended the business any time I got out of line. After being tortured in that way for a few years, I got a job so at least I don't depend on him financially. And boy did that piss him off! But I had to, because I couldn't tolerate financial insecurity and emotional insecurity at the same time.

In recent years I got involved in a hobby that takes my attention off of him. If he rejected me my life would hardly change at all, except for not having him. I would be extremely sad, but I'm sure I would survive.

I want to be healthy and to do my best for myself and for the relationship. If it ends anyway, I will be ok, and I will know I was not unfair to him. What really kills me is when he gets mad and rejects me, and blames everything on me.

The most important thing for me to remind myself of is that my qualifier is not my God. He is just a sick human being.

Freya · Veteran Member

youfoundme, I love this quote. I've read the book too, courtesy of a very kind canadian on this site, and I loved everything about it. This part of the book really hit home for me too. I made my A my HP and have been terrified for years that I would lose him. Periodically throughout our 7 year relationship he has said he wants to leave and I have been devastated and panicked, right up until two weeks ago when he did it again and I said ok. I've sat here and cried and sobbed, and have raged and ranted about him to my sponsor and friends in the fellowships I'm part of, but I haven't tried to fix anything. For the past couple of months since reading the book, I've been working hard at bringing the focus back onto me and I've lost weight, been eating much more healthily, been to visit friends and spend time with people who nurture me and love me. I've been doing so well, and my partner has noticed it, and I think he may have felt threatened by the changes. I think this latest attempt was him trying to gain control of me again and it hasn't happened. I realise that although I don't want to lose him, me focussing on my recovery is more important than me focussing on him. I am so grateful for this fellowship, this website and my friends in al-anon and here online who are helping me to change. Thank you for sharing this, I'm so grateful to read it again today. Hugs, Freya :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My book has like page one: letting go or page two: support on the inside jacket. that book is so full of truths and made it 100% easier for me to "get it."

I think I lent it to my son or daughter. I want it back! lol

I am not sure if it's ok to post things on the board anymore, I always loved it when someone put the daily one day at a time and courage to change things on here.

Tom since we are not governed totally by Al Anon, can we do that again? I would love to do it. ?????? I saw they do on the AA board.

love,deb

-- Edited by Debilyn on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 12:00:03 PM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Freya :) I think the other great reading I forgot to mention was that of ODAT's July 14th. Another great and very similar thing...

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

When you stop the talking about 'it'-------and just 'do' the actions----- he WILL know it--------his alcoholic radar will pick up your healing and he'll know that he no longer can get away with what he got away with before.

My ex-AH, who is back home with me, said something very similar to me the other day. While he was in rehab, he kept saying, "You're different." I did not ask him to elaborate. We both knew what he was talking about.
Lots of wisdom in your post. Hoping many will read it and apply the message.

-- Edited by youfoundme on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 10:26:21 AM

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks DebiLyn and GailMichelle! Debi, I really want to post tomorrow's One Day at a time, that is the other page that is really standing out as something to share. July 14, One Day at a Time. They do post pages on the AA board as well as the NA and the AA big book can be read on line in a PDF. Why is the alanon stuff so hidden from the world? If someone googles One Day at a time in alanon they get a link to buy it from amazon and thats it. No PDF for us :(

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs YFM :) You go and you keep on working. It makes such a difference, I find it's like a weight that has been lifted off of me and all of a sudden I can move. You keep on keeping on. :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I read a few in the series of "Getting Them Sober" thanks to canadianguy also and I am living it now and am so greatful for all the useful people with their ESH from this site. Thanks to you all for being here with your love and support!

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