The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was married in March of 2011. I knew my future husband was a drinker but not to the extent I am seeing now. He drinks almost every day and by himself. In his car on the way home chugs alcohol to get a rush. He hides alcohol from me and lies to me constantly about drinking. We are arguing over this and he does not think it is a problem unless he wants something from me or has a bad hangover and feels bad about himself. He has not suffered any negative consequences from this because I have protected him and forgiven over and over. I am in tears on almost a daily basis because he is a scary nasty drunk and I hate coming home every day because I don't want to be around him when he is out of his mind drunk. Our friends have isolated us because people don't want to be around him when he is drinking and this world is getting very lonely. My husband says he really doesn't care if they don't like him. This weekend he was on a 12 hour binge and he hit me in the back of my head. He doesn't rememeber it, when I brought this up and said he was abusive he mimicks me, blames me and gets irrate. I called his mother this week when he was drunk so she would be more aware of what her son is up to and this did no good. I am embarassed, and I want out if he doesn't get help but I can't make him get help. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should or shouldnt be doing at this point?
(((Sadnewlywed)))) HUGS!!!!!!!! Going to face to face alanon meetings has saved me because there I found friends I could call and talk to. You are in the right place. If you can google it, find a meeting in your area and get yourself there. You may feel like you don't belong, but living with an alcoholic is too much for most people to handle without the loving support of alanon. The books Courage to Change, Getting Them Sober and ONe day at a time in alanon have all helped me as well. The slogans "don't react" and "remain calm" have helped so much, and I use them all the time. Easy does it is another big one as I learn to go easy on myself and my Alcoholic bf. For now, try to get to at least six meetings in a row, try it out, see what its like, listen, and practice the tools and slogans. Reach out, get phone numbers and actually call people. Reaching out has been a great tool for me, because when my friend from alanon listens, and talks with me, I get out of my own head and start using the tools again. Its not easy but it is simple. Going to meetings, finding a sponsor and working the steps are my suggestions to you :) Take care of you! Welcome here, keep coming, it works when we work it!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
There IS help available to you, and a great start towards that is choosing recovery for yourself..... Some of the books suggested will help you understand about the need to detach with love, to detach yourself from his disease.... to stop protecting him, and allowing him to bear the consequences of his actions/behaviors, etc....
Your new hubby sounds very much like he is an alcoholic.... the Three C's remind us that we did not Cause it, we can't Control it, and we cannot Cure it....
Take care, and keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome and I agree you have to take care of yourself.
Good luck and keep coming back :) P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I didn't realize my husband's problem until less than a year after we were married. I am very lucky because he hit rock bottom and wanted to change, but an alcoholic marriage is so hard. For me there was never any money, he was always depressed when he wasn't drinking, and our marriage was falling apart. I hope you are able to attend meetings and find support there.
Dear sadnewlywed, I am very empathetic and care what happens to you.
I am going to say what most people are unwilling to say to you. When another person is hitting you, you are being abused. You don't have to take it-----no matter what anyone says to you.
THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE FOR YOU. THERE IS UNDERSTANDING, ANONOMOUS ADVICE AVAILABLE. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW YOU ARE SEEKING ADVICE OR HELP.
Every phone book has abuse hot lines listed. You can call anytime. Often, people are afraid that they don't know what to say---not to worry----these people know what to ask. No one will force you to do anything, but they are very understanding and can be a sounding board for you to talk to any time you like.
It is a good idea to find out your options because physical and verbal abuse tend to escellate over time.
You don't have to stay isolated with ANY of your difficulties.
Thank you all for your suggestions. I have found a meeting by my home and I made an appointment with a LCSW next Wednesday to help address this situation. I am also going to get a couple of the books that were suggested. I am aware this is not going to be easy and a long road for both of us, together or apart. I will be in touch.
Hi. I am also a newlywed with an alcoholic husband...we got married in around the same time...message me if you would like to talk about anything. I have known my husband was an alcoholic for a while before I married him. People always give me advice that I should leave him...doing that is much harder than saying it. I am really making an effort to work on our relationship and try to heal it before I have to decide between staying or leaving. I'm not giving advice because I am still new to this and am NOT an expert. Just truly understand your situation.
