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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Loneliness
Post Info TOPIC: Loneliness
likemyheart


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Loneliness
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I had a long conversation with a neighbor friend about this topic last night - he has never been truly alone, facing the tremendous weight of life by himself - even when not hooked up with someone, he had family and friends he lived with, helped take care of even - so he doesn't understand the deep loneliness some people go through.

Last night was also an event in our area that my AH and I used to attend (him always concentrating on hopping from beer garden to bar to beer garden, etc.) and special events really hammer home how alone I really am. (Facing this huge yard alone drives the hammer also.)

My daughter barely speaks to me because she is so angry at me for not doing something about him sooner - I miss her terribly, we used to laugh and play together and there isn't anything I can do -I can't rewind the tape, butterfly-effect our life, and NOT marry him or let him in my life. But I miss her, miss the conversations and laughter we used to have and I get tired of her hostile attitude - suggested Al-ateen for her but she doesn't have a problem as long as he isn't here so why should she go - you know the drill.

I have daytime friendly people I interact with and have fun with but, when they go home and I go home, all I have is the television, my yard, my computer and my dog. I hunger for human companionship and the only places to get that is the bar (i can't afford and don't enjoy much unless people I know are there), driving too far to some other bar (where he is and I'm liable to run into him), AA meetings because Al-anon meetings cannot be found to fit my life, and church (which I'm too argumentative for, trust me, i don't belong in church).

There are a lot of times when I really like being alone - I can play my piano and bang on the keys as much as I like and not have to apologize to anyone.

But there are times when I am overwhelmed with how lonely life sometimes is. I got up early today to mow (have to mow early around the bee hive before they get active, I am too allergic to risk getting stung much, (ssshhhh, we aren't supposed to have bees in our city limits, ssshhhh)) (and don't worry Deb, I'm not anaphylactic allergic, not yet anyway, and they are docile bees, but better not to tempt fate eh? so I mow early) Then I spent the next three hours working on the weeds and mess my yard has become when my AH was unemployed but too bored to do any of the yard work. - doing yard work alone sometimes soothes me, but sometimes, it makes my hands ache and my body tired and that makes me feel even more alone.

sometimes a walk helps take the loneliness away, sometimes I can chat online with mom, that helps, I know that I try to stay really busy until I'm too exhausted to go on so I'll sleep instead of think - but that deep loneliness sometimes will not be shaken off and there's no one there so I sit in the grass pulling at weeds and bawling my eyes out trying to keep the noise of my emotional state from the nosy ears of my neighbors.



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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
chinup


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hi,i can soo relate to yur story of being sooo alone and that deep lonliness does hurt bad i havent cried out yet but want tooo so bad im very alone here dont know what to do with myself most times i just know ill grow old alone just like i am here,my daughter and g.babies live in england decided to up and join military 5 yrs ago and have no intentions of ever coming back to the states well in 15 yrs they will,lol ill be way old my son lives here but stayes busy with his freinds and has his own life we bypass each other everyday,i have a male freind from church and i dont go to church very little also but he has been trying to get me to start line danceing he has been coming and getting me and paying my way in but im not and i dont think he wants to keep on doing that so i cant afford it like he does so ive just decided to stay at home and he likes to dance alot with all the women and they can dance i feel like im just a tag along and expense,so what do i do with myself the same thing u do is try and stay busy busy.but i stay down alot depressed kinda feeling,just being alone causes that i beive,wished me and u lived closer we could maybe enjoy each others company andmaybe combat the loneliness,nobody here to hangout with everybodies got hubbys or kids still at home young ones or grandkids that keep them busy,so that leaves me out.i do alot of praying at times or everyday,hopeing that someone or something better will come into my life,or something good will happen to me i pray the same fore u,i get on here at times and ramble on n on,lol it helps too like now,yur post of loneliness struck me cause thats what im at now the same sit. i ty for yur post.hugs chinup

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Debilyn


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oh honey I almost cried for you when I read this. You know I know what you mean. yes we just have to cry sometimes. you are right, people who are not really alone do not get it. Actually thank goodness eh?

Since I moved up here,began my new chapter, I don't think I have felt that horrible deep down kind. July4 three day was a bit hard. I got bored. I never get bored!

hon I know with my kids, believe me all kids hate us from time to time, it's their job. They are learning to pull away. I always say they are really only with us till they are about 14.

If I were you, which I was, I would just take her out and get ice cream. go for a walk, go to a movie. Do not have to talk. go shopping. I forget how old she is?

It works as its not serious. you know how an A makes everything not fun, not lighthearted. My daughter lost her dad when she was so small. We both are damaged by that. but we did the keeping things light, and now though we can get snitty and apologise and talk it out. Its great.

no more eggshells.

you know it may not be she is mad you did not get him out sooner. It may be more, you did not give me the attention "I" needed, you were sad all the time, you were no fun, etc. I am telling you, I would honestly say hey pick a movie lets go. gives her a choice which one, but you are taking her. If she wants to bring a friend,great.

Lets go to here or there? Which?

Well you better be careful you nut. you knew I would mother you. lol You do know you don't have to be allergic? you get stung by a bunch it can kill you anyway.

What kind of nest? Honeybees ok, but anything else I would get a hose and nozzle and spray them down. It's the new ones that are nuts and will stink  yor for no reason! probably are teenagers....

I get lonely for certain people, so nobody else around would matter anyway. i mean it does not help. I still miss my first husband so much I see apic of him and I cry! been what 30 years ago he was killed.

miss my fun mother like crazy. All my girlfriends are married forever.

I am joining a JW site to meet people. I think I mentioned that.Going to be serious this time, the creep got kicked off the site...

Hon I learned their is good and bad in being married and good and bad being alone. In a good relationship give me that. BUt I tell ya for me being alone is usually better.

Glad you came here and spilled it! For me planting and caring for flowers andplants helps. I read like crazy too! you can always come camp in oregon uno!

hugs,deb

 

 



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Mattie


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I'm so sorry you're in this situation.  I think more of us than it seems are afflicted by it.  Even sometimes people with families -- you can be lonely when living with people with whom you have a big disconnect.  Been there done that. 

I suspect there are lonely people, even desperately lonely people, everywhere.  I have an elderly cousin who lives in a small town. No one ever visits her.  It's a town where everyone else has extended family and she doesn't.  She's said that she's invited people to do things but they say, "Well, that's my cousin's barbecue day," or "That's my daughter's bridge day."  She's a nice person and I really do believe everyone is just oblivious, not putting her off. I had a friend who volunteered for Meals on Wheels and she saw a lot of these folks, very nice people who had just lost or gotten out of their friendship networks.  I think maybe volunteer work is a great solution for those of us who don't know quite how to expand our worlds. I used to volunteer for the local animal shelter and it was great -- you got to help cute kittens and pups, and the other volunteers were all like-minded and became good friends. Of course in our busy lives today it's not always easy. And after you've been alone a while it feels awkward to interact with people again. But I think there are a whole lot of us out here.



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pineapple


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likemyheart-I can so relate to the loneliness. And I live with my ah. But there is such a distance between us that I often feel so alone. Especially at night. I read a lot and spend time on the computer. During the day I work in my garden and that brings me joy. So does spending time with my animals. And I spend a lot of time talking with my HP. But none of that takes the place of human interaction. You got some good suggestions here, maybe you can make peace with your daughter, volunteering also sounds like a good idea. Hang in there, and for whatever it's worth, you are not alone. Sending you big (((HUGS))).

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likemyheart


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Hello all and thank you for the replies and concern. The main reason I posted this was because loneliness seemed to be such a common thread lately - or maybe that is what I read, how I percieved it, and I wanted to let those of you who are going through your own lonelinesses that you are not alone in what you are going through. Maybe summer is lonelier because the fun stuff happens in the summer and without someone to share the fun with, well, its not as fun, is it? And I was going through a period of intense pain and loneliness. I did sit in my yard pulling weeds and crying and hoping I was not making too much noise because dealing with concerned neighbors was NOT something I wanted to do at the time.

I have a friend who envies my solitary life - she has too many people pulling at her all the time and would revel in alone time. A point of view kind of thing. I guess I don't value being alone as much as I should.

I envy those who don't seem to get bogged down by the lonelies - but maybe there are more of them out there than I think.

Thanks though, for the concern - it helps knowing we are not alone eh?

Cheers

-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 12th of July 2011 09:31:23 PM

-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 12th of July 2011 09:32:49 PM

__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Pushka


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Hugs likemyheart,

I have a Buddhist friend who is one of my bff's in the whole wide world and something she said to me that has always stuck and I find a lot of truth in her statement is being alone is the hardest thing anyone can do, because to really be with oneself is painful. It brings up all of the emotional stuff that being "distracted" (phone, tv, computer) we can tend to push down all of our emotions. Once you accept that being alone is painful, it opens a light at the end of the tunnel of release. Acceptance of self is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I envy that about my friend. That's a big goal for me too. For me it's more about the self acceptance that being with me just as I am is enough, if I'm enough for me then everything else is just a bonus.

Best zen movie ever, The Princess Bride, Wesley turns to his love and she's complaining about being in pain from the loss of her love. He tells her, "Life is pain, princess. Anyone who says different is selling something." I see that statement as a choice. I can choose to stay in my pain and it's my right to do so, or I can still cry (as a release) and see the little moments in my life that are worth a million dollars.

It will and it does get better, I see the darker times I go through as movement forward as long as I'm moving forward then I'm learning something new. :) You are so not alone in those feelings either. :)



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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