The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
..I have been to about 6 different meetings all over my town. I found one i liked but it became so big that there was a feeling of being lost in a crowd. Last night i went to a really badly run meeting...all kinds of people who THOUGHT they were funny....pointless sharing- I walked out.
So what do you do if you can't find a meeting?I have really found nothing as good as this online community. I will say that my f2f meeting helped me make the decsion to move out from my AH and the serenity prayer is a guide and anchor through my changes.
Sorry you are having a ruff Go with your F2F Meetings, I got Very Lucky when I Started just over 2 years ago, my town offered a few as well, and I Started one place and Landed another... I have learned that Me walking into those rooms at times I set my "Expectations" to high, I was Looking for their faults, and just wanted them to FIX ME... so as not to See my own faults, I just wanted to be Get Better... I can't say that it is the same for you, I just know that I was So use to being Judgemental that I didn't really Give others a Chance... but after I kept Coming back I realized that those people there was NOT Judging me! I was the one with the issue and they all truly did want to see me succeed in my Program and have been a true blessing in my life since...Not All of them, but Many...
I'm Not going to say there isn't "BAD" Meetings, because there is... And that is Truly Sad, because it is pretty scarey when we first dig up the courage to walk thru those doors to find something that is unsettling to us ... I will Pray that you Keep Going to the one that makes you feel the most Comfort... Sometimes just Listenings to other in the rooms, I find Someone that has a Story like mine, and when I do I never have regreted finding them after a meeting, to chat, or go out for coffee...It has worked for me! Sometimes I Need the Meeting to Lead me to Who I would Love to Learn from... If there is So Many in that Room, maybe it is because they are finding something that we may of at first over looked... I was Told to Hit 6 meetings before making my Choice. for Me it was 6 Meetings at the Same Place... That seemed to offer me more comfort as time went by...
Don't Give up ... YOU ARE WORTH IT... And there is one out there that is Just For YOU!
When I first went through the doors of Al-Anon, I was a broken man... My wife at the time was in the midst of very active and chaotic drinking, and my life had truly become unmanageable.... I went to two meetings (I live in a small town), and was disappointed.... All I saw were a bunch of "bitter ladies bitching about their mean alcoholic husbands", and I saw no value in continuing.... After all - I didn't want that - I wanted to grow, learn, and progress (probably also was hoping for the magic solution to make my AW stop drinking).
So I stayed away, and then things got WAY worse at home, and my life became even more unmanageable... After about two years of extreme chaos, I dragged myself back to those same meetings - and what I found was a bunch of wonderful, loving people - at various points in their recovery - who shared openly, and welcomed me without judgment.... the funny thing was - it was the same people!! (My humorous side would say "boy, did they ever learn a lot while I was away", but the reality, of course, is that I simply wasn't ready to be there the first time around). I was truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired", and my recovery started in earnest, at that time...
I am a believer that we don't really need "others" to make a good meeting.... I think what WE bring - openness, honesty, humility, desire to learn & grow, etc - is the key.... I hear stories about "bad" meetings, and although I am sure they do happen, I have never honestly experienced one...
Hope that helps...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I felt like that about my first meeting. I hated it. I didn't understand anything that was going on. Everyone kept saying how much the program helped them, and I didn't feel like they were specifically saying how. I wanted someone to tell me what to do in the situation I was in at the time - get divorced or not. I expected that from those people - expected them to have wisdom and guidance and share it with me. I was disappointed when that didn't happen. Nobody would offer me any advice except for "keep coming back," and that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I decided I was not going back - didn't get it, didn't like it, and didn't want it.
Fast forward 2 years. I went through a divorce without a program somehow. I got in a better place, and started dating a guy that went to AA. I decided to go to Alanon so my time would be occupied while he was in his meetings. Not a particularly healthy reason to go, but it was mine and it got my butt in the chair. I was a little more open minded about it because I wanted to be there. I still didn't "get" it at first, but I did go back. I started to change. And now I go to meetings for me and my life is just so incredibly different. I understand now that they didn't give me advice because advice-giving is part of what made each of us sick to begin with. We can't know anyone else's reality.
It took the third trip to alanon for me, in my case I was not ready to hear what was being said and I was not ready for what I needed to do. I can tell you now I am!! :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree with the others that it's easy to go to meetings with unrealistic expectations - or even not really knowing what exactly it is that we want or need. I also realize that everyone is only human, and we all come with our various wants, needs, expectations and problems to begin with, so I don't doubt that some meetings can sometimes get out of hand. Just because it happened once before doesn't mean every meeting of that particular group is always like that. If you're willing and feel right about it, maybe you could try some of those meetings again in a month or two, or maybe next year. Whenever you feel you're ready to try again.
A few years ago, I was regularly attending a group where one of the long-time members, a woman in her eighties or maybe even nineties, passed away. It was an extremely difficult time for the group, many of whom had been sponsored by this woman at one time or another. Of course, for the next couple of months, people often spoke of her and things they'd learned from her. But one of the younger women, also a long-time member, started complaining that the older woman's name shouldn't be mentioned when she was being spoken of - that we should only say "a former member" or "my former sponsor" or "someone who used to come to this group." She insisted it was a betrayal of the woman's anonymity to keep mentioning her name. Please keep in mind that she wasn't a "bad" person trying to cause problems - she was a recovering woman who lived with a recovering alcoholic spouse and had just lost a dear friend. She had a lot on her plate. She made such an issue of this for two or three weeks that we finally had a group conscience meeting about it. However, just as this woman was having a meltdown, a newcomer who was living with active alcoholism had started coming. Because this other woman was coming across as combative as she tried to process her grief, the newcomer stopped coming because she wasn't finding what she needed at the meetings. After the group conscience, everything went back to normal and the meetings became beneficial once again; but that newcomer never came back. I truly hope she found another meeting where she was able to get the help she needed. I also hope you don't become that newcomer who leaves it all behind.
For me, my recovery is too important to leave in the hands of other people. I've gone years at a time sometimes without going to face-to-face meetings (I live in more rural area, and the meetings that are available aren't always at times I can work into my schedule), but I continue reading the literature, working the program, calling others in the program, and now I've got MIP to add to my recovery resources. Everything we do for ourselves makes a difference. Even if you decide to take a break from f2f for a while, keep doing the other things you need to do for yourself. Your recovery is too important.
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Yes, I relate. In my case, it was because I was a snob, I thought I was better than everyone there. I didn't like their clothes, their hair-do's (especially their fake hair color,) I didn't like their cars, I didn't like how "unprofessional" the meetings were... and I certainly didn't like that they couldn't just cut to the chase and tell me what to do about my problems so I could be on my way. So I didn't even like al-anon.
I had nowhere else to go though, I had exhausted all the self-help books and I had already fired 5 professional counselors. So I kept going back, despite the fact that I saw them as a bunch of less-thans.
Today, of course, I know that these people saved my life. They are the most beautiful, loving people on the planet and I am eternally grateful that I now have real friends in my life. I never had that before.
My disease loves to isolate me, to get me alone and feed me lies such as, "you are better than that." I need real human contact so I know recovery is not an illusion, I need to "feel" the experience. I need the hugs. I need the love.
I have to tell you, I nearly walked out on several meetings. One was in a huge church dining hall and I couldn't hear one word because I am hearing impaired and I left my hearing aids in another purse. I was soooo mad at God, lol. (God's fault, of course!!) But, I stayed. Slowly the smoke from my ears began to clear and I just decided to close my eyes and "feel" the energy of the room. I can tell you, I was a very different person than the one who showed up at that meeting, I got everything I needed at that meeting, despite the fact, I didn't hear one word.
Another time, I showed up at a meeting with only 3 elderly men. ( I am in my 40's.) One man fell asleep on the table right after the serenity prayer and began snoring loudly. The other two passed all the readings back and forth to each other. My brain kept calling them "women haters" and I nearly stormed out. But I didn't. Instead I closed my eyes and I prayed. In the end, I heard exactly what I needed to hear, and I walked out of that room with enormous gratitude.
In one word, to me the program is about surrender, I have to let go of what things should look like. All I have to provide is willingness and an open mind and leave the rest to God, who is very much in support of me. God did for me what I could not do for myself. I was a snob. A miserable snob. But God put all the right people in my path so that I could finally know peace.
That's how it worked for me. Brightest blessings as you find your way, my friend ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 02:59:36 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 03:08:47 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 03:53:12 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Aloha Alex...You're right where you're supposed to be; actually doing battle with yourself rather than the meetings. Al-Anon is different than what I usually thought, felt and did when I first got there and so of course I was "oppositional" (under statement). I also left for a while and got crazier...used up whatever space I had between marginal and terminal. When I finally had no more energy to fight what I didn't know and understand and didn't know that I didn't know I was able to sit for seconds at a time and actually hear things that the more settled membership was talking about with experience. I could also hear the directions which would help me as a newcomer to settle in. Listen to these..."If you keep and open mind you will find help". "Take what you like and leave the rest." "Easy does it; one step at a time". There was more coming of course that also helped me to claim and hold on to my meeting seat like, "Sit down...listen...learn...practice, practice, practice."
All of that and the experiences of others who have walked this recovery trail in similar fashion has been brought here to be given away...free like how we paid for it. The MIP fellowship is powerful and sounds marvelous and like those who have shared their journeys before this the power and marvel has come as a result of starting somewhere and then continuing on in spite of our resistence.
To me this is a life saving experience from the experience. Hope this has been supportive...(((((hugs)))))
Thanks everyone. I think it was the wrong night, at the wrong meeting...and myself in the wrong mood on that night. I'll wait until it feels right to go back. As i said - I have been helped in the past and will be again. Meanwhile, I'll keep reading my literature, coming here, and listening to my HP
I laughed finally today after reading the responses to this post. I too judged my first couple meetings as not what I was looking for until I realized I had to let go of my very high expectations. I now love my Al-anon small group in my very small town it just took me time. I read Al-anon literature that I get from those meetings and from people who suggest books from MIP and with all of the meetings and my sponsor I have grown so much.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I can also relate to you. I did not like Alanon at the beginning because I had trust issues. I felt uncomfortable speaking in front of strangers. So, I left and returned about a year later. It was the best decision I made. I simply just kept going back to listen and learn. The things that bothered me, I ignored and kept the focus on my recovery. Truth be told, some of us are sicker than others and it is reflected at the meetings. Everyone of us recovers at our own pace and time. Each meeting has its own flavor, and we find the flavor we like best.
I had to let go of a meeting I really loved because something I shared at the meeting was discussed with my coworker.It was something that jeopardized my job. Apparently, a group of members went to a meeting after a meeting and the gossiping got out of control. My coworker approached me about something that I only shared at the meeting. I had no idea she and the other members knew each other (small world). My anonimity was broken (my heart was broken too). No meeting is perfect. People are still people. Alanon or not, some people's weakness is gossip. That meeting eventually ended due to the distasteful flavor that we all discovered later on. Sad!!!! I found out later that I was not the only victim. Lessons learned. Nonetheless, I never gave up on Alanon. It is the greatest support group around.
Keeping our anonimity is crucial for our recovery. We need a safe place to vent without feeling threatened. Hope things work out for you. Keep coming back.
Heh heh heh...I was in a similar situation several times in the last year. I thought last summer, after I went to a meeting with everyone just crying the whole time, that alanon was where you went to cry and have a pity party. I was here at that time and everyone helped me to see that every meeting is different. Every time I go to a certain meeting is different. I am learning to go now and just listen. When I listen there is usually something said that I need to hear. Some meetings do seem disoganized, some are very organized (like some meetings go around the circle to share and some are just sporadic and people share when they are moved to). Some meetings are filled with people crying. One meeting I was at an older lady had just passed away that morning. The whole group was in mourning but at the same time, there was so much love there. One night I got to a meeting almost a half an hour late. The lady that I have a contact with was there, she had a seat next to her. She gave me a hug when I came in and it was just what I needed after arguing with my A for an hour pryor to leaving. I felt such love and peace from her.
The thing with this board that is different is that we can kind of cross talk here, we share with you our E S and H and we can also comment and answer questions, much like at the end of a f2f meeting. That is when I get the answers I seek, after the meeting. I stay and help clean up and talk with the people about whats going on. Those that have been there a long time are really open to listening and giving me tips on how to use the tools better. One night I had my A texting me to buy him booze on the way home from the meeting. I didn't know what to do. I asked someone after the meeting and those that over heard me said "you don't have to do it. You can just head home and tell him if he asks that you never got the messages because you phone was off" I felt so good having someone say "you don't have to do it, and don't feel guilty for not doing it, you are entitled to peace" Glad you are here, keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
