Selfhishness - Al-Anon Family Group

mcbgrad · Newbie

Selfhishness

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a hard place to be for you.

They do need to concentrate on themselves, addiction is a very real,horrible disease. She is VERY sick.

Selfishness,lying, manipulating are all symptoms of addiction. She is having to make her life completely over. 3 months is nothing, a year they are at the start point and may be able to live their recovery plan. No one is the same.

This is what makes us need Al Anon. We learn to fulfill ourselves the best as we can.If she were going thru chemo would you expect her to be able to give?

They are learning a whole new path in recovery. All aspects need help, spiritual, emotional and physical! they are totally off balance.

Plus they are the maturity age of when they started using.

Al anon will help you find out what you really want,what you can live with. No it is not sh**. It is real, its facts, it is no game hon.She is sick. She has no control over that. AA we hope will save her life. With you both in 12 step programs your relationship will have a much better chance.

Getting Them Sober, volume one by toby rice drew is a great way to help you understand.

What we do when we get mad, upset that our needs do not get met, is not unlike asking her to walk after she has broken both legs and they are casted!

She is broken in all those 4 major parts of a humans life She has to figure out who she is, how to find her.

Outside of her what are you into? My thing was always animals. Ran an animal rescue, rehab and sanctuary. I love plants, I read.

When my AH was quitting smoking yikes no fun...I would just sit close to him and be glad he was there if only in body.

When he had a tough time, I honestly just was happy to look at him Be his best friend when all he could do for me was be there.

I learned thru Al Anon and him not to have any expectations, take one day at a time. Take the time I had as precious.

They are very sick people. It is not cureable. I am very impressed with her taking this on.

Think about this, men and women who are addicts will choose their drug over sex. That is HUGE for many people, I would say especially men.They will choose their drug over their children!

It is that powerful of an affliction. its hard for non addicts to imagine. I wake up and look outside to see if it is raining.(I live in Oregon lol) I get attacked by my dogs, the squirrel is chirping LOUD for its bf, birds are hollering.I wonder who emailed me.

they wake up every time wanting their drug. everytime. Its is number one, do i have the money, a way to go get it, where can I use it in peace, I use it, then even if I have 3 bottles, I am thinking ok how do I get more, where will I get the money.....and on and on.

They have to learn to open their eyes and say, today I choose not to use. today I will......they need to develop a new routine, learn to understand how to live as a non user. they are like a newborn baby hon.

Meetings for you would be great. on the bottom of my share here there is a site and number to help you find one in your area.

We are also always ready to support you. Its super hard on you also! Al Anon people are the BEST. We relate, we share, we complain together. We vent, we laugh, we share soooo many things from slugs to the ugliest dog!

Its a family hon. If you honestly love her we can share what got us thru. And we can share how to let go if we need to move on.

We want you to come back. You have a miracle coming, don't miss it.

Hugs and love, debilyn

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MCB,

I want to welcome you to MIP. I am so glad you are here. For me things got monumentally better when I began attending face to face meetings of Alanon. I got so much support and understanding from the members there that were going through the same difficulties as me.

I dont know what it like when a loved one goes into recovery. However, I do know how my life has changed as a result of staying in the rooms of Alanon and working the steps with a sponsor. When I first heard the five G's....Get off their back, Get out of their way, Get on with your life, Get to meetings, and Give it to God, that was a moment for me. When I got busy in the Alanon program I got better. My relationship with my AH is stronger than ever as a result of working the program. I do so hope you will consider trying six or more alanon meetings to see whether or not it is for you.

In my home group we have a closing to our meeting that goes something like this: We're not perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. Though you may not like all of us, you will come to love us in a very special way.

Thanks for sharing today. Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, there is hope. It's going to change a lot and both of you will be different. Not sure if that means you will be compatible later but I can just tell you my experience in AA. It took about a year or more to start fitting in with regular society again. I needed to eat, sleep, breath, and crap AA for a good year and a half to build a solid AA foundation. I would hang in there and give her some space to go gangbuster AA for a while. It truly is going to save her life. For this year, she is really only learning to live without drinking. In her second year she will learn about her character defects more and how she mistreated others and how she can be a better person. This is ONLY if she works the program and the steps and stays sober.

So I guess what I am saying is that this is going to take a long time.... If she could verbalize it she might say "AA is the only thing teaching me how to live right now, so that is all I can do." That's where I was at for the first year and a half. I didn't realize at the time how fragile and also how self aborbed I was.

Hang in there (but only with the knowledge that recovery takes time and this self-absorbed phase she is in might last a while).

In support,

Mark

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

Hi Mcbgrad,

I'm walking in your shoes right now and I know exactly how you feel. My wife is just over 13 months sober and I have posted very similar messages on this board over the last few months and I still do come on here to deal with my emotions when i am spinning out. I commend you for coming here and laying down what is going on with you. I want you to know there is hope out there but it comes from focusing on you, not her. I know when I first heard that at a meeting I thought it was a load of horseshit because I wasn't the one acting like a horse's ass. I thought "It's not me with the addiction, it's her so why do I need to focus on me?" In alanon I found that that focusing on me was the only way for me to help her in her attempt at getting healthy. I can say by attending alanon and working with a sponsor on my behavior I have become more at ease with dealing my alcoholic wife's behavior and things are getting better. She is getting better too but we have ups and downs and some of them are major. We are much closer than we were a year ago, though not as close as I'd like to be, and our home is a lot more peaceful for our kids. I still get lonely but not as often and I feel a whole lot better about myself in all areas, not just my relationship with her. Private message me if you want to talk specifics.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mcbgrad...what you are experiencing is typical alcoholic/addict personality. You have already received the ESH of others about attending Al-Anon for the friends, family and associates of Alcoholics. You'll find the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call get the times and places we meet and come join us. If she was drinking before you met this might be a longer haul for you because she might have had a longer relationship with alcohol and alcoholic, people, places and things that your relationship with her. That is from my experience so I married into the dysfunction and never reached even 2nd best status in her life. Al-Anon is for you and not about her...so call and go and welcome to MIP. There is much help and support and love here (((((hugs))))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Mcbgrad,

You are so in the right place, it does get better and I really can't add more than what others have added about you need to put the focus on you. When things went very south with my A we wound up in counseling and I got a large kick in the butt, it was actually what I needed to hear, although I did not welcome the comments for another 4 months, looking back it's funny how our HP's can speak to so differently to each of us. I'm blunt and to the point .. lol .. pretty much that's usually what I get. Her comments moved me to check alanon out again, although I admit I was going to prove how wrong she was and make another appointment with her to let her know just that .. lol .. after that first meeting I have not looked back or regretted my decision. I hope you are able to find a f2f meeting some point soon and please continue to share and just keep coming back. Alanon is for you and about you. Hugs :)

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

You've already received excellent responses.

The only way I can keep sane is attend weekly meetings, read Al-Anon literature, nurture my relationship to my HP and keep the focus on me. He is attending 2 meetings per day and meets with other AA members after meetings. I give him all the space he needs.

One way we have carved a little time out for us is to awake early in the morning to go for a 3-mile walk. That's about the only time we communicate because he is gone. He's sober and establishing a program for himself. It's priceless to observe.

I'm staying out of his path and never speak the words, "You should....."

It'll get better for you! attend as many f2f meetings as possible/need.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 2nd of July 2011 09:14:19 PM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Those on early recovery are selfish, they are totally self engrossed in not only learning new coping skills and behavior but also fighting off those urges to go back to drinking and drugs. they are truly in a fight for thier lives.
Just like our program where here we put ourselves first ( which some see as selfish ) working our steps. going to meetings etc it is a process for them as it is for us to "change" none of us got here overnite and no one is going to be cured overnight. In fact it is a life long process. But it does change, I have seen it as they work thier steps and become more confident in thier sobriety.
Blessings in your recovery

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

MCB,

There is a reading in our Alanon literature that really is spot on. It is from One Day At A Time, August 12th, pp 225.

An excerpt from it reads:

"It is difficult to overcome the habit of setting standards for our spouses, and expecting them to be followed. Unfortunately, this may continue even after the alcoholic is sober in AA. We figure out what the results of his (her) sobriety should be, in changed attitudes and behavior and, when things don't work out the way we expect, we're frustrated and angry."

The rest of the reading is pretty powerful. I hope this helps.

In support, Tommye

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.