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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> meeting
Post Info TOPIC: meeting
ifa


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meeting
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I went to a meeting last night, had not been to one for several years. I was exhausted from not sleeping and had to go to work today. So I thought I should stay home last night and go to bed, but knew I wouldn't sleep anyway, especially with the fireworks. I have been feeling desperate because my qualifier seems to have ended the relationship again. Not sure, he has done this many times before, whenever I start asking about our future, or whatever. I have been hanging on to him a very long time. Sometimes he really seems like he needs me and loves me, and other times I can't tell. If I pressure him at all, he ends it. It hurts me so much I pray to my HP to please kill me. I don't know how I am even functioning since I have hardly been able to eat or sleep for 3 days. And here I am at work. Luckily my boss is on vacation.

I went to a beginner's meeting I had never been to before. A woman whose name is Jane was there who I knew from past meetings. There is an odd coincidence in all this: Last winter I spied on my qualifier because I suspected he might have an alternate relationship. I found information that they would attend a party together and I went to the location. His car was outside the house, and I waited in the freezing cold for hours. Suddenly Jane appeared, walking her dog, because it turned out she lived on the same street. I had no idea about any of this. I did not know the person having the party, and I barely knew Jane.

It was helpful to meet an alanon person at a time like that, and I told her why I was there and what I was feeling. We were standing in the dark when my qualifier came out of the party with a woman, and I watched them get into his car. I was hiding behind Jane, so he didn't see me.

I felt like my life was over. It was like being shot in the heart with a cannon. Jane hugged me and prayed for me.

After that, I confronted my qualifier, but he of course had excuses. I thought our relationship would be over, but he continued calling and wanting to see me. 

I did not see Jane since that night. Then last night, at a very small beginner's meeting where I had never been before, I saw Jane again. And no one else that I knew.

So this looks like some kind of message from my HP, maybe to remind me of how I felt last winter? I don't what it meant, but too strange to be mere coincidence. Jane was very friendly and gave me her phone number.



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xeno59


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((( ifa )))

Big Hugs your way. Very sorry you are going thru this. Please keep going to meetings and work on helping yourself.
I know alanon saved my life and my sanity as my Son is my A. He is an addict and as parents my husband and I have truly done everything we could possibly think of to " save" or "fix" our son. He is a beautiful human being whom we love unconditionally. It took me a very long time here to work on setting boundaries and following through and work on not enabling. But in the mean time the wonderful people here taught me how to take care of myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping etc and the first thing I was taught was HALT ( hungry, angry, lonely, tired ) learning and practicing that literally saved my life. Anytime I get caught up in my sons addiction or even my own issues ( cause I certainly have issues beyond addiction) I stop and go thru those 4 things to pinpoint what I am feeling or what I need and then I take action. My husband doesn't do alanon, church is his place of recovery but I taught him HALT so when I don't recognize what i need he does and will bring it to my attention. Mostly for the eating because i do have an eating disorder.
So pls continue to go to meetings, we also have meetings here online twice daily and you will find an enormous amount of love, support and ESH ( experince, strenght and hope ).
Prayers your way
Blessings

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ifa


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xeno59 wrote:

((( ifa )))

Big Hugs your way. Very sorry you are going thru this. Please keep going to meetings and work on helping yourself.
I know alanon saved my life and my sanity as my Son is my A. He is an addict and as parents my husband and I have truly done everything we could possibly think of to " save" or "fix" our son. He is a beautiful human being whom we love unconditionally. It took me a very long time here to work on setting boundaries and following through and work on not enabling. But in the mean time the wonderful people here taught me how to take care of myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping etc and the first thing I was taught was HALT ( hungry, angry, lonely, tired ) learning and practicing that literally saved my life. Anytime I get caught up in my sons addiction or even my own issues ( cause I certainly have issues beyond addiction) I stop and go thru those 4 things to pinpoint what I am feeling or what I need and then I take action. My husband doesn't do alanon, church is his place of recovery but I taught him HALT so when I don't recognize what i need he does and will bring it to my attention. Mostly for the eating because i do have an eating disorder.
So pls continue to go to meetings, we also have meetings here online twice daily and you will find an enormous amount of love, support and ESH ( experince, strenght and hope ).
Prayers your way
Blessings

 Thanks. While feeling all this horrible misery, it occurred to me that I have been very unfair to my qualifier. I wrote to him and explained that I think I now understand how he feels. He told me I am just acquiescing out of desperation. I don't know if that's true. I usually follow this pattern every time he rejects me, deciding it's my fault. But this time is different because I think I have a better understanding of what goes wrong. He is a man and needs to feel trusted -- even if, since he is a man, he doesn't always deserve to be trusted.

I always want "truth" and "fairness," as though those things actually existed. How did I get to be so naive at age 59?

I hope I can figure something out with him.



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Debilyn


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Good for you for taking that step to the meeting! Also glad you saw her again! We never know what HP will set before us. Good for you for paying attention!

hugs,debilyn



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       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Jerry F


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Aloha ifa...your post reminded me of our definition of insanity "Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".  You can keep doing this over and over until you're 89 if you wish or by accident if nothing changes (nothing changes).  I've done "crises meetings" where I went only because my life was cracking and crumbling around my feet and then I learned to go to meetings so that crises and chaos stop arriving.  For me its about the 2nd have of the first step..."and my life has become unamanagable".  I managed my life very very poorly until I got "all the way into" the program.  I was told that if I stayed away from regular attendance I would forget what I learned earlier.  Turns out it was true for me...sucks.  If you're not attending regularly find a meeting you can make your "home" group and one more (if available) to visit just as often.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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Jozie


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IFA....

I Will say for me, This Place ALONG With My F2F Meetings Saved My LIfe... As it is Said, It Only Works If You Work it... I didn't really get that till I Started to Slowly Back away and Miss Meetings, and Like Jerry Stated, I DID Forget what I Learned Very Quickly when I did not give my All to my Program... Now This is not to say that I don't still have Many Many Underlieing Issues that I Still Must Work on Daily... but that is what Makes me Human, and it truly don't matter your Age when you get here, its the Fact that you took that Step to Look for Help.... And That is Exactly what I found here, if willing to Read, and see others journeys as well as Sharing your own... No one Here is trying to judge or Accuse... They are here to share thier Struggles, and Courage, and Strength & Hope and the lessons they learned along there journey..

I thought when I got here that I would just come in... Fix it, and be on my marry way... That isn't the case for me, the People Here are Kind, Loving and Caring and only speak from thier heart, they only see what is shown to them, so they never know the whole story... I have been here going on 3 years this coming year, and when I was down and needed a boost, they were Always here to do so... Not because they had to , but because they wanted to...

My Qualifier was my AFather, My A grandparents, My ABoyfriends, My ASiblings, And ME! I have been around Alcohol and Drugs and addicts my entire Life, and many times prayed to make it stop... NOW... I Pray for Life, and Living and Taking care of me, and Loving my Alcoholics and Addicts but also allowing them to be who they are without bringing my life down... My Largest Qualifier was for sure my Father... It is because he Died from Alcohol and I was in a Very Very Ugly place of Anger and Hatred tord him for leaving me... I Came here and learned if I'm Taking something Personal... it is Because I Missed the Message, they were trying to help me see...

I hope that you do Keep Coming back... because YOU Are Worth it!

Please take what you like and Leave the Rest... Wishing you peace, and happiness...

Friends in Recovery... one day at a time

Jozie

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Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
likemyheart


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Hello Ifa - welcome to the board - I went back and re-read Jerry's post and I don't read arrogant and condescending, nor do I read what he posted as lecturing, just his point of view based on years of his experiences. I've been reading this board for some time and I know that each member brings their own unique point of view and somewhere in it all someone finds value in what is posted by someone else. I have gained greatly by reading here, especially in the archives, searching for topics to see what other's have said. Cheers.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Jozie


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(((((((IFA)))))))

I'm Sorry if that is How you Seen Jerry's Post... I can Say that is Not at All How I read it, but i have known Jerry for over two years now, and He has always been Nothing Short of a Blessing in my recoevery, his Program amazes me... as has alot of people here... I can't say I am Friends with all of us because there are 100's of Us ALL going thru Something that Brought us here... I Have been handed ESH from Many, and I have Cherished the fact that They Took Time out of Their Day to Think enough of me to Respond to my Troubles, and my Triumphs...

Again, I Hope that You Keep Coming Back, this is a Wonderful Family here at MIP .... I Can Only Speak for Me & My Reocevery, but I will Say, I started Here before I Started F2F, and This Place, Got me to the Rooms, and I am Forever Grateful... and that is Why "I" Keep Coming Back... :0) I wish you Nothing Short of Peace & Happiness...

Friends In Recovery

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
Jozie


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((((IFA))))

I'm Sorry to Chuckle but NO it was Not to say you were Insane... That is Just One of the Lines here at MIP & In My Own F2F Groups we Remind ourself of when we are struggling with things that We ALL Repeat Over & Over again.. All of Us have Been There and Done that if we are Honest with ourselves...

"Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".... Helps ME See that If I Keep doing it over & over then the same Results will Keep Happening.. It tells me its time for a Change, and Only I Can Decide what is Right for ME, and When... If You Go back and Read it He Wrote "Our" Definition of Insanity" There are Many, and if it doesn't fit what you are going thru, then Please take what you like and Leave the Rest... No One wants to Offend, Just Help you Grow & Take Care of you...

Recovery is Tough, and I came from a Home were Verbal Abuse was HUGE... you wont find that here... All words are spoking from OUR Experiences, we are just Comparing them to yours to make your feel More at Home and Share Our ESH... If it don't fit. Leave it, and Keep Chargin On :)

Hoping to see ya Back Soon :0)

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
hotrod


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Hi IFA

So glad that you found a small beginners meeting!!! HP works in mysterious ways.

I believe that seeing your friend again, at the meeting was a sign that you are on the right path.

I do remember your past post and that you have been working the tools of the program for several years without attending meetings It is now time to break the isolation, connect in the face to face meetings and continue to grow Remembering to keep the Focus on Yourself"

You Do not have to do this alone.

I also tried to work this program alone and cashed to the ground. It is a we program and I think you are on your way.

Take what you like and leave the rest



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
hotrod


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IFA

I agree with your statement about Online meetings and sharing on line. This forum is a supplement to my alanon meetings and it works for many. It appears that you have found issues with this type of sharing . You feel judged and criticized here but understood at Face to Face Meetings, then I believe the answer is obvious

This is a program of attraction not promotion. If you are not benefiting from this forum I wish you the best of luck on your journey.



-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 11:19:11 PM



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 7th of July 2011 07:56:33 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
freeagain


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Wow ifa, that is a heck of alot of bitter coming out...

I suppose you can interpret what is being said to you any way you want to. That is your choice. Apparently you chose to take it all negatively. You can also chose to see the love with which it is offered and take it postitively. We all have choices as to how we interpret and behave.

As far as your friend relating to your issues with her own experience strength and hope, well, again, I guess you can chose to feel she is being condescending or maybe you could chose to listen to what she did to change her circumstance and either use it in your own life or not.

Not sure what the difference is between being on the internet as opposed to this being a meeting after the meeting but when I am feeling very arugmentive and as if I am being attacked I go back to my 4th step and take my own inventory to see if there may be some things I am willing to change or if I need to make choices that will take my life in a new direction. No one is going to do the hard work for me. And I hate feeling miserable or less than or attacked.



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