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My mom just kicked my alcoholic dad out of the house. He went to rehab about 2 months ago, but relapsed, and so she kept her word. My question is - do I contact him to talk about it? Let him feel alone for awhile so (hopefully) he realizes the consequences? This sucks...he just visited me, and seemed to be doing so well..
Hugs hoyas, what a confusing situation to be in, I've got no experience in this area. An alanon meeting would help you just as far as sharing and finding out if someone had been through something similar. I guess it depends on what it is you want to get out of the situation? What's your motive? Can you reach out to him without getting sucked into the situation? Those are all things that only you can answer and no one else can do that for you.
I wanted you to know no matter what, and even if no one else has been through exactly what you are going through, there is always someone here and you are not alone.
Hugs again :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is between your mom and dad , let it be . You can have a relationship with your father , your mom has obviously set a boundary and she intends to keep it , your dad know s what he has to do to fix this ,leave it with him . I know this is hard but you have your own life to live and as has been suggested an Al-Anon meeting would help you alot Ihope you find one soon , do it for you .. Louise
I agree with Abbyal, let him deal with it. I went through this with my AH a few years ago when he relapsed. It is really uncomfortable for the kids but it is not their problem to have to figure out. Sounds to me like the AH has to decide if he wants to drink or be married and only he can figure that out. If he chooses the bottle, no one can help. If he chooses sobriety and his marriage only he can work that out also. Let your Dad know that you love him and let him work out his own issues. Keep working your program, it works.
Dear hoyasfan123, your emotions are in turmoil about this, I imagine. Isn't it always the case that the kids feel caught in the middle when the family suffers a disruption such as this? I am assuming that you are, at least, a young adult. No matter the age though, these feelings run deep no matter what the age!
From my perspective, I also agree that this matter is between the two of them. It might be good to gently let each of them know that you consider this a "private" territory that you are not going to get into. You can tell them that without being "disloyal"---you can still show empathy and caring.
You still have your own relationship with your dad that you own. You are not being disloyal to your mother by owning your relationship with your dad. That relationship will always be there (whatever the nature of it). The hardest part for any loved one is to try to seperate the person from the disease. Alanon can help you with that.
This is a life bumb, but you will get through.
Come back as often as you like!
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 08:46:17 AM
Wow Hoyasfan this sounds like a very emaotional situation. Just take care of yourself and try not to react or get yourself caught in the middle. It sounds like you are working a good Al-anon pragram, keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Aloha Hoyasfan.. "he just visited me, and seemed to be doing so well..."
He's okay then.
Maybe visiting your Mom and asking her what she knows would be helpful. Being a life long victim of the disease of alcoholism (for me) I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.
I have to agree with the above posts that this situation is between your mom and dad. Your mom set boundaries and she stuck to them. A very hard thing to do But there is nothing wrong with you having a relationship with your dad at all Hoping that you are getting to alanon meetings for yourself, it will do you a world of good I promise You may have to set your own boundaries at some point, it would be great if you were already in the program and had the fellowship to support you. Had I understood the effects of growing up with addiction when I was young I would have ran not walked to the nearest alanon meeting i could find to start my recovery. Because growing up with this disease our thinking and coping skills become distorted with out realising it. And while neither my husband or I had addiction problems we definitly passed along our dysfuntional ways to our children. Never occurred to me until our son became an addict. Unfortunatly no do overs, so now I work my program like crazy so that despite what my son is doing I can maintain some sort of sanity and peace. Blessings
Thank you so much for your responses. I actually don't go to al-anon meetings at this point, but I think you all have talked me into it. I really appreciate all of the advice!
