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My wife is currently in a facility for the abuse of prescription pain meds as well as muscle relaxers, she is also a recovering Alcholic (sober 10 years).
I work away from home and we keep in contact by phone while I'm away on business. About 5 weeks ago I had tried calling her and the phone went to voice mail, this continued for over 9 hours that day as I tried calling every two or three hours.
I called a family member and they went over and found my wife passed out on the back deck in a deck chair. They got her up and in the house, staying with her until she appeared to be ok. The next day she called and I informed her I can't live this way anymore. She made promises and said she was looking for help (family doctor, YMCA but no NA) 6 days later the same thing happened however this time there was no one in town to check on her for me and I called the police, they went into my house and found my wife passed out in bed, We estimate she had been there for about 18 hours based on the last time anyone had spoken to her.
Her kidneys had shutdown and the doctors at the ER said she was within about 4 to 6 hours of dying. As I said she is now in a first rate facility and has gone through detox however she refuses to get after care as suggested by the doctors she is seeing and her counselor. At this point I do not know what to do, I'm going to my first Al Anon meeting tomorrow night as it's the soonest beginners meeting I could find. I'm at a loss in regarding how to help her and I'm being told to set boundaries, and detach myself but that I find is easier said than done. One of the boundaries I want to set but don't know if it is healthy is to tell her if she does not get after care (extended in patient, halfway house, etc) that she can't come back home. As I said this is difficult as we have been married 25 years. I feel like I have enabled her to this point as she does nothing for herself because I take care of everything. I'm pretty confused and honestly afraid for both her health and our marriage. I know now about the three "C's" and I'm trying to get educated. I have also learned that I too need some help as I have taken ownership of this disease for her. At this point I am open to hear anything that anyone has to share.
The only real ownership you need to claim is for yourself. Good for you on getting to a meeting because it really helps to go and listen to others and share (if you feel comfortable) your own story.
I don't know anyone else's take however this is my opinion and it's free so take it for what it's worth. I don't see how your wife has been 10 years sober if she's addicted to pain pills script or not. I look at that with my AH as well because this summer the man set himself on fire. (It's actually an amusing story only because of the fact he was not hurt and I have a horrible warped sense of humor. He had a good laugh later as well. I had nothing to do with it for those who read my truck story .. lol.) He was prescribed some strong pain meds and it made me wonder, what is sober? Now maybe she hasn't drank in 10 years however she's been living in an alter-state at some point during that time. It's like trading one addiction for another one. Has she been working an AA program during this 10 years?
You are so not responsible for your wife's issues, you might feel that way however no one has that kind of power over someone else. We can enable, we can beg, plead, rationalize, whatever you want to say, we do not cause anyone else to do the things they do.
Just absolutely know one thing for sure you are so not alone in what you are feeling we have all been there done that and some of us are still there it's why alanon has been such a safe haven for me. Is I've stopped feeling like I'm alone in dealing with the issues I have had.
Hugs, keep coming back because there is a wealth of information on the boards and lots of good people. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Harley hello and welcome to mip ! Glad you found us and even glader you are already set to start attending alanon meeting! Just as an fyi as you said you traveled a lot we do have twice daily meeting here online you can take advantage of if you are away from home and your home group. The meetings here are great. I know you have a ton of questions you'd like answered. And they will be answered in time Just as your wife's recovery will be life long so are ours. We didn't get here over night and not gonna get better overnight. My son is my A (alcholic/addict ) and while my husband and I grew up with this disease it was our son that brought me here. I got here and read the steps, they seemed reasonable and simple so I was gonna go the 12 steps in 12 days program and be all better right? couldn't be more wrong. This is a simple program for complicated people. And by the time some of us arrive we are just as if not sicker than our A's. They are addicted to chemicals, we are addicted to them. To the point we lose ourselves, our wants and needs. OD'ing on prescription meds is on the rise and becoming very common. It is a very easy thing to do... cause if one pill works for awhile 2,3 or more pills will work even better. Detaching with love and setting boundaries takes practice, practice and more practice until you get to where you want to be. It really can't be rushed. I hear the urgency in your post but this program will if nothing else teach a little patience. I would go to your meeting and really listen to how others have done it. And as our saying goes take what you like and leave the rest. I would not give her any ultimatums until you are perfectly sure you are ready to follow through. Boundaries are meant to help and protect us not the A. Boundries tell the A what we are or aren't willing to accept and again you have to be ready to follow through if your not ready they will walk all over your boundaries. I would again say go to your meeting and listen. And the people who touch you the most or have done what it is you want to do, talk to them after the meeting they will be happy to oblige. I am not sure why your wife is taking prescription meds but personally I would inform her doctor(s) of her 2 overdoses. It is really critical that they know, your wife won't like it much but you are going to get a lot of push back from her on working your own recovery anyway. Please keep us posted Blessings
Harley...welcome to MIP and Aloha!! It is great that you have no resistance to looking for help and information. That is so key for the newbie spouse, realtive or friend of alcoholics and addicts. Addiction is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and as you have already been notified it is often fatal. Last report, last week on national news is that there is a majority of people dying from legal prescription drugs than illegal stuff. That doesn't help you much other than tell you that you are not alone as the husband of an addict. She doesn't need to drink...the drugs are doing the job. She has a disease...this is not a moral issue or something about weak wills...addiction runs itself and we all are powerless over it.
It's good that you're going to your first Al-Anon meeting; very good. That is what I did when I didn't know what was going on with my alcoholic/addict wife and didn't even know that I didn't know.
This is "tough love" time. It's gotta be tough and it's gotta be love cause she had got to feel more pain than she feels numb and yet she has been sooo close to death lately that finding help doesn't have much power or value for her now. This is Higher Power time...something or one greater than you, your spouse, the chemical addiction and all of you and it rolled up into a bunch. She doesn't want help; NA or otherwise so that means she still has pride. Hopefully that pride can be turned around in her favor rather than against seeking whatever she can find for her peace of mind and serenity without drugs and alcohol.
You have to do for Harley Rider cause the disease of addiction tears up and kills what ever and who ever it comes into contact with. Not only the addict dies.
Its good you exercised the courage to come here and speak up. We have suggestions for you such as "keep coming back" Go to the meetings and get as much literature as you can and read it all. Do as many meetings as is possible over the next 90 days. Get into the meetings...all the way in...sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice that what you see others are do that works for them and find a Higher Power one more powerful even than your Harley that you can turn your life and your will over to.
Dear HarleyRider, I sure do feel for you and your wife. You are both suffering incredibly.
I will offer you my take on this based on my experience---too much experience with how deadly your wife's condition is. I have had to be the witness to pronounce death on countless patients at the emergency room. My daughter has two very best friends from childhood who were found dead in bed by their husbands. Beautiful girls--both mothers--good jobs-- well educated---beautiful houses...etc.... All prescription drugs mixed with alcohol.
My stance, I know, is much different than most others here. I say place the boundry that you want to. Put the teeth in to make it stick. I know it is hard---you say you fear for her health and your marriage. Dear Harley, none of those have any chance anyway once the kidneys are shut down again. Nothing will be as bad as the near misses you/she have already faced.
Of course, get to alanon as soon as possible---you need it for the long haul. Pleas realize that you are dealing, literaly, with life and death right now.
