Welcome IFA :)

Things so easily get jumbled up, figuring out what you need or want. 25 years is a long time to be with someone and to be building hopes and dreams. We all want the idea of the dream relationship and when it doesn't happen it's crushing. The rejection can be crippling. The old tapes play, what's wrong with me, what have I done, what could I do differently, how can I make someone feel the way I do about them. Why am I so unlovable? Co-dependents force things/situations to happen instead of allowing them to flow naturally. I look back on past relationships (I'm currently working on patterns I play out) and wonder if I would have even had the relationship to begin with had I been in a healthier place. Hind sight is 20/20.

Welcome I hope you can find a meeting if not keep coming back to MIP it's a wonderful supportive place. :)

P :)

ythannah wrote:

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Hi and welcome, ifa!

I just wanted to say that I too used to get involved with non-drinkers, thinking they'd be "perfect". Or at least perfect for me, as the adult child of alcoholic parents.  Wrong.  As it turned out, they had actually had problems with drinking in the past but had recognized that and stopped, leaving the "alcoholic personality" intact, so the relationships were still unhealthy.

Nor do I know what a "normal" relationship looks like.  That's part of the reason that I've accepted unhealthy relationships in the past, the other part being that I didn't think I was worthy of anything better.  My family of origin certainly didn't model a functional relationship and the Hollywood portrayal of relationships is no more accurate.  I go back and forth between telling myself "I deserve better" and "I'm being too idealistic".

Slowly, slowly, with meetings and reading, I'm starting to make sense of it all.

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Oh yes I alternate between feeling angry that he doesn't treat me better, and thinking maybe I expect too much. I cannot make sense of it. I often think that he is my true love, although he has never been as sure as I have, and that I should stick with it no matter what. When ended the relationship (for the hundredth time) the other day, we were both in bad moods. I forgot to pray before speaking, and that always leads to grief for me. I didn't say anything angry or mean, but I just wasn't really there. I let the conversation go bad, and it could have gone well. He wanted to tell me how bad he was feeling about his own life, unrelated to me. I should have paid attention and been there for him. Instead, I kept turning it around to me. He hates that, with good reason.

Yes I doubt myself all the time. I am not a strong person, unfortunately. My years of recovery helped me greatly, but I slide back all the time. 

Now I want my HP to give me another chance, and have it not be over. But I don't know what my HP has planned for me. I have to keep saying Thy will be done. But I want my qualifier to give me another chance. Partly because I can't stand the grief, and partly because I feel I once again made a mistake.

I know I am human and can't be perfect, and it's awfully hard knowing what to say to a person who is so miserable as my qualifier was the other day. I forgot to empathize, and that was a mistake.

I always see more than one side of things, and that makes any decision very hard. Most people say if a relationship causes you grief just get out of it. But I can't see it as that simple. If you really love someone, you shouldn't just drop them because they are sick and unhappy.

On the other hand, I suppose I am a co-dependent. I probably could have had much less grief in my life if only I had figured out how to not be co-dependent. I spent at least 10 years going to alanon meetings, but I guess it wasn't enough. I knew I didn't know it all, and I know you never graduate.

I am so confused and can't figure this out, will try to go to meetings and will pray a lot. I am feeling like I would do anything at all to stay with my qualifier. I am making him my God, and that is of course not going to lead me anywhere good. 

There is only one person who has ever really helped me in my life, and that is my HP. He is always there for me, but I just keep forgetting. Help me HP I feel like I'm dying.

 

 

 

Debilyn wrote:

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My first thought was, "I wonder what she feels she gets from him?"

Is it just that she connects to someone?

Is it she lives for when he is nice?

Is she afraid to be with out a man in her life?

What does he fulfill?

Does she really like him?

Its funny hon when I think about my friends who are all with their first husband, like 35 years, they are not addicted to them.

The like each other, they are friends, they never attack each other, but just the issue. They would NEVER want to hurt the other one.

They are fine alone, in face they like some space. They don't give it a second though that he would cheat. One friend says,wow I get the whole bed and can have peanut butter sandwiches for dinner! lol

They all laugh a lot, care, do stuff together, do stuff for each other.

I had that with my exAH until he had the brain surgery and the destruction got worse and worse. I was the happiest I had ever been. Was so so so horrible to lose it.

puts me in a place of needing it,wanting it, being so afraid to have it and lose it again. (first husband died)

I have no one I am that close to now. No one I tell everything or feel a huge connection. My friends have their husbands. I am important to them but not like your mate/best friend.

ugh. Hon I find my life better alone with out that pain of a sick relationship. I really do.

Would I like a healthy relationship. you bet and I depend on Hp to get me there.

Of course there are hard times in a normal relationship, their are hard times living without one. eigher way, its better than being abused by another person. I consider how yours treats you, abuse.

I won't put up with any abuse from anyone anywhere. Even in discussions on Craigslist. If someone tries and they do, I always say, I attack the issue not a person. or I stick to the issue,not a person....

I must be likeable as every animal and kid on earth likes me....including slugs...

lol Hon I fill my life with love. flowers, good soil, happy animals, great friends, good movies,good books, my HP is number one always,People who are nice to me,don't tell me what to do, don't argue.

I love to help others, learned to let others help me. I think ok whats the most loving way to handle this.

If he has another girl, that is his problem. If he doesn't want me, does not respect me, then there is the door.

I trust my intuition. If you really look people will show their true colors, their hearts.

Its important to live for ourselves.Al Anon teaches us how. NO it is not selfish at all. I believe happiness comes from helping others.

great share! Like to see ya more! Huggen ya,debilyn

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 I love my qualifier, he can be very nice and loving. But I always had a hard time getting along with him. But maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am effed up in some way that I don't understand and maybe I could not get along with any man. Maybe my qualifier rejects me because I am hard to get along with. I honestly don't know. Maybe I was lucky to have anyone love me at all and never will again. I do not know. 

My relationship with my qualifier has been good sometimes and bad sometimes. I don't know how it compares to other relationships. I don't know what other people are like in private. I feel very very close to my qualifier, love him intensely. I also feel he is a difficult person. Or maybe I am. How can I know? 

I tried not to make him mad because then he rejects me and I can't stand it. But I made him mad the other day. 

Maybe I don't respect myself, but maybe that's because I am effed up in some way and can't figure it out. 

All I do is try to depend on my HP. I can't figure any of this out myself. I can't figure out what other people's relationships are like or what is normal. I don't see it because I am not in their house.

jamfu wrote:

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me being a young lad of 31, i can tell you love ripens a relationship. I can honestly say I was a lot like the man you are describing. Maybe for good reason to protect myself. I woke up one day and realized that I was not in love. although I cared for her It wasnt love. Can you ask yourself If you are lonely? I was , and I found an alcoholic. Are you happy?

 

I went to a beginner's meeting tonight and it was very nice. I had not been to any meetings in years, and I really miss them. A forum like this is nothing like a real meeting. Here, some people try to make you feel bad when you're already feel terrible. 

I believe my qualifier really loves me, did not suddenly wake up to find he doesn't, as you suggest. You really cannot possibly know based on your own experience what he feels for me. Pure speculation. No one at the meeting tonight said things like that.

Glad you have returned to meetings, I am sure you will find love and support that you need right now.
I am married 28 yrs neither of us alcholics or addicts but my husband and I were both raised with the disease, vowing to "break the cylce" we moved when our children were young and they weren't exposed to the daily drama and trauma of addiction. But we never thought to seek help for ourselves for the way we were raised and our dysfuctional thinking or coping skills. So we passed those along to our children. Not until our son became an A did I find my way to alanon (Thank God).
My husband and I have a very good relationship..... I don't know what normal is to be truthful. I only know what works for us. First and foremost I think we actually "like" each other. That being said we have never felt the need to intentionaly to be hurtful to each other or be mean to one another. People will describe a perfect or normal relationship as each partner puts in 50/50. I don't find it works that way. One or the other is usually handling more than thier 50% at any given time depending on what is happening with the other partner. I was diagonsed with PTSD and for 2 yrs went into a most severe depression an severe anxiety. I became agoraphobic. Certainly no one would have blamed my husband if he during that time just washed his hands of me or left me even I wouldn't have blamed him. But he didn't, he did his best to hold things together.
The only thing that put us in separate corners was our sons addiction and how to handle it. It was the hugest strain we have ever been tested with during our relationship. It took a good long while for the two of us to get on the same page and that was after I had a couple of yrs of alanon under our belt.
Really the test of a relationship in my eyes is not how you handle the good times those are easy, it's how you get thru the hard times that brings you together ( this is just my opinion ).
It sounds ( again just my opinion ) that your partner may be very depressed. And I know when I went thru my depression I hurt a lot of people by my actions. I pushed people out of my life except those who refused to be pushed out like my husband and family and I still hurt them by not communicating. It was never my intention to hurt anyone but that is of little solace to me now. I have a lot of amends to make in regards to my behavior. I still am horrified at my own actions and inactions. Your partner may feel the same. He may not feel worthy of being loved so he pushes it away. It is not anything you did.
I think you are doing a great job in still doing your own thing, going out having fun. Pls keep doing that
I wish you the best in recovery you deserve it!
Blessings