"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Help me out here

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

There are exceptions to every rule, but in general terms:

- Alcohol is a depressant (not an uplifter)

- alcoholism is a progressive disease

- alcoholism and alcohol abuse are used by people to avoid feeling and living reality - they are not real life and sustainable.... they are coping mechanisms (at best)

I am glad you haven't seen the really bad side of his alcoholism (yet), as it is not a pleasant thing at all..... I hope, for both of your sakes, that he arrests his problem & chooses recovery, before it gets the best of him.... For you, I hope you continue to post, read, and educate yourself about this disease....

Take care

Tom

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

An addict comes in all shapes and sizes, they aren't always the crazy guy at the end of the corner standing with the need money for food signs. Not saying that all of those people are addicts, just saying when people say addict that's one image people may get. I've heard all kinds of rationalization from other people, alcoholics have to drink every day, alcoholics drink hard liquor, beer is ok to drink because it's not hard liquor. Same rationalization with wine as well, if someone drinks wine that's not really an alcoholic.

My AH is a really nice guy who gets very animated when he drinks. He's funny, charming. Everyone loves him when he isn't drinking. He's one of those people who just looks like a nice guy and is. He does not drink everyday, he doesn't even necessarily drink once a month. 1 drink is to many and 100 drinks are not enough. I have to remind myself that just because he isn't drinking all of the time doesn't mean there isn't an issue. I go to this analogy, if a normal person drinks 5x in one year and all 5 times there is an "incident". DUI, out all night and is married, lies about drinking or not drinking, using drinking as a way to cope, had alcohol issues in the past, insert issue, chances are there is probably an issue with alcohol. My experience has been the drinking starts as a coping device (self medicating) and then it just escalates to the point that something will and does happen. I can name extremely stressful times in our lives, birth of children, death of a s/parent, divorce of the other set of parents, money issues, that is a major trigger for my AH. I can say that because if I go back and look at the dates of things that have happened it's very close in time frame to those things.

It takes more and more to get him to where he needs to be so each binge becomes at what point will it stop. I speculate there has been blackouts for my AH because I have gotten the I don't remember story. Do I know 100%? No, I never really will, his sobriety or drinking is his business. Do I want him to? Of course I'd rather he not drink at all. That's his path not mine to take or make. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and so to answer your question yes the drinking does escalate. The fact you don't know really how much he is drinking (that is not an invite to start counting the mental count ugh .. I hate that .. lol .. I'm just saying you stated he is not honest about how much he is drinking).

Hugs, I hope you find a meeting and even if the first meeting doesn't seem for you try each area at least 6 times, every group has an off night or maybe just it's different. The point is to get help for yourself so you keep your sanity in an insane situation. :)

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

My ES&H to you would be to try again at the same meeting or a different meeting, have an open mind listening to what has worked for others who have walked in your shoes.

It doesn't matter what the alcoholic looks like, are how much they drink, it matters that you are effected by someone else's drinking.

Going to and continuing to go to f2f meetings allowed me to put the focus on me and not the alcoholic in my life. I made the program an everyday part of my life. Going to meetings each week, reading my literature, working the steps, coming to MIP, and turning my alcoholic over to a power greater than myself changed my life for the better. It took work, and it takes work, but it does work.

HUGS,
RLC

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Ilovedogs, I feel confused now. On some your past posts you have spoken of emotional abuse and other abuse (in your words, of course). I actually responded.

Maybe I am misreading or something. Maybe you can clarify for me?

Sincerely, Otie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

All just depends on how their body is reacting to the alcohol. Maybe he has a sttronger tolerance because he has good genetics and it will take awhile for his organs to break down.

Maybe he has not damaged a certain part of his brain yet.

Just is all irrational to guess at and does not matter. As it will and is destroying him, and probably in ways that can never heal.

So he is not drinking in the day when he is angry etc. My first though is he is going thru detox withdrawal.

But again you shared some great ways you are progressing.

His disease or what he does is none of our business.

I remember being where you are, but he was not crabby until he saturated to a certain point, i just went and did something else.

but in time it did get horribly worse.

I learned to appreciate all those precious last times I had with him.

My first was like how you shared about your dad. he was handsome and funny, laughed alll the the time, until he was killed when he got too drunk and walked onto the hiway.

horrible disease. again good for you for keeping your tools in your head!

love,deb

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Ilovedogs,

If your life is being affected by his drinking and/or behavior, going to al-anon will answer some of your questions and most importantly will make you feel better. my AH is a binge and fucntional drinker, only drinks on week-ends but he drinks a lot. i never see him drunk. when he was dry, i almost wished he could drink again his behavior was so drastically changed, menaing unbearable. when he drinks all of a sudden he is charming. they all come in different sizes, shapes, level of education, rich, poor, it doesnt matter what the label is, its none of your business, changing your life on the other hand is your business. You reached out here, its awesome.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Otie, I had typed out a nice long reply and somehow it didn't get posted. Anyway, yes he is verbally abusive at times but not when he's been drinking. I, at times, thought I was living with a dry drunk for years since he had been sober(he did not do AA, he just quit for his own personal reasons) for 15 years. Now, I realize that he was drinking all those years ago to treat an underlying condition(possibly bi polar or depression or a personality disorder) and once he quit drinking, that condition(s) became a major problem in our marriage. At first when we were married and he was newly sober, I blamed the alcohol(or lack thereof) but then year after year of this mistreatment and I realized I should start researching depression and anger in men.

We've been doing a lot of talking lately and he agreed to go to a psychologist for a diagnosis and then he'd think about medication. I think he likes to self-medicate with alcohol right now and that's what he's doing to cope. He has an appointment in 2 weeks. Believe me, sometimes I'm confused myself. When you live with a Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde you get confused a LOT!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

ilovedogs,

I want to use a word of caution with meds make sure you have a really really really good dr who is aware of his drinking issues, and who is experienced with meds and addiction. We went from bad to worse with the meds. My AH was never on the right meds and there never was any followup or maybe it was that my AH was never honest about what was going on. He started drinking heavily while taking the meds and within a year things were a mess. Yes he no longer had anxiety attacks (he started with those, the drinking actually kept him from having them) to going to total numb out. I mean the whole I don't give a dam kind of thought process. He was suicidal as well, as that is when he got the DUI. It was a nightmare. He still takes one kind of med for the anxiety, no longer on paxil or seriqual (sp?). I wonder if he had been misdiagnosed during that time. I would have rather seen him in intensive therapy getting coping skills. It threw him into crazy behavior, think kind of like Charlie Sheen meltdown without the porno stars. He was def hypermania kind of stuff, 3am exercise routine, arguing with people aggressively, more depressed than he had been, bought a used truck, tried to buy a motorcycle it was like dealing with a midlife crisis, a totally checked out. I'm not saying that happens to everyone, or meds are bad, what I am saying was that was our experience and he is the first one to say, never again it scared him so bad that meds make him uber wary.

Yes, you were living with a dry drunk someone who has no recovery program, and no fall back plan if the drinking starts again. They just stop drinking, no real responsibility for the drinking, that is a dry drunk. That's what my AH is currently no program, no back up and behaves like an alcoholic without the alcohol at times. To the best of my knowledge we are going on 8 mo's of not drinking, I wouldn't say he's made it that far being "sober" as he had an accident, lit himself on fire, back draft kind of deal (thank goodness he was ok) with fumes and was on strong pain killers for a week. I don't know where to qualify that.

Hugs and good luck, sorry not to be debbie downer, I am gun shy about specific situations.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka, I totally get the meds interaction with alcohol thing and that's why I scheduled him with a psychologist first. He can get a diagnosis, get counseling, and then (if he stays in counseling long enough) they can decide if meds are needed. I am gun shy of meds and so is he, so I don't think that would be a first line of treatment for him anyway. It sounds like you guys have had an interesting year.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

That is putting it mildly, it's been a learning curve. When he originally went in the primary started prescribing them. Then we had the DUI and then he went to the psychologist. Unfortunately, by that point he was so not present. He admits to this, I'm not speculating. He was on total shutdown. It wasn't enough for him to hear from 4 different professionals that he couldn't mix alcohol and the script. He was already hiding/lying his drinking, knowing what I know now, I would have been in alanon before all that started .. lol .. hindsight 20/20. My heart just goes out to you and your husband it's such a trick to get the right thing.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Kind of a complicated situation seems to be a lot of things going on. I do know this This disease is progressive never gets better until the person seeks recovery. I also know when you are speaking with your husband you are talking to his disease weather he is drunk or dry.
My son is an addict and these are truths I had to accept if I was going to continue my recovery.
I have spoken to many recovering A's as I thought that my son possibly had a mental health issue, that he was self medicating etc. Each of these people told me the exact same thing..... 1st it didn't matter if he did or didn't have a mental health issue at this point because his #1 problem he needed to fix before he could even think about being tested for a mental health issue is addiction. Until he found and worked recovery any other issue is really on the back burner. I didn't care much for that answer but I thought and prayed on it and found it to be true.
2nd in early sobriety A's can exibit the exact same symptoms of being bi-polar so they end up going to the Dr getting meds prescribed and thinking that, that is the answers to all thier prayers. When in fact they are not bi-polar but its a get out of jail free card cause they can then take the meds and go back to drinking.
This is a cunning and baffling disease. One in which I have to look for my own answers everyday and lots of times I just don't like the answers, try to take back control until I hit that brick wall again and then surrender to my HP once again.
I wish you the best in your recovery
Blessings

Iris lover of dogs · Veteran Member

Hello ilovedogs,
I just joined this group, and was attracted to your name, but when I read your post, I thought bingo! I have found my group. And, hopefully I can help a little by telling my story. My AH (assuming that means alcoholic husband?) started out as a casual beer enthusiast; he wasn't an alchoholic. But later, he started needing at least 4 or 5 drinks to be satisfied - enough to get a good buzz on - just about every time he would drink. At some point during this time, I remember thinking - he's nicer when he drinks. When not drinking he was irritable, fault finding, felt sorry for himself, was critical of others, blaming outside people and situations for his problems. When he drank, he was happy - like you said - the guy that I married - fun, happy, kind. But then it got worse - at a certain point, he was drinking so much that I would find him collapsed on the floor, or he would be incoherant. It was at this point that he started getting sort of aggressive - not physically exactly - but demaning my attention, occasionally pushing me, or poking me. He would say thinks like "I'm a bad, bad, bad, boy, huh? Aren't I a bad, bad, bad boy?", trying to get me to engage him in an argument. He was a different person - it was very Jekyll and Hyde, and I hated to be around him when he was like this, because I didn't know him - I found him unpredictable, completely self-absorbed. And then it got even worse - he behan lying to me, conspiring with friends to lie to me - he got a DUI - and he started combining drinking beer and wine with lots of pot smoking, vodka. At that point, I felt invisible. My needs mattered not one little bit to him. So, I recognize where you are, because I was there a couple of years ago. I don't have any advice - I just know it only gets worse. As others have said - it is a progressive disease. I have also experienced many cycles - drinking, quit drinking, start drinking again. My odyssey has been going on for ~ 6 years now. My AH stopped drinking 2 months ago, but I feel like he is still a dry drunk - still has the same attitudes like it isn't really his fault, that I am not being emphathetic enough, etc., and I have chosen not to return to our normal relationship this time - I am keeping myself emotionally distanced, because I don't want to enable him in terms of thinking that everything is ok. It isn't ok for me. And it won't be OK until he takes full responsibility. We are going to go to couples counseling to see what progress can be made there (we both are going to individual counselors now). But I have decided that unless he takes full responsiblity for the state of his life, and stops blaming others - people and situations - I am ending the relationship. And for me, this is made very hard by the fact that he was diagnosed with larynx cancer last year, and had surgery and now breathes through a stoma in his neck (he is only 42). He can't talk well, and doesn't have a job. So, without me, he would be hurting, and this troubles me, but I feel that I must take care of myself, and I don't want to live with somebody that won't take responsibilty for their own life. Even though he isn't drinking now, and even if he stops drinking long term (he recognizes he is an alcoholic, and admits that he can't drink at all) I suspect that his self-absorption, blaming, irritability, etc. will just get worse if he doesn't deal with the core psychological issues, which I see as responsibility (but I'm not a psychologist - it is probably more complicated than that). I am exhausted by all these years of hoping, wishing things will change . . . but now I realize that I have no control except over my own decisions, and my decision to end my marriage if I am not happy is empowering for me. B.T.W - I love dogs too! Good luck.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"