The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just keeping honest here, so I want to say this now. My bf last week starting Wednesday gave me his debit and credit cards to hold on to so he wouldn't buy alcohol during the day. At first I hestitated because I thought "I don't need to babysit his cards so he won't drink" but then I felt that it would make me really comfortable being that he is at the house with the kids during the day. He isn't the type to get cranky if he doesn't drink, I came home gave him his cards at the end of the day and if he wanted to buy at that point, it was up to him. Today he didn't want to give me the cards, he said "I am not giving them to you today". Eww I didn't like that feeling! I thought I was powerful over alcohol! I held his purchasing power in my hands for 5 days! (Thunder and lightening show ensues now!)....not so much. I don't have any power over it do I? So then I was on the pity pot for a while this morning. I felt sad and mad about it. Then I read Rora's post about gratitude...and I realized I need to give this to HP and stop trying to control him. Maybe one day I will end up leaving this guy. Maybe not. That will one day be revealed... The reason I am posting is to stay honest here. I honestly thought for a few days that I was She-ra princess of power (Over alcohol) and I really wasn't. I am going to get my attitude corrected and start over now. Every day is a new day. Its a winding road and this morning the road had a big pot hole in it. I am climbing back out of that hole to keep on going. I am glad to be here, I will keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
OMG .. She-Ra that is like one of my favorite cartoons .. I've been making my kids (7 year old) watch it this summer with He-Man .. LOL! He thinks I'm weird! :)P
Hugs, and that's all you can do is self correct and move forward. Give yourself a big cheer for seeing the trap for what it was and calling yourself on it. That's really brave and it's hard to do at times especially when it feels so easy and right.
I think it's interesting that he would give you that kind of power and snatch it back, test, test, test. Has she really changed, does she mean what she says .. hmmm. :) NOW you know your answer though and that is awesome!! :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you Pushka! Its funny, I thought it was so weird that he did it in the first place, he said "you keep these today so I don't drink" and it was like hot potatoes! I didn't want them! But I took them and then today when he didn't want to give them to me to "hold onto" I was sad and mad...glad I saw it for what it was though. Funny about She-ra! I was born in '75 so I grew up watching those cartoons! I have my kids watch all that old stuff too :) LOL
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
One of my "aha" moments of step one, recognizing that I really did NOT have any power whatsoever as to whether or not my A was drinking or not....
I was going to counselling, and I was a mess....I was in a session with my counselor, bawling my eyes out, and my life was completely unmanageable... My wife's drinking was way out of control, and I had NO idea what to do.... Through my tears, I heard my counselor ask me "so, do you STILL think you can control your wife's drinking", to which I answered, sobbing... "Yes", and he got a wry smile on his face and simply said "and how is that going for you so far?"
I never laughed so hard in all my life.... I couldn't stop crying, but I was laughing equally as hard.... the ludicrous thought that I could still control her, after all that time.... absolutely insane, on my part....
So yes, time to put down that superhero cape, and just be true to you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks Tom :) I like what your counselor said...what a great question to ask you! I really and truly cannot control any of it... :) I will simply have to just be me and control only me.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
It made me think of the times my exAH would tell me to let him know if he was drinking too much so he could tone it down and I wouldn't worry he was an alcoholic. LOL. It gave me a feeling of power - of "I get to determine how much he drinks!" Except that when I tried doing it, it didn't work. It was just an illusion of control - I never had control of it anyway. And accepting responsibility for his drinking when he offered the "power" to me was a mistake, too, in my case. After I told him that sure, I'd let him know if he was drinking too much, I just couldn't win. If he asked and I said yes he could drink all he wanted, and then I got mad, he could counter with the fact that I'd given him permission. If I told him he was drinking too much, he'd get pissed off and drink more, blaming the added drinking on me for making him angry. No thanks. Since the "control" was only an illusion in the first place, I'd rather not have it at all.
Well, White Rabbit your story reminds me of another.......About the farmer who said he could always tell if it were going to rain or not. Someone asked how he could possibly know if it was going to rain.......The farmer said it's easy, I look out in my field and if all my cows are standing up it's not going to rain, if they are all laying down it is going to rain.......The man asked the farmer what if half the cows are laying down and half are standing up........the farmer replied......It might rain or it might not.
Alcoholic's are no different than the cow story.....They might drink or they might not, but we have no more control over them than we do the rain.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 12th of July 2011 01:39:47 PM
Glad you climbed out of that pot hole! Nice job. You've got it.
My ex-AH has been living with me for the past 2 weeks. So far, so good. I know there aren't guarantees, and for once, I'm not sweating it as in the previous years. He'll either begin drinking again or not. I know what I'll do if he does. No loss of sleep.
But ya know what? Having him back home keeps me on my toes! I get to practice not "shoulding" all over him and not wondering what he is up to, especially when he is out longer than he says he was going to be. I catch myself and nip the worrying in the bud.
It's a golden opportunity for me to put into practice what I've learned. It's so easy to know what to do, especially when they are not under the same roof.
Grateful for Al-Anon and its members, members of this board and my relationship to the God of my understanding. Life is pretty darn good these days, even when things don't go my way.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You got it GailMichelle, I know I have to keep coming back because living with an alcoholic without this program is too much for me to handle...I need my spiritual program. :) Thanks! Thank you whiterabbit and RLC for those stories! WhiteRabbit, it is so funny you said "Now I get to determine how much he drinks" that is what I was thinking! I thought pretty much the same thing! And RLC, you are right, we can't control their drinking or not or if it rains or not...SIGH...learning to fly!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I would like to say a word about "pity pots", if I may. I think that recognizing what emotions you are feeling and deciding how to handle or channel them is a great step toward keeping in touch with your inner self and staying half-way stable.
The way I look at it, if you can't have empathy and sympathy and kindness for yourself first---who else is going to love you enough to offer it. Now, you may be blessed to have someone who is compassionate to offer it to you, but lots of times there may be NO ONE!
Personally, I consider a good cleansing cry a form of therapy for myself.
YFM, Here is one of my favorite quotes. I thought I would share it with you because it seems appropriate.
"Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend... when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present -- love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure -- the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
You are doing such a great job. This too shall pass my friend.
I love this posts and all the replies. Such a smart group we are and it seems we have learned a few of those lessons the hard way. Keep up the good work!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
My A used to ask me if he should have another drink and then get mad at me when I said no. now I just tell him his drinking or not is nothing to do with me and the choice is his. That way he can't hang his resentment on me when I give an answer he doesn't like. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't have any power over his drinking. I remember lunging for a can of beer he had picked up and practically throwing myself across the room to intercept the beer before it hit his lips. That was a low point for me.... and I realised I was pretty sick at that point. My partner still asks me if I think he should have another drink and tries really hard to elicit controlling behaviour from me, but I just smile (with love not sarcasm!!) and tell him that's his business not mine. It felt pretty She-ra though when I used to tell him "No, I don't think you should drink any more." Until he started plastering me with resentment and getting angry with me "for being so controlling" when he had asked the question in the first place. I love the idea of She-ra. I think I'll be She-ra all over my recovery, that way i can really have some strength going on in my life!!!!
