The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am doing quite well these days with detaching. I by no means wish my A harm, but I also don't wish to engage him either.
Yesterday, after weeks of not engaging or responding to his ridiculousness, in response to a hurt he caused my son, I text him telling him just what I thought. Never a good idea, I know this. It never ends in A saying "yes, thank you for the insight, you've given me a lot to think about. I'm sorry I'm a selfish father. I will try harder." LOL - no not even close.
Instead, I am just amazed at how out of touch with reality he is. I just cannot believe it. He has an eerie warped sense of reality and fully believes that I am off my rocker and encourages me to get help at which point he'll stand by me. Without getting into it, his life is so out of control and is the most ROCK BOTTOM i've ever seen it and yet, here he is, stating that he's done nothing wrong "for a long time" and he's still blaming me for it all.
The only logical thing I can come up with is that he has completely pickled his brain and he is just NOT ABLE to think on reality based terms or with any logic or reason. Knowing this, I acknowledge that attempts to reason with him make no sense of any sort, at any time, under any circumstances.
His disease needs me being the disturbed one, so it can go on giving him permission to continue on with the hurtful, sad, pitiful behaviour that has become his norm.
I used to tell my ex-AH during his "mush brain" periods (which was most of the time until recently) what I thought too. As you admit, it is futile.
It's so true that his disease needs you to be disturbed. Grateful you realize that!
After 36 years of marriage and no Al-Anon under my belt, I divorced him. We separated prior to the divorce. So we had been apart a total of 20 months - physically apart, as in living in different towns/cities. (We had been emotionally miles apart for years before.) During that 20 months, he was headed towards what I hope was his bottom. He entered rehab a pathetic mess. I surely thought his "mush brain" status was permanant. However , it's been 2 weeks out of rehab for him and he can reason well. I'm shocked - very, very shocked and extremely thankful.
This was his 3rd rehab in 3 years. This time he acknowledged all the pain he has caused others over the years. I didn't try to squeeze it out of him - it oozed out on its own. It was heartfelt and expressed with deep sobs. He acknowledges that I wasn't the cause of his drinking and that he lied to me daily. He acknowledges so many other things that I still find it overwhelming. I waited so long for him to be aware of the insanity that his drinking caused. He now goes to meetings everyday, sometimes 2 or 3. He also is an outpatient, which continues his rehab. It's a miracle. All of us, his family, are in awe. We never, and I mean NEVER, thought he'd see the light.
I realize that alcoholism is "lurking" as RCL pointed out to us in a recent post. I realize this. But as I gardened yesterday evening a peaceful thought came over me: Yes, he could relapse. But I'm going to focus on today; he is sober and walking the talk; if a relapse occurs and he chooses to not get back to his program, I know I'm strong enough to part and for good this time. I would do so with no doubt in my mind and only love in my heart for him. Because "life is too short" as RCL's friend has stated in a meeting.
I hope your AH is hitting rock bottom! Take good care of you.
Gail
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 10th of July 2011 09:31:05 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hugs to both of you, thank you both for your posts, it's what I needed to hear today :) Rora, how far you must have come already with your program :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Instead, I am just amazed at how out of touch with reality he is. I just cannot believe it. He has an eerie warped sense of reality and fully believes that I am off my rocker and encourages me to get help at which point he'll stand by me. Without getting into it, his life is so out of control and is the most ROCK BOTTOM i've ever seen it and yet, here he is, stating that he's done nothing wrong "for a long time" and he's still blaming me for it all.
How sorry I am that this happens; however, being able to relate to your situation and his actions encourages the fact that *I* am not alone in this. Thank you for sharing, I needed to read this today. :)
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
You wrote that your ex's life is an unmanagable and as rock bottom as you have ever seen it. I too have experienced that thought with my son who is my A. I thought so many times "this has to be his bottom", Jail, overdoses, loss of all his friends, jobs etc because any one of those things would be a bottom for me. But not for him unfortunatly. I have no idea what his bottom is and pray like crazy it isn't death. He is no longer allowed to live in our home so when he is released from jail in 6 to 9 months he will be essentially homeless. No job or income. All I can do is throw myself into my program and my recovery and hope that I am strong enough to get out of HP's way to let my son find his bottom. I am sorry it has hurt your son, I also grew up with this disease. Not sure how old your son is but if old enough maybe time for alateen where he can be with others kids that he can relate to and know he is not alone. I know for me I spent a lot of years feeling shame for the actions of my father and many other A's in my family and had no one for support, my mother was an unrecovered alanon and a ragaloic so she was of no help to me. Thankfully you are in recovery and can be a support for your son. One healthy parent is better than none for sure. As far as getting any thank you's from your A for anything you have done for him good luck on that one lol. He doesn't see the problem and like many A's has the power of manipulation to turn the tables on you to make you think you are the one who needs help. blessings to you in your recovery
Dear Rora, I don't know if your son is still small or if he is a teen or older. I understand the instinct to protect the children from the destructive effects.
For me I have drawn the line when it comes to abuse and just plain "mean" behavior---from anyone. I don't think alcoholism gives anyone a special pass on that.
Of course, I don't know what you said, but I hope you put some teeth into it. (boundries need to be enforced).
I agree with xeno59 that alateen would be a good choice if age appropriate. Also, ther are some good books nowdays on alcoholism written for children. Kids need to become able to express their fears and hurts and not just stuff all of them.
I can sense how hard you are trying. I know detachment is hard, hard, hard. Keep the faith.
the little guy is 7...much too young for alateen but i certainly do my best teaching him about the three C's, that Daddy is sick and has a problem that is not our problem, it's Daddy's problem. Alateen will hopefully be resource in a few years. Thanks to you all.
