Hi, I'm new and I have questions - Al-Anon Family Group

amm · Newbie

Hi, I'm new and I have questions

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome!

Your share was perfect, you make complete sense.

We will all tell you NO in no way is it or was it you.For one thing that was words from a very compromised brain, another always, always they drink becuz they are an addict. Has NOTHING to do with anything.

Do you drink when you have a had time? When you lose something, worried about your friends etc. no, I don't either. I am not an addict. If anything I want to stay completely clear headed during hard times.

I am not the cause of her drinking. That is all we have to put in our pretty heads.That is the truth.

Getting Them Sober, volume one, Toby Rice Drew. there is all kinds of literature to learn.

I am glad you have made that moral decision to wait till you are married. That is so rare anymore.

you will get tons of reponses, please believe these great people here. We have all been thru what you have,maybe not the same situation but the feelings are the same.,

I though my loving animals made him drink....I had an animal sanctuary/ rescue.

nope was not that!

hugs, debilyn

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Amm,

First off off hello and welcome, I want to tell you that you made perfect sence to me, and I am so so glad you decided to pop in and share with us here.

Your story is so familiar, and I have to shout to you from the roof tops, and to anyone else who cares to listen, WE DID NOT CAUSE IT, and all I know is, when I believed I did, it didn't help me one jot, it didn't help my loved ones and I was just like a dog chasing my own tail.

You are a wonderful daughter and by your own admission you know deep down that your not guilty of anything, you have done what you thought was right and the best you could do up to this point with all that you know, and thats what I did too, and I'm almost certain most of the others here will say the same.

Alchoholics do not live in reality they live in la la land, the trouble thing is they get us to go there too, they don't know whats real or important in life they are selfish and self centred, they don't mean to be, they just haven't learnt how to be anything else yet, best we can do, is talk to people that have been to la la land and didn't like the vacation, and came back and we can learn how to takecare of ourselves and our alchoholics by doing things differently.

I understand your worry and the fear, that is very real, it's because we love them so very very much, It's great you have come here, you will learn new ways to cope if you keep coming back, and sharing and listening and practicing, take care, your lovely, your mum is very lucky, your a treasure.

regards

Katy

x

Lacey · Member

Hello Amm, I have been in near enough the exact same posistion, and i am also a newcomer to the sight. I would just like to start by saying that it isnt your fault, my mum is an alcoholic and she finds any excuse for her drinking. e.g. just yesterday i came home from school and she was steaming drunk because i had rang her at lunch to tell her about my bad grade in my exam. Therefore i kinda felt it was about me. But i always remind myself, and you should to that its not you, its her that made us feel this way not the other way around.

Can i ask how old you are now? I am 16 and my mum has been drinking for around 8 years now and i just like you do/did live alone with her, my dad and sister left home around 2 years ago and since then her drinking has become progressively worse.

I understand whats its like when your mum is passed out drunk and you cant help but panic, i have found my mum in horrible situations and been left to clean her up, but i learnt from Debilyn who i can see has already replyed to you that maybe the next time she is like that leave her until the morning and you never know she may just realise how bad she is. However, i would find it so hard to do this as you said your very close with your mum and the last thing you would want is for something bad to happen and feel like it is your fault. But if something bad does happen its her fault for getting in that mess, you did the good thing by hopefully getting her to realise and get help.

Its probably very hard to feel close to your mum after she has hurt you so many times. Let me ask, does she admit to having a drink problem?

I am glad you found the site, you will find all the advice you need and the support.

Hope i helped! Lacey smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and big hugs,

It's the 3 C's, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. Hugs again there are lots of lovely people on the boards as well as a ton of wisdom. Just keep coming back. :)

P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Amm,

I understand where you are coming from. My father whom I love dearly drank daily full throttle passed out after dinner about 6 PM. He was always a kind and gentle drunk. If I wanted to talk to him sober, I would get up at 5 AM and he would be clean and shaven listening to NPR, drinking black coffee, smoking cigarettes,and reading his morning paper. I would count on that morning time with my dad about 1 hour before I had to go to school. It was very special to me. Somehow, he decided he would stop drinking cold turkey for which he did for several years. But my parents eventually divorced and the drinking began again. He switched what he drank because he explained he wouldnt have the same problems with another form of alcohol. I remember the feeling seeing the bottle being poured into a glass the pit in my stomach and my throat closing up. I was about 20 years old. I was suddenly frightened. Sure I was out of my house, supporting myself, but I was crushed and had a tremendous physical response to watching him drink. I did not have alanon on board and I was scared.

In our literature there is a saying " worry is like a rocking chair, it sure keeps you busy but gets you no where." The essence of the program for me lies in the 3 c's, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. Alanon has been a great resource for me in that I have found a fellowship of people who understand my problems as few others could. I found strength in the literature, not just the daily readers, but there is one book "From Survival to Recovery" which is about growing up in an alcoholic home.

My life began to change when I started going to meetings and getting a sponsor to work the steps. I learned how to detach with love from those in my life who still choose to drink. There is a lesson and a blessing in all of this. Alanon has taught me that. I do so hope you will try six or more meetings to see whether or not it is for you.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Amm and welcome to MIP. Your story really hit me deep. I grew up being more of a Mother to my Mom than she was to me and I blamed myself for her weird behavior and drug usage for many years. I however have gone to Al-anon meetings for the last 6 months and have had a sponsor for 5 months and I know deep down it wasn't my fault. I married an alcoholic and although my AH drank long before our 15 years together I blamed myself and thought my behavior could control his drinking or my mini interventions would work, nothing did work, but I now know none of it is my fault. Like you said your Mom was a partier before you were ever born, so was mine. I am hopeful you can make it to some meetings in your area, you sound like you are definitely in the right place and saying the right things to fit right in here. I am sending you love and support!

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

As everyone else has stated it is not your fault as for feeling ashamed of the drinking I think most people in al anon can relate to this.

I hope you do gain the courage to try an al anon meeting the support , love and understanding you recieve is unbelievable. No one will judge you or your mother they all have someone they care about who drinks. The best thing I loved about my first meeting was the fact that everyone understood the shame, the fear , the anger it was like they could read my mind when really they had just been through the same horrible experience as me. They say try six meetings if its not for you you can have your misery back. I wanted happiness and al anon has given some happiness back to day.

take what you like and leave the rest hugs xxx

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

amm wrote:
... i know your not suppose to drink with that stuff and it scared me to death. I know they always say you shouldnt blame yourself for your parents drinking... but i think i'm a differnt story... i know i'm the reason...
Hi & Welcome,
I'm including part of your post because it hit me hard when I read it. I was married to an alcoholic for 36 years; it's been one year since we divorced. All those years, at least the last 26 years of my marriage I felt I was the reason he drank, or at least part of the reason. I also felt "I'm a different story." The psychologist that I had seen for around 17 years and all the books on alcoholism told me I was NOT responsible for his drinking. But yet, I felt "I'm a different story."
I'm posted to tell you that your isn't a "different story." You did NOT cause your mother's drinking. You did not. You did not. You did not!
Please.................. don't take years to figure this out that you are NOT the cause. It's wasted time. It's wasting your life. That false belief does nothing but damage you and it surely doesn't cure your mother's addiction. By the way, you can't cure her addiction no matter what you do.
I haven't read all the responses, but I'm certain that some have suggested Al-Anon to you. Al-Anon meetings is when I finally realized that I did NOT cause him to drink. Meetings are filled with people that understand your situation. I hope you give them a try.
Again, welcome. Look forward to reading about your progress. It does get WAY better!
Gail

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

amm

Big hugs and prayers being sent your way. Bless your heart no matter what you heard your mother say none of this is your fault. alcholics always have to blame someone or have an excuse and that day, the conversation you heard it just happened to be about you.
You are not powerful enough to "make" someone drink just as you aren't powerful enough to make them stop.
So If you get nothing more out of all that has been said get that you are not guilty of anything.
You sound like a lovely young woman who is carrying around respodsibilities that aren't yours to carry.
I do pray you get to alanon meetings and work the program and get educated on the disease of addiction, it will do you a world of good.
Hope you keep posting
Blessings

amm · Newbie

Thank you all soooooo very much for you comments. It really means alot to me and i cant thank you enough. I've been looking into going to Alnon meetings, but now that my mom is "sober" (i can never be sure anymore) I was always fearful that her knowing i was going would cause her to drink again. I know i shouldnt think it my fault, and i'm sort of glad i'm not the only one who thought that way. Living around here has been a struggle fearing anything i did or said would cause her to drink. Again thank you all so much for the warm welcome and words of support. I'm so sorry everyone had to go through what they did but i'm glad you are healing, hope one day soon i'll be healing too!

@Lacey- I just turned 21 actually, and all this with my mom started rather suddenly right after i turned 17. She has admitted she has a drinking problem but would never go anywhere for it, to put it simply everyone in my family has a drinking problem, which is probably why none of them think its a problem. I come from a family where at get togethers, people are more worried if they will have enough alcohol then food. So she grew up with my alcoholic grandparents and i think has the mind frame "they didnt need to get help either do i"

She has stopped on her own now. But i'm always worried something will set her off, kind of like a ticking time bomb, and the whole reason i started looking online for help was actually because of the anxsity i had towards a family party that happened yesterday. My Uncle was having a surprise party, and my mom offered for me to make all the cookies and stuff and then for us to help decorate... I discovered later it was at a bar... and my uncles girlfriend just carried in all this beer and alcohol and i just felt my stomach turn as my mom helped her set it up. I guess you can say i've developed an unhealthy hatred for alcohol now. I vowed from a very young age after seeing my grandmom drink that i would never drink, and so far i've kept that vow. Its just now that i'm 21 my family expects me to pick up a bottle and have fun with the rest of them, but i just cant do that. I denied my mom a 21 birthday party for myself, because i was terrified of my family coming over with alcohol, what she would do, she is sort of ashamed of me that i didnt want to have one, and that i'm the weirdo in the family that never wants to drink, although she knows why. The rest of my family is less understanding as they asked me over a million times why i wasn't drinking. My excuse was i had to drive and they left me alone. Luckily my mom didnt drink last night although that might have been because i stuck by her like a small child, constantly watching her to make sure.

And i have some more questions but i dont know if i should post them here... so here they are.

Do any of you have issues with alcohol? A sort of hatred for it? I often fear what would happen if i ever did drink, as a science major in college i know addiction is genetic and with 3 alcoholic grandparents and 2 alcoholic parents i worry i'll turn out the same.... All this fear and resentment towards alcohol has also made me an outcast, i dont go around telling friends not to drink, i just dont want to be around them when they do. I feel horrible and awkward around people drinking and maybe these are just my crappy "friends" but none of them want to be at anything i organize because it would be a sober party. I also fear for my boyfriend, he's younger my 2 months, so he hasnt turned 21 yet, but will next month, I was lucky enough to find someone who didn't drink! But he doesn't do it because its against the law for a minor, but now turning 21 i worry, i worry if he will be a heavy drinker and what he will be like drunk. Anyone else ever have similar fears?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.