The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The 4th of July has always been a family day for us. It's one of only two days that my AH closes the bar/restaurant he owns for the day. Since we're now seperated and the kids are all grown and out of the house, he and I had no plans for the day. I called him earlier this week and suggested that we take a ride in the back country and get lunch together. No alcohol, no expectations, other than a plan to just spend the afternoon together.
I soooo much wanted to ask him why he has not chosen to stop drinking and why he will not admit he needs help. But just for today, I just "let go and let God." We talked about our kids, our grandson, and other "safe" topics. It was a peaceful day.
When I said good bye to him and left our home of 23 years (he is living there by himself now), he tried to talk me into staying longer. He then started to get very emotional and weepy. In the past, this is when the manipulation and arguing commences. Instead, I just told him that we needed to "take things slowly" and that I was glad we could spend time together. I told him that I had made plans to meet with friends for dinner and that I would be going home to my apartment after that (he wanted me to come back to our house again later). Although I feel sad that we had to part, I know that I have made great stides in my recovery, even if he has not. My HP continues to show me a path. I feel a sense of serenity tonight.
It works if you work it! Thanks for allowing me to share
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 12:25:32 AM
Hugs and great share!! Having the peace of mind, body, and soul is a great gift. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Wow- The reading for today (July 5th) in One Day at a Time in Alanon confirms my decision to "just detach with love" yesterday and not to lecture. My AH most likely is already feeling guilty about his drinking and me moving out of our home, I don't need to "go there" with him. It would just make him lash out at me to deflect the focus away from him.
The deflection is such an interesting animal, it becomes the rationalization of why things are the way they are. Good for you for knowing he's looking to push buttons.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear Greeneyes. I am so proud of you. I know how it tugs the heartstrings and it would have been so easy to step back into the accusations, arguments and tears. He may yet want it for himself.
I confess, I have been crying over your post. I had hoped that detaching from my children would have gone better. I thought it might be more like yours. These are truly the dark days of my soul.
What a Great Share and It Sounds like you were Def. Living your Program Well... What a Great Way to Spend the Day with No Expectations, No Strings and Just have a Nice Day with someone you Care about, without Judgement or Condemnations... That is GREAT
I have to Really Watch myself around some of the A's in my Life, I have been Easy to Judge them and Boss them in the Past and it has always left me feeling Mean, and Uneasy... It truly is Practice and Good for you for Making Plans After your Relaxing day as to not over do yourself... I think that is Wonderful Recovery at work... Taking Care of You and Setting Boundry's....Good Job...
Friends in Recovery... One Day at a time... PS... I LOVE My Daily Readers... :0) They really help lift me ...And Bring me to the Light of Day
Wish I could share a more positive follow-up on my post, but, alas, I'm involved with an Alcoholic, so it seems things don't always go as you they would. My AH texted me late last night (most likely because he had been drinking and didn't want me to know that) to tell me that he was sad that I had an "exit plan" and that I left him alone for the night without any warning ahead of time. He then texted, "I guess it appears that I should disappear." Huh? How am I supposed to interpret what that might mean?
I just texted back that I "was sorry he felt that way." Ordinarily (pre-Alanon) I would have called him back immediately and tried to have "a rational conversation with an irrational person." (as my sponsor would have said). This time, I just detached and did not make any further contact. I called my sponsor today just to get her take on all of this and it meant so much to me to hear her say, "Wow, you have grown so much in your journey!"
Thanks so much for all of your kinds words and support here on this board.
"It works if you work it..."
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 10:28:26 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 10:29:19 PM
