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Hi i'm Christine and i'm writing for some advice I hope someone can help me with I really don't know who to speak to about this. I really admire your organisation and think you do a great thing for all those that don't really have other people to discuss about their loved one's drinking problem.
The situation is my Partner of one year had a alcohol problem not major drink everyday but he would abuse alcohol when he was upset. He wouldn't always do anything too bad just when we fought I would like to know do I push him over the edge because we argue a lot and i'm not nice and say mean things when we fight. The 2 times it got bad was first time after we both been to a bar and I left first because he wanted to finish the drinks the guys at the pub got him, when I got home I realised I lost my bank card so I called and messaged him to look in the bar for me to see did I drop it there. There was no response for 2 hours then he called me after I did find my card in the house and said he's finishing a drink and will be right home. He returned another hour later I was upset and told him that because it was suppose to be our night together. He stayed in the sitting room cause he got angry at me for being angry at him then I went to see if he was ok he said yes told me to go upstairs he'd be right up as I was going upstairs I heard a huge bang. He had flipped over the sitting room table and was in fits crying I spent the rest of the night trying to help him calm down he also threw out the Christmas Tree and scattered the decorations everywhere and broke plates. I helped him clean it up and what happened eventually he fell asleep the next morning I begged him not to be hard on himself and for us to pretend nothing happened.
Everything was fine again. 3 months later we had another argument and I told him if he doesn't stop being so cold to me i'd leave he stormed out and came home very drunk a few hours later this time he fell into our room while i was talking to his friend. My partner didn't have any pants on when he fell in and me and our friend tried to carry him to bed but he wouldnt move he spent the next few hours smashing stuff up he broke my laptop and things in our room, knocked over tv in sitting room and then he went outside with a knife and said he will kill himself our friend eventually calmed him down but only after he had to agree to punch my partner like he asked him to.
I'm so sorry to say this about him because he is a great loving person and I know inside he is still the person I fell in love with. We've had a few more alcohol related hiccups since then before he finally agreed to get help he is taking anti depressants now and promised he will get councelling I truely believe him. Up til tonight we were chatting and he told me he will drink again one day it has me very worried and I explained to him why I was concerned he got angry that I brought the past up now im downstairs at 3.40am writing this email because I really don't know what to do. I feel it's my fault and that I should trust him.
I would appreciate any advice or similar situation anyone has been through would really help me cause I don't know much about alcoholism and if i'm doing the right things to help him. Will it be ok for him to drink again one day and can I do anything to stop myself blurting out the past things he did in fights. Sorry for the long messagei'v never really said all this out loud before it's a big relief I got to write this and see it for myself so I know all these things i'm feeling inside isn't coming from nowhere and i'm not going mad and thinking about the past too much it really hurts I can't explain all I want is to be with the guy I fell in love with the guy who wouldn't raise his voice at me.
Christine, I'm so glad you found us on this site. I think the way forward for all of us is to learn all we can about alcoholism, both from reading all the threads on this site, from reading books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and by attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. The situation didn't develop overnight and it can't be solved overnight, but as we learn more about alcoholism and our own reactions to it, we can work miracle with our lives. There will be an Al-Anon number in your local phone book. They say to try six different meetings because they are all different -- find the one that feels most comfortable for you. The people there will totally understand what you've been going through.
Alcoholism pulls everyone around it into insanity, and we tend to lose perspective as well as the alcoholic. So we benefit from working on our own recovery -- the more we change (making our lives better and happier), the more the situation changes, regardless of what the alcoholic decides to do. You may have heard of the Three C's of alcoholism: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. That said, you can make the situation much happier by your own recovery. Many people on these boards can testify to the wonderful changes in their lives. As well as learning about alcoholism, many have gone to meetings, gotten a sponsor, and started working the steps, which are an orderly and helpful way to make their own recovery work.
I'm so sorry you've been going through this. It isn't easy. No one should have to go through it alone. Please keep coming back. Hugs to you.
Welcome here! You have come to the right place. Alanon has helped me by teaching me new tools to live by. I use the slogans to remind me of my new way to live. I still struggle, but I am learning that paying attention to me and what I am doing, learning my part in the mess and focusing on myself is what is helping me to feel better about the situation. You can be here even if you aren't sure if he is an "alcoholic", if his drinking bothers you, you belong here. The book Getting Them Sober helped me, along with courage to change and One day at a time in alanon. I can tell you that going to meetings, talking to people there, getting phone numbers to call and actually calling have helped me so much. I am working on getting a sponsor. Glad you are here, take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Mattie and Youfoundme have offered good information.
I lived with an active alcoholic for 36 years; the last 26 years of this time period was the worst. His disease progressed to the point of insanity on both our parts.
I found Al-Anon meetings just 5 months ago. For me, these meetings, the literature, and this board have saved me. I was a wreck 5 months ago - very sick with a lot of emotional baggage.
I hope you give meetings a try!
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 01:33:31 PM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Well you definitly landed in the right place All of us here share a common problem.... all our lives have been affected by someone elses drinking or drugging ( basically) addiction. Our stories may vary a bit but we all love or have loved an A ( alcholic/addict ). Seems they become addicted to chemicals and we become addicted to them. No one can give you "advice" per se because we have to find the answers/choices that are best for us and those choices maybe different for each of us. The one thing I would strongly encourage is for you to find alanon meeting in your area and start attending and working the program. Personally it saved my life and sanity. Getting educated on this disease is critical, the more you understand how it works the better you can make informed decisions for yourself, and the more you will find healthier coping skills in dealing with this disease. You will also learn how to take care of YOU. Thats what this program is for, to get you healthy and happier. I hear you in your post taking possible respondsibility for your partners drinking. The fact is you just aren't that powerful to make any drink nor powerful enough to make them stop. You can only control your own thoughts, choices or actions. Know that this is a progressive disease, it only gets worse never better unless the person chooses recovery. If he is telling you he is going to drink again believe him, he will seek his own recovery when he hits his own bottom, until then you can pretty much count on more of the same and getting worse. Not all alcholics drink everyday or every week some are binge drinkers. The important thing is it has become a problem for you. So I will urge you again to find and attend Alanon for you, you will then have a support system, get educated and learn a new and healthy way of dealing with this disease. Not many can do this on thier own and the good thing is you don't have to. No one will judge you or the choices you make... which is a pretty rare thing these days. We also have meetings here twice daily you might want to check out and when a meeting is not in progress it is a 24/7 chat room where you can go in and find support. I wish you all the best Blessings
Hugs, you are in the right place. There are 3 C's that have been my mantra as of late, you did not cause his addiction, you cannot cure his addiction, and you cannot control it. All you can do is get yourself to a healthier place and find some peace, hope and love. :) Welcome and just keep on coming back it makes a difference. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
