The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just had a call from an alcoholic relative telling me they have a week to leave their home due to being evicted for not paying the rent, and then breaking a court agreement to pay the arrears in installments. This in the week after she spent hundreds on birthday presents for her son and for his school prom. In the past when she has called me I have called my parents and between us we have made the problem go away by bailing her out. I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to enable her any more. I listened and said I was sorry she was having such difficulties. I didn't offer to take her in or help with her payments. I am tired of trying to save her and then watch her get herself into another mess. She does not consider herself alcoholic and isn't in recovery. I haven't called my parents to tell them what is going on. I am so angry with my relative, as she had a good job and the means to pay her rent but she just didn't. She told me on the phone, "it's all my own fault this is happening, I've just been really stupid and buried my head". This is also what she says each time she gets herself into this mess. I feel terrible for not offering to do something to fix this, but I don't want to be involved in her chaos any more. I don't know if and when my relative is going to bottom out, but she has been involved in some pretty scary situations. I feel like such an uncaring person by not rescuing her but I know from being in al-anon that if I race in and start controlling this she won't have to face the consequences of her actions. But she has two teenage sons and nowhere to go with them. i cannot believe she has done this to her kids. I am so angry with her. I managed not to be angry with her on the phone and just listened and said I loved her and was sorry she was experiencing this.
Has anyone got any ESH to share on this? I'd be really grateful if you did.
It sounds as if you are really working your own recovery wonderfully. It can be so hard not to jump in and try to fix things, because I think if we try to fix things, we can stay in denial about the problem -- "There! I bet that will take care of it!" But you sound as if you're facing the fact that she really is the author of her problems and she'll go on creating new ones if she's rescued. That's a big step.
When people such as your relative face new behavior from those around them, they typically have a "Change back!" reaction. They test and test to see if they can scare or manipulate the person into doing the old behavior again. I have seen this so often in my own family. It helps to know that the "Change back!" reaction is a predictable part of the process.
I've also been amazed at how resilient A's can be. I know one who declared every time that he would be out on the street, he had no hope, he might as well kill himself, etc. -- unless somebody gave him some money. (They say that any time someone threatens to kill himself, you should just call 911. In this case nobody did because it was literally about the thousandth time he'd mentioned it, it was like clockwork.) Every time, if he didn't get money, somehow he came up with a perfectly fine place to live. He also came up with money to drink that whole time. We seem to be the ones going through the real stress, not them.
I know how hard it is to say No, especially the first time. Keep taking good care of yourself. Hugs.
In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. The ONLY way to make people accountable.... is to make them accountable. Some people always have to learn the hard way, but once they do... they usually don't do it again. You are working your recovery, and as hard as it is, continue to reassure you love her, but make her accountable. It is unfortunate with kids, but it will leave a lasting impression of what NOT to do next time. Stick with your program... sounds like it's working for you.
You are working your program and that's a good thing. :) Unfortunately A's leave collateral damage in their path, and the kids are usually the first to suffer after the spouses. That is sad, you can only do so much though and just listening is a good thing. :)
Hugs :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you so much for your support, it means so much to know I'm not alone with dealing wtih this. I've just been to visit my relative and be "an ear", she was really angry with herself, and also talking about suicide. It was so hard to listen. I have offered to give her a lift to a place where she can get some help and advice she needs tomorrow because she doesn't have a car and has no money for transport, but I haven't given her money or offered to take her in at my home. I also haven't told my parents about this although I feel worried sick about her, and angry that I am now carrying that worry and having trouble putting it down. It was so sad listening to her today. She said she felt like a terrible mother and that her children shouldn't have to pay for her mistakes, she was also talking about how depressed she is and how she has been feeling suicidal because she can't see a way out. I stayed with her while she made a call to her doctor, and have arranged to pick her up tomorrow. I feel so angry with her and frightened for her, as well as desperately sad. She is very ill. I am going to a meeting tonight, and hope that I can find some serenity around this. I feel so powerless. Even though it's reached this point, listening to her today it didn't sound like she'd reached her bottom at all. She was complaining about where the emergency housing was thinking of placing her if she qualified for a house and was saying that she didn't want to live where they were thinking of putting her. It was like she kept flipping from anger at herself and denial. I love her so much and watching this is heartbreaking.
Thank you for taking the time to write your replies to my post, it really means alot. Freya
I think you are doing great Freya, thats just what is suggested in Alanon, to let the A have their troubles. Do not try to keep them from the consequenses of their drinking. It may just be the one thing that saves their lives :) I like that :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Freya, stay strong. I'm in the process of not rescuing my A/A dr. and her A/A 26 y.o. son, who are homeless, it's much easier than I thought it would be, and I finally learned how to keep the focus on me, instead of feeling sorry for them, I think of all I've done for them in the past, all the lies they have told me, all the money they owe me, all the nights I've stayed awake worrying about them and later hearing that they were partying and having a good time. I realize it's the disease, I'm not mad at them, but they have choices just like I do, and today I chose to live and have serenity and a glimpse of happiness.
Freya, the only thing I wanted to add when you talk about worrying about your relative and I know it is so much easier said than done. I'm starting to break down what I am worrying about and putting it maybe instead of the detail like we women tend to think sticking it in a compartment like men do. Men and women just think differently about how we look at things. It's not a free pass for why the toilet paper doesn't get back on the empty roller, .. lol .. it's just easier for me to look at things in a less emotional place. Again it's not a good or bad thing it just is. A. I can then ask myself if "worry ever moved a rock" and my answer is no and dang I'd be a rich woman if I could do that .. lol. B. I then turn it over to my HP and ask that He take the worry from me and help lead my source or worry to the right place for the highest good of the source of worry (relative, whomever). I'm just finding as well as seeing, my mother is a chronic worrier and I have dear dear friends who do the same and the energy I expel in doing so I would rather put somewhere else.
I hope that makes sense, I think I'm a little hopped up on caffeine today .. lol. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If you keep on doing what you have always done you will keep getting what you've always got....the definition of insanity Good for you in working your program and not doing the same thing you have done in the past. I would tell your relative I am sorry your choices put you in this position and I hope things work out well for you and then take a big step back. Until they feel the natural consequenses of thier behavior there is no reason for them to change, ever. So glad you got out of HP's way, HP has a plan for her if everyone would get out of his way. And it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, what you did took great courage and in the long run the best thing you could have done for your relative. So don't feel guilty. HP has her now Blessings
Wow Freya...you have got the tools and you don't like the job and then what you have done, which I see is support, is solid. Program tells me "don't enable the situation to get worse" it doesn't say don't be supportive. Glad your getting out of the anger and using the acceptance...3c's still apply. She sees her picture real clearly now...what is SHE going to do about it? I just got thru talking to a relative I love the heck out of and who is having "effects of addiction" problems in her life. We talked and listen and I offered the program we are practicing to her and was met with a "but I don't like big groups". I said to her "I hear you saying that you want change....but." It's okay consequences are hers...for today only.
Thanks for your ESH in return...watching you work it is how others learn. (((hugs)))
Thank you again for your support and ESH, it really helps to know I have that here and can come any time to read ESH and share my fears. I went to a meeting last night and shared there about what was going on and I left feeling loved and understood. I am so grateful for this fellowship and the support and friendship I find here at MIP and in meetings f2f. I'm seeing the reality fo alcoholism running through my family, in a way I haven't seen before. I am out of denial...
I can see how sick I have been in enabling her in the past. yesterday I remembered a bunch of stuff I had forgotten about my parents bailing out my relative's alcoholic father right through my childhood, and the rages, car accidents, arguments and chaos around my uncle. My relative and her brother are both alcoholic and it is never talked of in those terms in my family who do not see or acknowledge any alcoholism at all in the family. Other family members just see my relative and her brother as "chaotic". As far as I knwo I am the only person in my family in recovery, and so it's hard to talk with my relatives about how I see things as we come from different places. They just see my A relative as a bit of a drinker, and her brother as a nuisance.
Thank you for being here and for being so supportive. I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof right now and am so glad to be able to write it out here. (((((((Hugs)))))))
