Help? - Al-Anon Family Group

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Help?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ignore what they say,watch what they do comes to mind.

Myself, I would say I am soooo glad! So what have you found out about going into rehab from jail?

Its totally up to him, as it is totally up to you to stick to your boundary of not wanting him to come home in his condition.

Another thing we say is,"Nothing changes unless something changes."

Nothing has changed, of course he is going to say this stuff, he is on a ledge right now.'I hear that from so many A's that were in jail, its all jail talk.

He can talk to someone inside about rehab,detox etc. They usually can go to AA meetings in Jail, or find out where they are outside.

I just reread, he says nothing about rehab or AA? Counseling for depression and or anti depressants will do nothing unless he takes care of getting into a recovery program.

It's like going on meds and counseling for an eating disorder, when the primary problem is you have a vitamin deficientcy.

When you see it, then share it with others, we don't have all the crazy conflicting emotions as you do.

To me it is cut and dried, ok what are YOU,your A going to DO?

I was in your shoes hon, I had separated with the AH for months, He went into jail. I had gone thru the horrrrrrible pain of loss, realization all that nightmare and pain of seeing my husband/friend/lover everything go away.

He goes to jail. I take him papers to sign about me being his power of attorney. He starts "talking" to me.Would I cont. the marriage.OH he talked a good line, sent me love letters. Ok I stepped right back in, made a conscious decsion to do so. Felt happy.

he got out, walked to this old woman drunk/druggies place. Did not call me. Ripped my guts out and I almost died shut in a van on an over 100' day!

I still have those letters somewhere.

that is my experience. Myself getting on my own feet was gold. It got me where I am today, have my own place, mostly happy. I see him for who and what he truly is now, horribly horribly sick.

I don't like that addicted to my addict thing much. I cannot say if my husband was having an affair I would not be feeling about the same as if he was drinking.

Its natural to love our husband/wife, long for them. We are drawn to them from the beginning, its chemistry, its a real physical, emotional, mental, spiritual connection. I mean the Bible even says you leave your parents and cling to your spouse. Our parent/child bond is very strong! So our marriage one is even stronger.

I still feel caring and love for mine, but no longing. But it took YEARS to get here. I lost my first husband to death, alcohol related, almost 30 years ago, not a day goes by I don't think of him, and if I see a picture I still cry!

Sending you some clarity! Also I want to say, maybe you are not ready yet to let go so he can take care of himself., that is very ok. Sometimes it takes a lot of bonks in the head and heart before we are ready!!

love,debilyn

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

He did speak of AA.... And also our county facility which is the only one that will treat depression and addiction together.

Thank you so much for your input. I KNOW he has to show me the change. Just struggling with letting him prove that to me here or somewhere else. I don't want to control it like I've been trying in the past...still not ready to lose him for good either.

My 9yr old daughter asked if she could send him a postcard.. all that's allowed in this jail... Of course I let her write one... "I'm so sorry about you and Mommy. I hope you still love me. I love you so much". About broke my heart.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking and doing two totally different animals. I agree with tiredtonite, he needs to show some responsibility for himself. Let him live on his own, get a job, get to counseling and so on. There is nothing wrong with doing family counseling. He's in remorse stage at the moment and how does he fix this right now. You do not have to live together for him to get sober and again I agree with TT, if he chooses to leave it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with himself.

When my AH got the DUI, oh man, it was all about the counseling from his standpoint we need to work through this blah blah blah, the lips were moving the words were coming out. When I look back now I wonder how much was rehearsed I'm not saying he didn't want us to work out, he didn't want to loose his family. I am saying how much was fear that I was done I will never know. As soon as the focus got switched to him with the counseling all of a sudden he no longer wanted to go to counseling. He also made it to 1 AA meeting. That has been it. I'm glad I had him out of the house for 2 weeks honestly it was not long enough as he started talking about coming home after 2 days. I wish he had stayed out longer and I wish that I had been in alanon at the time. It would have helped me a LOT.

Hugs, I know it's not easy. :)

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

You have the two H's in conflict.....Head vs. Heart. Your head is telling you one thing and your heart another. I do agree that nothing changes when nothing changes. Words can be powerful and go directly to our heart. Actions speak louder than words.

I know what you posted about trying to get to f2f meetings. One thing I will suggest, regardless whether he will be in your life or not....meetings should be a priority for you. I found the answers I wanted and needed in the rooms of Al-Anon. You can to.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGS
RLC

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

ELEKTRA he's got nothing to prove to you. He has got to get sober for himself only or else he will not get sober the way an alcoholic should. If he attaches his need for getting sober to someone else or something else this cunning, powerful and baffling disease will overcome that with ease. Being addicted is hugely powerful...read the posts about relapses and about the alcoholics and addicts who made promises and tried to assure others that they could do it which ever way they told it only to return to the relationship with the bottle at one time or another. We just heard from a member who returned to drinking after 20 years of being alcohol free.

You are not as powerful as the disease is...the first part of the first step when I finally got it along with my then sponsor telling me to move away from all things alcohol was key for me breaking away from being involved in anyway. When I set conditions for my alcoholic regarding her drinking, using and other behaviors it was a set up because she wasn't ready no matter what she said. Even she didn't know how powerful the disease was and a promise made was a promise broken.

I had to allow the fellowship to yank me away from staying hooked into the disease and everything about it. I had to allow the fellowship to get in the way between me and my intentions and behaviors in the disease. I had to go brain dead for 90 days and attend a meeting everyday for that 90 days and more before I would trust my own thinking or reactions and then even then I checked out all of my plans and choices and actions like you have done here now...I prefaced them with "Can you please help me" and then laid my situation out on the table looking for what others had done in the same situation. In each and ever case I did something different than how I was compulsed; addicted, to doing it in the past. I was in the program because of the consequences of my thoughts, feelings and actions not my alcoholic.

She eventually got sober and long after I had reached serenity and got my life back. I was happy for her and love her deeply with no reason to be married to her. I had the cart before the horse for a long time. Making a decision and then a choice to have an alcoholic and addict (I did that with a clearly befuddled mind) for a spouse was hands down the very worse decision and choice I could have ever made and I knew I was doing it when I didn't want to. WOW.

My ESH is get into the program much more that you get into the alcoholic, the past or the future. Get in today...stay in today...sit down listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. Consider the consequences if you don't. There is such a thing as luck in the disease and I've never heard it called good. Most of us say that if it wasn't for bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all. Don't trust your peace of mind and serenity to luck. Let's keep each other peaceful and serene and sane. (((hugs))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 12th of July 2011 01:35:24 AM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Electric,

For me I felt like my life was on hold waiting on my loved one to get sober. Bouts of sobriety came and went so did my emotions, up and down if he drank, if he didnt.

Going to alanon meeting and persuing recovery for me was the best decision I ever made. Through working the steps I was able to gain tremendous clarity on what I wanted in my life. I felt free and peaceful about making choices and decisions that I could live with. That is one of the many gifts I have recieved in recovery.

Alcoholism is a disease. It has been my experience that when I was a promised that alcohol is out of the picture I was disappointed again and again. The truth is, we have no power over whether or not someone will drink again. So the question became, what am I going to do? The only thing we can control is ourselves. That is what motivated me to work the steps with a sponsor and discover the answers I was looking for.

Best,

Tommye

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

I spoke to my 9 year old this morning and asked her what opinion she had of my ABF coming back and live with us. (I have explained to her why he "can't" be with us right now)

I asked what she thought about him coming back to live with us. Her response.... I don't think it's a good idea because I don't like when he drinks. But I miss him. I love him. He's like my stepdad and he takes good care of me. Mommy why don't you tell him he can come back if he doesn't drink. If he drinks he can't be with us. He's a great person. Because Mommy you know that if he has one drink it will make him feel good and then his brain will tell him to drink more.

Kids actually DO listen sometimes.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Elek, Hugs I'm glad your daughter loves your boyfriend. You know I caution you in this, my mother asked me the same thing and I was 15 at the time. To this day I've heard how I loved my s/dad and I wanted him her to marry him and it was my fault that she married him. This is not a decision for your daughter to make, she's 9 years old. She's a kid and no matter how she feels about the situation it's your decision/responsibility if he comes home or not.

Hugs again. :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

A significant portion of people in AA take meds for depression. I have never had a problem getting treatment for depression and also working an AA program. Staying sober has improved my moods and makes my meds work and when I am not actively depressed, I can work a better AA program. It all fits together. These services do exist in the community and not just the county jail.

Anyhow, I can believe he has hit a rock bottom and I also believe that his words are true as he feels them now. One of the problems of the disease of alcoholism is that it comes with this crazy "forgetter" mechanism and in the span of a few days to a few months, we tend to forget exactly how bad things were at our last rock bottom.

"Talking about AA" is not going to cut it. He needs to do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and to work it like his life depends on it. That is what I did and I kept relapsing until I did that.

**Note: All of the above was info about the alcoholic and not specific to alanon: As far as that is concerned, I think you are already seeing that there are people here who understand you and you are able to clarify your thoughts with the help of others who have been in your shoes. Alanon meetings will be good for you. It will keep you focused on you in a healthy way.

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

pinkchip wrote:
Anyhow, I can believe he has hit a rock bottom and I also believe that his words are true as he feels them now. One of the problems of the disease of alcoholism is that it comes with this crazy "forgetter" mechanism and in the span of a few days to a few months, we tend to forget exactly how bad things were at our last rock bottom.

"Talking about AA" is not going to cut it. He needs to do 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and to work it like his life depends on it. That is what I did and I kept relapsing until I did that.

My gut tells me this was his rock bottom. My heart is telling me give him the chance to come back and prove himself. My head is saying he needs to prove himself first. That he's serious in getting sober. I'm understanding all of the previous posts about this being "jail talk" and actions speak louder than words. I don't think *I* am ready to walk away from him.

I haven't decided yet whether to let him back or not. Still not sure exactly when he is getting out. My mind is going through different scenarios. Setting up conditions of him being there. What to follow through with if those conditions are broken. Setting up a place to go if my daughter and I need to leave situation that's not good if he relapses.

I realize that it's not my daughter's choice. I was just putting that out there. I am responsible for myself as well as her well being. I get that.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear ELECTRAWMN, I underline the first paragraph of Jerry's post and also Pinkchip. Working an AA program should not ever exclude someone from other treatments for underlying conditions. The other professionals should be knowlegable about alcoholism, of course. I'm sure if they are working at the facility they have seen quite a few alcoholics/addicts!

I would like to remind you of something that the others have not yet addressed, because I have felt that I was in love before, myself.

ELECTRA, you have been with him six months (by your posting). The feelings, which are driven by powerful chemistry--hormones. Not a bad thing, nature planned it this way to foster bonding. But, it is being "IN LOVE". It will need to be replaced later with a more mature love that is the foundation for the long haul. This is where hard cold reality comes into play---where the BRAIN as well as the heart (of course) are engaged.

The way I see it you are "in love" at this time, but, not yet engaged in a love relationship. It takes time. More time than you have yet invested.

Also, children should be allowed to express their feelings. That is so important. However, we must always remember that they are not little adults. Involving them in adult issues actually causes them to feel overly responsible for outcomes or feel very insecure.

I am glad you are talking about her because her secure environment depends on your decisions. As you just indicated. It is sometimes easy to forget that they are watching our every move. They are little sponges and they miss NOTHING (LOL).

I do hope that you aren't insulted that I am speaking so bluntly. I am talking to you like you were my best friend. I offer this posting as food for thought as you are deciding what to do.

Keep rereading the posts---I do think that the experiences of others can help.

In Support.

Sincerely, Otie

ELEKTRAWMN · Senior Member

Absolutely no insults being taken! :) I am usually quite blunt myself about things and don't get offended easily. I wouldn't be posting asking for opinions if I truely didn't want them. :)

I want to clarify that I'm not leaving the decision up to my daughter. I probably failed to mention that she is bipolar so we continually have our hands full with that. Normally I wouldn't share so much information with a young child but that has always been the approach we needed to take with her in order for emotional processing to go smoothly.

I am still trying to work out going to a F2F meeting. I WANT to go to one. Regardless if he comes back or not, I WILL go.

As for "proving it" to me. Maybe that was a poor choice of words. My thought train is not exactly 100% and I can't get out what I'm trying to say. I know he needs to get sober for himself...he can't do it for me or for us. I understand that.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

You have had some great Experience, Strength and hope shared with you here. I can only say again what others have said. Getting to meetings for YOU is your only hope. When you begin to work on you, you will feel better. Meetings help you do that, along with listening at the meetings, sharing honestly and getting a sponsor to work the steps with. I am in the middle of that right now. Its hard for me to get to meetings due to other summer things going on with my kids. I am busy with my side job along with my full time job too.
Elektrawmn you said it yourself in that first post at the top, " Is it MY addiction to this person that is making me want to cave in????"
the answer is yes! We are just as addicted to them as they are to their substances! And the book Getting them Sober has helped me so very much. Along with the daily readers Courage to Change, One day at a time in alanon and getting my butt to meetings. Take care of you!~

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

If I had a nickel for each time my son ( my A ) told me he was "DONE" in order to get back into the house I would be a rich woman. I do believe they believe it when they are saying it because where they are ( jail or hospital ) is so depressing they want to be done and get back on the outside.
Eventually we had to put our son out of the house because once again he wasnt done. He had, had some good sober time but slipped right back into his addiction, this landed him back in jail as he broke probation. He gets sentnced today, he will likely be there around 9 months. Coming home is not an option when he gets out, he will have no money, no job and basically homeless. We have offered him rehab and he isn't having any of that. So while he is in there I have to work my program like crazy in order to be strong enough to stand by our decision.
You go by what you see not by what they say.
Only you can make the decision on weather you let your bf back in or not. The boundary of not drinking is good but what will you do if he crosses that boundary, what are the consequenses? and are you truly ready to follow thru with the consequenses?
These questions are ones you really need to consider. It is easier to not let someone back in from the get go than to try and get someone to move out once they are in your home.
Good luck
Blessings

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