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Hi. I'm new here. I decided to look for an Al-anon site because I've had good experience with other online bulletin boards and also because I just don't know who to talk to IRL. I don't want to go to a real meeting in my community because I work with juveniles and often refer their parents to Al-anon...I don't want to run into them at meetings.
My husband just got home...9 am. He said he wanted to go out for a drink last night and that he would be home in about an hour. I got a text from him around midnight saying that he had run into some friends and would be a little later. I texted him around 3:00 and he said he'd be home in an hour. That was the last I heard from him until I saw him come in the door. He didn't even bother to call in to work.
This is the first time since we've been married that he's stayed out all night (a little over 2 years married). I made the mistake of trying to talk to him as soon as he got home. He was not in the least contrite and told me that he thought it was okay to do this occasionally. I don't have a problem with going out with your friends but, in my world, married people don't stay out all night...and especially without calling. He's actually mad at me for being hurt that he didn't call.
Background:
We've been married for a little over 2 years and he was sober for a little over a year when we got married. Before that he was probably drunk most days and also smoked pot. He didn't really drink around me. I drink sometimes but mostly it's a glass of wine if I go to a restaurant. I've never been someone who really even had alcohol in my home - unless I was making beef burgandy :)
He's done something like this about 4 times since we've been married. He just doesn't seem to understand that he CAN'T handle himself. He seems to not realize that, once he's had more than 2 beers, he's not making his own decisions anymore. I wish he just wouldn't drink but haven't been willing to push it b/c 99% of the time he's only having one beer.
HI and welcome here (((HUGS))))!!!! Alanon face to face meetings are actually anonomous. This board is great, but going to meetings and listening to people share and finding people you can talk with after the meeting etc. I got myself to meetings after many suggestions from this board. I am so glad I went. I have actually seen a few people there that I may or may not have known from the outside world, but we have all kept to the anonomous program that we share in alanon. In the program there are many tools and slogans. Remember the 3 C's: You didn't cause him to drink, you can't cure his drinking, and you cannot ever ever ever control it. It is not your fault. The first step is that we are powerless over alcohol. You can apply that to your whole life, we are truly powerless over everyone and everything but ourselves. In alanon we find people who love us even when we can't love our selves. I am learning a few slogans that are helping me through times that my Abf drinks like: Don't react. Remain calm. And one someone from this board named Tom has said: "He is either gonna drink or not, what are you going to do?" I know from living with an active alcoholic how hard it can be, but I am learning from someone I talk with from the real meetings that has helped me to stay positive in those hard times. My A walked to the liquor store the other night because I wouldn't take him (he doesn't have a lisence right now). I had to remember to Let go and let God so I could get through it. He came home very drunk, and I was mad, but I am learning to not react, so my reaction was to go to bed. It works when we work this program. Going to real time meetings is the best because you can listen to shares in real time, find a sponsor and work the steps to help you get better. Thats the most important thing. Alcoholism can affect anyone, from a King to a homeless person. We, the family members need each other to get through the insanity so we can find serenity... take care of you! Welcome, keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I'd like to challenge you to reconsider your rationale for NOT going to meetings - YOU are worth it, and your hubby's drinking is obviously affecting you.... I can't imagine that 'running into someone' at an Al-Anon meeting could be anything negative for you, in your position - what better credibility than a counselor who walks the walk AND talks the talk....
What a program of recovery will do - for you - is to help you learn to bring your energy and attention on the things you CAN influence and change (i.e. you), and less on the alcoholic and their behaviors.....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome and hugs big time. Been there done that and it's a hurt that smarts badly. My AH has done that and done it the same way, one call be home shortly, next call be home in an hour and then silence. After he did it more than 2x the staying out, I knew instantly he was drinking because he shut his phone off completely.
I agree completely with Tom I can tell you right now I would have tremendous respect for someone who referred me to a program who was going themselves. However I totally understand the flip side of the coin as well. If you truly can't go to an alanon meeting please find a good addiction counselor who can help you work through your feelings and even work the program. Getting help is the most important step. It is there you are worth it!!
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome - Tjlyali . Your post caught my eye as I am new to this forum as well. My husband is one of those who, if he goes out, just can't come back quickly. (although it's usually more like 1 or 2 am). Most times alcohol is involved. He feels the need to close the place down even if he isn't drinking and says upfront that he won't be late. I usually go on to bed, then wake up angry that he isn't home. Last night it happened and even though I don't think he was drinking, it still pissed me off. I don't think a married man needs to be out at a restaurant/bar until 1 am on a work night. I made myself not speak to him and pretend to be asleep but this morning I just couldn't hold it back and in my usual passive/aggressive way tried to grill him--find out if he drank, why he stayed so late. He was at a charity event a friend of his had sponsored and said he felt like he needed to stay for him and help him pack up. I just find myself, especially during the middle of the night, wondering if it's really worth it to stay with someone who puts me through this. I know rationally that he isn't doing it to me, but it feels that way. And I think sometimes passively agressively he IS doing it to piss me off. Do others get these feelings of just wanting to divorce to be free of it all? Is it possible that 35 years of this have caused me to lose the love I need to want to work through it? I just feel really ambivelant right now and although I know working through it is good for me, I just don't feel like I have the energy to do it anymore.
Thank you for the responses. I have called a counselor and have an appointment next week. I'm still hesitant about the groups though. I'm not a therapist, I'm a probation officer. I get the anonymity concept but I feel like there could still be some perceived issues because, even though I generally have a good relationship with the family members of my clients, I'm still the one who is monitoring kids (and doing home searches) who are in danger of being sent to detention.
After I posted this I got a call from my husband's boss who was worried that he hadn't come to work - it's not something he's done before. I just can't believe he didn't even call in sick. This is one of his busiest times at work too.
Oldgraduate: I do the passive-aggressive grilling thing too. I do NOT understand the mindset of people not having the respect to be home at a decent hour. In my particular case I think my husband tends to feel like calling me to say he's going to be late (even though this hasn't happened that often) is the same as asking my PERMISSION and so I'm the one deciding if he's ALLOWED to. I guess I am, in a way, but I don't see what the big deal is in asking that he at least come home to sleep.
I would also ask that you reconsider going to meetings. My son is an addict and I wish one of his couselors, probation officers etc would have had the foresight to suggest Alanon to me. And if they had and I saw them at a meeting I would be thinking how couragous they were and how smart they were to be taking thier own advice they give to others. It would not put me off in any way what so ever. I think counseling is great but it doesn't give you the fellowship or support of the Alanon community. That being said we do have meetings here online twice daily and the support, love and acceptance is great. Wish you all the best Blessings
You have some wonderful suggestions already shared here. I just wanted to welcome you to the board and encourage you to keep sharing. You may find it will help to lighten your load.
I am new here too. My ABF has been known to show the exact same behaviors as your situation. I am also very guilty of approaching him, getting mad or whatever, when the situations arise, knowing good and darn well that he's not thinking rationally. My nature is to stand up for myself and defend what I know is right. Hard to do when the other person thinks there isn't a problem.
Hugs and support to you.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
ELEKTRAWMN - I so agree with your post. Even tho mine did get help and admit he had a problem, it didn't last long. Soon "It really wasn't a problem and instead was all about me and my character flaws". My problem is I start to believe it and have a hard time balancing what is true and what is just his perception. Welcome to the boards, it is fun to have some other newbies.
ELEKTRAWMN - I so agree with your post. Even tho mine did get help and admit he had a problem, it didn't last long. Soon "It really wasn't a problem and instead was all about me and my character flaws". My problem is I start to believe it and have a hard time balancing what is true and what is just his perception. Welcome to the boards, it is fun to have some other newbies.
Mine has admitted he has a problem. He's also admitted he wasn't ready for help. Fast forward 2 weeks and now he's in own personal detox hell at the county detention center. And I agree completely... the balance is what I struggle with. He can be REALLY convincing.... tough decisions on the horizon. Thanks :)
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
