more questions - Al-Anon Family Group

odalis · Veteran Member

more questions

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey odalis, Hugs it's a rock and a hard place at times in dealing with what we think we want and then having something play out. Then WOW .. what now :)

I've taken a hands off approach to my husband and the kids. Now my situation IS different because my AH is dry. I have found that he has been engaging the kids more and it's been nice. I do not know how I would feel if he was engaging with them and drinking. This is based upon past experiences I've had in my life. It's amazing what happens when we stop doing our "normal" behavior. Believe me our spouses, sig others catch on and realize something is different. I don't know why it works it just does and I am grateful for that. When I stopped having expectations of what my AH should or should not be doing, I guess, I speculate, he felt more open and more able to be ok doing something vs nothing. He has started taking more time with the kids and even more time with me because all of a sudden I think I got interesting. I'm no longer sitting around waiting for him to be available now I'm the one who is not available. It's not done in a mean way, however I have friends and things to do. Not huge things, going to the library, alanon, watching tv, reading with the kids, playing on the computer. The point is my life is no longer based upon what he is or is not doing. Because my AH drinks himself into next week when he drinks I do not want him drinking around the kids, it is not normal behavior and it is not safe situation for me, I'm their mom and if I am not safe they are not either. I do not trust his behavior, he has never been violent, I've been there done that with my ex and that is a large line for me. I have a truth that is anytime someone is in an altered state of mind there is no guarantee of what their behavior will be, you do not know. It's how people on the news wind up saying, they were such a nice couple. No one knew blah blah blah. Maybe I'm a cynic, it's preservation/survival for me. The last time he did drink around the kids I asked him to leave, which he did and at that point he wound up with a DUI 6 hours later. He's not a fun or funny drunk anymore, he gets weird is the only way I can put it and is literally a fall down drunk. I hate it. I don't want to see it. I can't stop him from doing it, it is my choice not to witness it. I feel really strongly about that, personally as much collateral damage the kids and I have been through, I just don't want to see it. Believe it or not the last year when he has had his binges and not been home, I sleep very well at night.

As far as the inlaw goes. My AH's mother is an alcoholic, his s/dad is/was as well he has since passed. Even though I was not well, the line in the sand came under two circumstances for me first was they brought a cooler of beer to my daughters 2nd birthday. That was just for them .. lol. Their behavior was so out of control we did not even bother inviting them to her birthday party. I was like holy cow no way no how!! They could no longer drink in our house. I did not want to deal with it and the day was about our daughter not how hammered they would or could get. It was embarrassing. The other time was they were being evicted and going to be homeless, it was announced to me that they were moving in. I was in such shock at the time it literally took me 4 days to come to the conclusion this was not going to work for me. I let my husband know if he felt the need to move them in that he needed to move out to the shelter with them because the amount of dysfunction was way to much and they needed professional help, we are not professionals. I love them, I feel sorry for them and I certainly don't want anyone to be homeless at the same time I did not want their Jerry Springer activity at the house. They are the drunks who get into Friday Night at the Fights .. UGH .. hate that been there done that with my s/dad and there is NO WAY the cops are coming to my house over that .. lol. Ironically, my husband was at their house and they started one of those fights and even he knew they could not come into our home with our baby girl. Our marriage would have been over big time. He has verbalized that later, what a mistake that would have been. Again just me and where I was at even though I was not in alanon at the time I was grateful for the fact that I was healthier at the time. I wish I could have done it with more compassion and kindness. We did make sure they had a place to stay we found the best shelter we could find and they did eventually clean up their act and get back into a house. About a year later his s/dad was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer which eventually went to his brain and other organs. The saddest thing to me and I saw this coming is that his mother started drinking the day the man died. She just can't help herself. She has many health issues, smokes is on oxygen for lung issues. She still drinks again her choice. If she wants to blow up her issue, she's been to the hospital and I'm sure that it's drugs and alcohol interaction. The kids visit short term they don't enjoy going over there and have complained she smell funny. Literally as soon as they walk in they are ready to go home. The other issue I have is my husband is not an only child there are 3 other brothers who choose to duck out of any kind of decision making when it comes to their mom.

I have no suggestions or ideas how you need to handle your situation, as again mine were different and I chose to go a different route. Some things I think I did pretty good and others I could have done a tad different. I was true to myself and to my child and children.

Hugs and it really gets easier when you start figuring out for yourself what tools will work for you in your situation.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

First sending a hug! Sitting you down in a comfy chair, put your feet up, here is some chamomile tea!

We cannot rationalize insanity. That simple. What another does, or does not do does not matter as far as figuring it out, as you cannot. Their brains are totally compromised.They cannot work properly influenced by alcohol and other drugs. I mean AH and FIL.

Kids are very intuitive. They KNOW, when someone is not acting right. They have not lost their innocense, spell check, and listen to their intuition.I can share with you, when one is compromised with drugs, I cannot find their heart. I don't feel them. They are not connected to their soul. meaning their total body and self.

Some won't get that. Its natural to me. I could tell when a student walked into my classroom if they were them or on drugs.

Your husband is very sick, he does not even know or care about what he is doing.

Since this is true, I learned to say positive comments, mostly for me. i would go out to feed as he was too drunk for me to want to be around. he would come out to the barn. I would say oh hi Babe. Knowing he was sick,basically retarded.

Next thing I know he is doing something dangerous and gets mad at me for being in the way of what he is doing. ugh. Like rolling up a rope that was on the floor the g son played with and i am standing in the mess of it carrying 4 flakes of hay! Then gets mad at ME for being in the way...gads.

In other words, he was nuts.

To me when they are drinking and or drunk, they are not "with" anyone. His behavior says to me, the insane person was jealous and not getting any attention. has nothing to do with the girls. And believe me they know it.

I feel grampas are different. For me they just loved me. But Daddy was who I depended on, just natural. The girls cannot depend on him.

I would only intervene with an A if a child was not safe.

You are on the right track. In time his behavior will be what it is, the product of a very sick, diseased person. I am so impressed how you ignored his diseases behavior at the park. As you know,nothing they do reflects on you.

My Mother taught me that. His behavior is not yours, you don't have to be embarrassed about it, or fix it, or help it, you don't own it, so don't accept it. meaning in general.

ONE day at a time. Have you read,"Getting Them Sober?" Also the book Tom just shared about would help you also!

Grampa is grampa. Myself I would not leave them alone with him or A ever. Not ever.

You are asking some very wise questions! Keep my focus on me, my own stuff made it so freeing around the A.

Hugs hugs hugs,debilyn

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello odilas,

Sometimes a change in us can lead to a change in our alcoholics. He hasn't changed, he is doing what he is going to do.......drink. You handled the situation differently than in the past, you ignored his behavior and were civil. That didn't in any way mean you condone his drinking, but by not reacting you saved your serenity, which is a huge step on your part. Little changes in us that can lead to our peace of mind......taking care of yourself. Nothing changed but you.

My wife is an active alcoholic and I can honestly say I never confronted her about her drinking even before I came to Al-Anon. But that was the only thing I did right. I confronted her in many other ways. I confronted her with my body language. I confronted her by unconsciencely treating her as a second class person by becoming distant from her. Her disease made me into a person I didn't like and I blamed it on her rather than the disease she still suffers form on a daily basis. Yes, I had a part in it.

If there was one thing I didn't accept when I first got into the program it was, " We need to change". After all the problems alcoholism had caused me, I was the one who needed to change?...no way...or so I thought. I had been in the program for over two years when I found MIP. I continued going to my two meeting each week and still do, but comimg here reading (listening) everyday and posting, while applying the program.......my life with my AW started changing with little changes in me over time....not reacting...detaching with love (in the past I had detached but there wasn't much love incolved)....changing my body language (smiling more when we talked, looking her directly in the eye, stopping what I was doing and giving her my attention)....separating the disease form the person..... putting the focus on myself, something I thought I was doing, but looking back now I know I was not.....And most important, turning her over to HP and not taking her back (finally getting our of their way). Now I tell myself and others to always take care of yourself first. Little did I know or realize when I was told in my first meeting that I needed to change and always take care of myself first the changes mentioned above would make my life better whether the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not......but they did......didn't cost me a penny.......And all I was doing was what I was suppose to do....taking care of myself first.....Al-Anon is truly a simple program.......for complicated people.

This is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. It can and does take over "our" mind body and spirit and makes our life unmanageable. I needed this program and all the tools it offered to save my sanity and probably my life. It took practice and still does everyday, and I would be remiss if I didn't say there are times when it still beat me down and win, but now I know I have a choice. I can use this program, the ES&H from members in my f2f meetings and members of this board or I can let this disease take me back to a place I never want to go again.......I choose the former rather than the latter. I gotta keep taking care of me.

HUGS,
RLC

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