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I have been going to face to face meetings for about 3 months now consistantly. I am so afraid to speak at the meetings, it is even hard for me to say my name when we are all introducing ourselves. I dont know why I am so afraid. I get so mad at myself after the meetings (i basically bolt out as soon as its over) I want to talk to others and there are a few people that I have heard speak that I want to ask to be my sponser. My negative thoughts continue to come back..."no one really cares how I feel" "no one has time to listen to all my garbage" "why would anyone want to help me?"
I am afraid I will never speak, and I will never move forward in my recovery. I am just one big ball of fear and I am not sure what to do from here.
I hear you and understand the fear and negative self talk that you experience. I too felt that way when I first attended meetings. After a while I began to volunteer to set up chair, be the literature person, be the treasurer, greet new comers, make coffee, anything to make myself feel part of the group. Eventually I felt as if I belonged and then I thought I could start to share
Then I found I could not raise my hand to share. I believe it was pride and childish rebellion but I refused to ask permission to talk !!! It did prevent me from participating . I then searched out meetings that went around the room clock wise for sharing . No hand raising required!!! This was powerful because when it came my turn to share-- it was too uncomfortable not to share and so I began.
I never rehearse what I will say, I listen to what others say, with an open mind and then stay on topic It really works
I'm glad it feels good to say it out loud, dragonfly, because that is progress for you. Don't worry about it. It will come. You will be able to say your name easier, then it will be easier to say a few sentences. Then you will be about to talk at length. Sometimes people will come up to me and say they like what I said and I will say back to them that I don't remember what I said because I just spoke to the topic and asked my HP to put the words in my mouth. I am glad they got something out of it.
By being on a web site like this, you can get your thoughts in order and not be so worried that you aren't "getting it". I know that was what I was worried about....that I would sound like a fool. I know. I know. It was pride. It was ego. But it is what it is.
I have so been there. I was petrified to say anything except the most necessary things when someone spoke to me. The meeting would break up and everyone would be talking to each other and I would be sitting there alone and silent. For me it takes a lot of time to feel comfortable. I think it took two years for me to speak in one meeting (and even then I wasn't real comfortable). It is about fifteen years on and now some of those people are my closest friends. It happened so gradually that I didn't even notice when it finally started.
We're all on our own time line. It sounds as if you think you should be in a different place -- maybe because there are some things you want to say in the group? I'm still fighting that self-judgment. Now I can spot it: "There I am judging myself again." I recognize that self-criticism is a symptom of depression (and also causes depression -- vicious cycle!). It's so hard to remember that on the spot and realize that those things aren't true, they're just my mind getting at me. It gets easier in each situation, though. Good luck with your journey. Hugs.
I was and am the same way as you. I've been going for about 7-8 months and it was only in the last month or so that I felt a bit more comfortable. Just keep going, eventually you get used to the process and everyone gets used to you. Try and get there 5-10 minutes early and folks will chat you up.
I found that for me, sharing was very difficult and still is. I struggled with the same thoughts/ feelings you had. I just felt like I sounded like an idiot and was saying the wrong things. What I found was that a lot of it came from my childhood growing up in an alcoholic home. I was the classic "lost child", the 5th of 5 kids and my needs weren't exactly high on anyone's lists. So to speak out in a room full of strangers about what I was struggling with or what I needed felt very, very uncomfortable. And still does. But less so.
I have been attending meetings (going on the 5th month). I have observed that some members who have attended well over a year or more share very rarely. Give yourself credit for showing up. Honor your style of warming up to a new situation. In time you will get more comfortable and most likely one day you will find yourself sharing.
In the beginning, I shared more than I do now. Some meetings I do not share at all. I find that I have a lot to learn right now, so I listen and observe mostly. I just volunteered to take the secretarial position at my home group. I did this so that it insures I show up each week and also it is my way to give to the group for the time being, especially since I don't share often.
To get to know others better, I stay a few minutes or more after the meeting. I stack chairs and visit with others. Perhaps when your meeting is over, you could go over to someone who shared and tell him/her how much you appreciated what they said. Just a simple statement of appreciation could possibly open the door to a new relationship.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I could've written what you posted, dragonflys. That was me exactly, 3 years ago. I would blush beet red when it just came time to say my name. Forget sharing. I'd try to sit in a place where I didn't think I'd have to share (like, the very end of the second row). If it got close to my turn to share, I'd stop listening to what other people were saying and just freak out about not wanting to have to say anything. I never hung around after either - I am fairly painfully shy and it was REALLY hard. I totally understand where you're coming from.
3 years later, things are really a lot different. It was probably at least 9 months before I'd share anything other than just my name. For a while after that, I'd just say that I was grateful to be there, thank the moderator for the topic, and that would be it. That was all I could manage, and that was progress. I spent my whole life trying not to be noticed for any reason, good or bad. In my family of origin, the only attention was bad attention. I tried to be invisible so I didn't attract any of it. :) While it was an effective coping mechanism for a child in an alcoholic home, it was not particularly effective as an adult. I KNEW that, it was just really hard to get started with changing it. The good thing is, you're not on anyone else's time table. You do it when you feel ready. Nobody will push you, and when you get ready you'll know. Baby steps. The important thing is that you're IN the meeting. Sharing will come with time. No pressure.
As far as the meeting after the meeting, it took me quite a while to be comfortable with that too. My family of origin was not affectionate, and I was not comfortable with people I didn't know trying to give me a hug. I didn't know what to say as far as small talk went, and the whole business was just more uncomfortable than I could take. It's still not completely comfortable (neither is sharing, depending on the day. Sometimes I still don't share). I agree with the previous poster that says she started with a few minutes after the meeting to help stack chairs. I did that too - started with just picking up the step/tradition pages our group hands out at the beginning of the meeting. That way I had a task and was busy doing something other than just standing there uncomfortably. I shook a few hands and said hi for a while, and then a little small "how are ya? oh, i'm fine" kinda conversations. Over time, it got a little easier and a little less stressful.
I didn't have a sponsor for at least a year because I was afraid to ask anyone. I don't think I was so afraid that the person would say no, I was just unable to actually open my mouth and ask the question. It's good that you're thinking in your head of which people may be good sponsors. It may take a while and that's okay. Eventually you'll get to the place where you can take the plunge.
Hang in there. I did, and it's so different than 3 years ago. About 6 months ago, I shared my story at an open AA/Alanon meeting. I spoke for 25 minutes. That was just inconceivable when I first started going to meetings. I didn't think i had anything good to say, first of all, but I didn't want people to look at me or listen to me. Part of my progress in the program is realizing that there may be someone else out there a lot like me that's hurting but unable to say anything.
I have been going to meetings for over ten years and still can get nervous when speaking in front of otheres. I have found the more I speak out the better I feel about myself . It reinforces the truth that I have the right to be heard which I denied myself before going the group.
It did prevent me from participating . I then searched out meetings that went around the room clock wise for sharing . No hand raising required!!! This was powerful because when it came my turn to share-- it was too uncomfortable not to share and so I began.