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Well, we FINALLY got some news about the DUI stuff and it's a mixed blessing. 10 months has been forever!! Until I see it in writing though I won't know for sure, as I really don't believe what my AH says to me. I would say more now than I did a year ago for sure.
The lawyer called him at work and let him know he was going to have to plead out. They are viewing this as a 2nd DUI, (that is a good thing believe it or not). He is sooo lucky they could view it as a 3rd. This is the 3rd in 25 years. Because the first two happened so long ago it was def a different time and there was the complication of two different states.
This is what I hoped for really, he will get 6 months alcohol ankle monitoring. This will cost approx 1300. UGh/Grrr. He will have to do some kind of probation. I'm sure there will be court fees and fines. I'm hoping that they will require some kind of outpatient therapy and/or mandatory AA meetings. If nothing else so he has to face this as a reality of yes the DUI happened. I know he won't take the help unless he is ready at least it would be there and that's the best I can hope for.
His dad paid for a very expensive lawyer I know it would have been a lot worse with no lawyer. Now what he could have faced was a longer license suspension, $2500 to get his license back good luck with that .. lol. Def don't have that kind of money. As well as 5 days of jail time. He dodged a bullet big time.
I guess my question is based upon what I have shared, how long would a probation be? Honestly I'm hoping 3 - 5 years. Is there a chance he will have to do some kind of treatment? What happens in these situations? 2nd DUI? I just have no idea I've never had to deal with anything of this magnitude.
I actually did get what I was hoping for, as far as letting go and letting God handle stuff. I was honestly hoping for something that wouldn't affect the kids and myself anymore than it already has, as well as helping him face the music. This has been a huge shock to him. He really couldn't believe they counted it as a 2nd and I'm not surprised at all.
PS - As anxious as sound in my post, this is a huge relief I have felt like I've been holding my breath for 10 months.
-- Edited by Pushka on Friday 8th of July 2011 05:31:35 PM
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The very best probation he could ask for from my own experiences is the one day at a time "for life" program of AA however no one can sentence him to that. It takes willingness on his part and the capacity to be honest and then for him to get to the open meetings of AA. Understand...there is absolutely nothing that stands in the way between him and the manufacturer, distributor and retailer of alcohol. That is only one reason that alcoholism is a fatal disease. His getting bailed out (enabled) with out AA in his life brings him closer to the fatal nature of the disease.
MIP is for you as is Al-Anon...Take care of yourself while the insanity is running its course. If you don't alcoholism will also take you farther than you ever wanted to go sick.
Keep coming back...read, follow the suggestions of those who have been her and in the AFG for a while cause it's the experiences that hold up the light to the path.
I'm just more curious legally. I know this is all on him. He's responsible for his sobriety. This DUI stuff has been hanging over us like a gauntlet as far as not knowing what was coming next. I have been doing well except when the court date comes up. LOL .. today was not the final court date it's just good to know it's FINALLY going to be ending at some point. I just want to know NOW .. LOL .. I know not much!! :) The next court date will be his sentencing, just to know that this part is done is huge.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't have any suggestions. Just want to offer my moral support for all that is going on with you. Sending you lots of hugs. Hang in there. Hope things get better soon. Take care!
Hi Pushka, The DUI is all his. You write as if it is yours. I know how it affects you. I have been down your path. I hated having to take him to work. I hated having to take him to his meetings. Most of us hate having their lives interfere with our lives and the lives of the kiddos. It is so maddening. And they take it so easily as if we have nothing better to do in our lives but be at their beck and call. Grrrrr. If you have some clout with him (and you do...it's called "rides"), you could tell him that you insist that he go to AA meetings. If he wants the rides he plays by your rules. I have heard by so many people that AA ruins their drinking. It makes them aware. It isn't so much fun any more.
I had to meet with my hubby's sentencing officer before his final court date. This guy is the one who got me to Al-Anon. If you have a chance, ask them to make AA meetings a part of the sentence. My hubby had to have slips signed in AA for his probation officer for the duration of his probation.
You won't know what happens until it happens. Maybe it will be a surprise, or maybe not.
That is exactly how I have felt the whole time, how it affects the kids and I .. grrr .. the lovely collateral damage. It's been my sentence just as much as his. Even though it IS his DUI, the family has paid the price right along with him. It wasn't just us either it was everyone he has any kind of responsibility to, his mom, work, blah blah blah. I know the stories he has told his mother about the reason he's not driving .. lol .. those are good. It's really hard not to say anything. It's his business and I'm not covering for him. I haven't been asked AND what I say is if that's what A chooses to tell you that's his business. So she knows he's lying. The only reason I have made it through this year without the anger eating me up is because of Alanon. There's no way I would have been a little on the dark side after this year. I would have sold my soul to the Empire and been Darth Vadars co-hart in a min after this year. I probably would have sounded just as freaky to boot!! :) I also knew for my own sake and that of the kids I had to get my head on straight because the year would come to an end. He will be driving again and there is no way I'm hoping on the crazy train. I like who I am becoming, there is a great quote about running after the addict, dragging my dignity behind me. I've given enough of my dignity away. Not chasing him through town, just acting out in my own way. Now at least I know he still has to face some music. Which some of will affect JUST him. He can't pretend this year never happened. I'm grateful my kids will remember the year their dad could not drive. Because it really happened and no one can tell me or try to sell me the story it did not. That was the part that was so frightening to me, that he was going to literally skate. He had the lawyer to make it happen. Thankfully, it does not look like it will go that route. There was enough evidence that there was a huge issue. I will have to wait and hear about the sentencing. I will get a copy of it as well. Yes, this has been my obsession wondering when it was going to end. I was like after 10 mo, literally 15 court dates, I think, that have been delayed or whatever. I'm more anxious and it will pass, it's just because like I said I want to know NOW .. lol.
The driving has been a big issue and he has tried to use that to punish and control me. It has appeared that way to me on many occasions. I did really good on a few occasions as far as drawing boundaries AND sticking to them. OMG .. I was sooo angry after he got the DUI and was now not driving, for the first 2 weeks I started driving with him I would make him literally get in the back of the van. There was huge silences on those trips on both sides. Not one of my finer moments, that right there was how I felt. My AH has done me some of the biggest favors of my life, even if he doesn't know it and even though it hurt like hell when they happened. First one being because my pain outweighed the pay off I was getting remaining stuck in the pattern I was in, I went to Alanon. Continuing to go is another one, he is in shock when I go each week as if it's something new and different .. lol. Now I added another meeting and that really throws him. I've explained to him before this really is not about him, it's about me and damage that has been done long before he walked into the picture. I have to salvage myself in this situation and can't keep going down the same road in patterns or in behavior. The second was reminding me that I was choosing and allowing myself to be treated as a second class citizen. We have both had a few light bulb moments of clarity. His have been oh crap, she's not putting up with this now. And mine have been, it may not seem like I have choices I can make however know what YES I do .. lol. I also don't have to be a screaming mee mee to make my point about something, I get to remain calm cool and collected. Truthfully, that scares him to death. It's easier for him if I act like a looney tune because he can say oh you are crazy. See how you act, see how you are crazy. Then it's all about deflection, the whole reason I'm upset gets swept up under the rug and it becomes about something it really is not even about.
I don't give him rides to work everyday or some weeks even once or twice. That has been a huge change for me NOT being at his beck and call. Especially because it's summer and the summer is about me being available to drive the kids to and from where they need to be as they ARE dependent on me for rides. He's had to start getting rides from people from work. It's amazing when I hear, I can't get a ride and my response is well I can't pick you up for another 2 hours, guess what I get a call he has a ride, never mind. These are things he knows in advance are going on. So it's not like oh sorry we left town for the day. He has also had to deal with hearing the kids ask Daddy, why IS mommy driving us everywhere? You used to do most of the driving. It kills him and he tried to lie to the kids about it and I wish I had handled the situation better I was deep in the cycle at the time. I know what I would say now, which really wouldn't be much different just less angry on my part. I still do not agree with lying to the kids is the answer either. I am firm on that issue. He can spin whatever story he wants to others, however he has to face his kids and tell them the truth. I no longer cover for him. He has to hear from the kids now when things have to be cancelled because I can't be two places at once.
UGH I'm rambling again, like I said this is on my mind today was the court date and now this news. I hate the fact there is not more information yet. Of course it's the weekend so there won't be anything until next week. It's a good thing I've got lots planned so hopefully I won't dwell on it. I have a meeting Sunday which I plan on going to. That should help a LOT. :)
Long story short right? Thank you for the support and wisdom I appreciate it :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Man can I relate. My Ah has one pending right now. It has been delayed for 1.5 years sometime I think by delaying it is some tactic, I don't know. He has always hired some pretty expensive attorneys and has gotton off free and clear on the first two. Here we are on our third cycle of DUI and I think to myself, I could have three brand new cars. But that is not the point. Waiting is the hard part, but that does not stand in the way of stepping into my life and living. It is more like a minor irritation in the background that I can do nothing about.
I keep reminding myself it never comes to stay, this too shall pass.
Man can I relate. My Ah has one pending right now. It has been delayed for 1.5 years sometime I think by delaying it is some tactic, I don't know. He has always hired some pretty expensive attorneys and has gotton off free and clear on the first two. Here we are on our third cycle of DUI and I think to myself, I could have three brand new cars. But that is not the point. Waiting is the hard part, but that does not stand in the way of stepping into my life and living. It is more like a minor irritation in the background that I can do nothing about.
I keep reminding myself it never comes to stay, this too shall pass.
In support,
Tommye
Thank you Tommye, I'm telling you it IS the waiting .. lol .. I am soooo proud of myself. I asked 1x about what the lawyer said and I dropped it after he answered. We had a little discussion about it and I was albe to let it go. I love his rationalization of what's going to happen, he has forgotten other incidents that he's had probation for, so that was sad and amsuing. I have a pretty good speculation as to what is going to take place. Truthfully, I think the prosecution is giving him enough rope to hang himself and he's going to have to decide to pick up the rope or drop it. I'm thinking 3 - 5 years probation, court fees and fines, as well as some mandatory meetings, and 6 mo of ankle monitoring. I'm curious to the charges they are filing it's not going down as a DUI, I think it will be suspended DUI and maybe some kind of reckless driving charges. He actually only got a ticket for the DUI nothing else I have NO idea how he managed that. I almost wish they would require community service .. however whatever it is I am praying daily to my HP that it be for the highest good of all concerned and His will be done. There is no concrete proof one way or the other as far as resonablde doubt goes and the prosecution can't prove he had been drinking or if it was his prescription drugs. No breathalizer and no forced blood draw someone screwed up. I KNOW he had been drinking.
For me that is a HUGE step forward like at least 5 large steps. Yes it's on my mind, however the paper will be here in the mail I'm hoping this week there is another court date the 21st. I will see it with my own eyes. I'm grateful to alanon because without the program I would have been jumping on the crazy train and headed into looneyville with no stops and no breaks totally out of control over the weekend. Instead the kids and I hung out enjoyed the weekend and I did obsess just I was able to let it run its course and be ok without the answers.
PS - Pushka on to much coffee .. woo hooooo!!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
