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I have figured out because there has never been a healthy relationship between my Ason and me his mother it has really been an obsessive type of relationship, me obsessing about his drinking and livelihood. Now after 13 years I am doing the Alanon program and have detached from him mentally and geographically. So now there is a big void in my life, where there should be some kind of passion for life. But all those years I have not been taking care of myself. What a big mistake. So now, very sadly there is not a relationship between my son and I.
It seemed to be an "all take" situation. What may have to happen now is that we would development some sort of closeness as mother and son, but since I never hear from him anymore I guess that is kinda impossible. What a crying shame I had no idea what was going on all these years "ignorance and denial" and no tools to work with. So here I sit having to start a new life, which is not bad, but if you never knew who you were or are, you are pretty much starting from ground zero. How do you figure out what your passions are? I am grateful I am not in debt and have a good job. Thanks for listening, and if you have any wisdom, experience to share I would really listen. Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I feel like I got a better understanding for what my passion is after I started working the steps with a sponsor. When I was new in the program, I really was numb much like you described. I turned to the outside world to fill up that void. I kept listening to favorite bands that I really enjoyed but I had no connection to it. Nothing felt like fun and I felt that joy was completely absent in my life.
What gives me joy today is working with newcomers in the program. I met with a new sponsee yesterday for lunch to discuss starting the steps. I feel so fortunate to be working with three newbies and two long time sponsees in the program who trust me to guide them on their journey of recovery. When I left I felt like a million bucks and thanked my HP for being of service.
I have found a renewed joy and depth in the relationships with my family. In particular, my small children teach me at times what is important, how to play, and how to have a sense of humor in all situations.
The steps were integral for me to go through the process of uncovering, discovering and discarding the parts of my life that bore no usefulness to me, my HP, or others. I am grateful for the insight and clarity for which the process has given me so I can pass it on to others.
Redefining yourself is really scary at first, but then it sort of starts becoming exciting. Take some positive risks and see how it goes. It's all going to be trial and error. Some of what you are going through is a normal sort of "empty nest" thing, but it sounds exacerbated because of your son's alcoholism and having taken care of him longer than an ordinary child.
It is soooo easy to get lost, something I have stated in past posts is remembering things I enjoy and actually discovering new things about myself. I became so enmeshed between my children as well as my AH that there was nothing left for me. The only difference that I can make is taking things literally one day at a time and finding out what I feel and/or think about something, what I liked, as silly as this sounds I couldn't tell you what I wanted for my next meal unless I was cooking for the family. Seeing the emptiness right now only means that you are healing and feeling that void is ok. What do you want to do about it is another question. The only answer is finding out those things for yourself. Hugs it's an exciting time to find out who you are and what you like. Congrats on your continuing self discovery :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You post very much touched me as I am a mother of an addict. On top of that I was diagnosed with PTSD yrs ago and had a couple of years of severe deep depression and anxiety, to the point I lost my dream job and my family dynamic totally fell apart. I pushed everyone out of my life, am gratful that my husband stood by my side and was supportive. I finally found my way to alanon and with the great people here and working the program I did manage to get my life back to a certain extent. Although I didn't make any geograpical changes and I still have contact with my son I am also at the point where I have to learn who I was meant to be and not the person I was. And it is hard. I have to look at my old friends and ask myself that today after working recovery would i still pick this person as a friend and many times the answer is NO. I was sick and I tended to hang out with equally sick or unrecovered people. I don't know what the answers are... I am middle aged and wondering how to make a friend and if I think about it on a bad day i find myself patheic. On a good day I stay busy, still deal with an addicted son who is happy to have coversations with me, but they are fruitless really. Somedays it is just better that we sit in quite in the same room with no conversation but each of us reading a book or watching TV. My heart goes out to you Blessings in recovery
Thanks for the input, the geographical move is that my Ason is no longer at my house, but is down the road a few miles in a tent. Don't really know how a Mom relates to her son, usually there are grandkids. This disease is truly from hell, it has damaged any type of relationship I should have had with my son (nurturing, cheering on the sign lines). I am by myself now and have had time to step back and have some perspective. But wanted to ask what is anyone's interpretation of "starting over" what does that really mean? Maybe what would be more appropriate would be for me to "Get a Life"! Reading the book by Melonie Beatty "The New Codependence has helped me a lot, there is some great info on understanding "obsession". Because there is a common disease between all of us, there is an openness and candidness that is very real and I really appreciate that. Gratefully yours Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
As an adult/child of a very bizarre childhood as far as roles go. My mom wasn't an alcoholic however she was and is def addicted to drama and chaos, nothing was ever peaceful and nothing was ever normal or semi normal. Her relationships, she gets credit for not bringing in men to the house left and right as a single mom, the choices in men were crazy. I remember her throwing herself and grabbing onto their legs as she was drug on the floor and they walked out the door. My fav that still will burn bright in my mind is when she threw herself on her future ex AH's car because he "said it was over". In some ways I had a unique childhood (I did a lot of cool things, I consider myself pretty cultured and savvy) in other ways I was grown by the time I was 8. What I've had to come to terms with as an adult is she is never going to be the parent I felt I deserved as a kid. The nice thing is now that I'm an adult I have more power in choices I can make and I no longer feel responsible for her choices. My point is this your son, even though he's an addict is an adult. Whatever happened in the past, what you did or didn't do as a parent is over. Once he turned 18, he is responsible for himself. I have said before that if I was able to invent a machine and go back and right the wrongs of my childhood then I would do so in a heartbeat and I'd be rich too boot. :) It's just not going to happen. The other thing I have learned as an adult like it or not my mother did the best that she could. We will never have a "normal" mother/daughter relationship there is a lot of water under the bridge. I can have an adult/ adult relationship, very honestly she's not someone I would choose to be friends with, because her life is draining to me and I have my own children now to take care of and she is a grown up of her own accord. I certainly call, check in, I no longer ask how are you, .. lol .. it's turned into how are things going. If she wants to moan and groan, truthfully, this will sound colder than I really mean, however she has friends, good friends she can call and do that with, I can't deal.
As odd as this will sound and I hope I communicate it well enough, I am responsible for my kids however they are not responsible for me. Once they turn 18, I will love them dearly they will always be my babies no matter what. They aren't getting the heave ho at that age, my point is I'm not one to live in the guilt of what might have been, it's done and over. No one gets the parents of their dreams unless they happened to be lucky enough to be born into the Norman Rockwell like family and I personally don't know any of those. Again, I can only do the best that I can do with the tools that I have learned, some I have to learn as I go so I have a lot of hits and misses.
You have done the best you can for your child. He is an addict. Unless you did something horrific to him by strapping him down to a table and forcing him to drink, drugs you name it, you are not responsible for his choices. He is an adult now. Yes, you may miss out in some ways on things in your life. There is no guarantee I will have grandchildren, but I can tell you my kids have many honorary grandparents who don't have grandchildren of their own, ditto on the aunts and uncle kind of thing. You might not fulfill your role as a grandparent in a traditional sense of the world, there is a lot of opportunity for you to experience similar situations. So you haven't missed out unless you choose to.
I've cracked open M. Beatty's Co Dependent No More, I have forgotten the wealth of information in that book and it has helped me so much within the 12 steps. I'm remembering many things I paid for in therapy .. lol. I also have the book you mentioned .. LOL .. nothing like a little light reading to pass the evenings.
Starting over to me means letting go of the past, not white washing it, it's owning it, the part about reconciling I'm not so good about, and moving forward. I don't look at so much of starting over as much as I do moving forward and choosing not to be stuck in a past that is just so not working for me.
It's literally easier some days than others, my butt gets glued to the pity pot and I think "what if", "could have", "would have", "should have" and think oh bother at myself and unless I'm there to do some business it's time for me to get off the pity pot.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear Oldergal, am I right in supposing that the recent changes you have made in relationship to your son are rather monumental for you? On the assumption that this is true,I make the folliwing commentary:
From my own experience, and borne witness by many others, when one makes a deep change in their existence there is often a sort of grieving process for the loss of the "old self" or the old way of being. Mostly this is not conscious because when we make changes--especially ones that are supposed to be positive, we assume that only good and happy feelings will follow.
It requires some trust and patience to adjust to the newness. Literally, time.
I actually remember "grifeving" my loss of childhood when it occured to me that in a few months i would be turning 13yrs. old. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know what was happening. I was stunned by the new awareness that things would not always be the same. I realized that my grandma would someday not be there and that I wouldn't always be able to skip down a dusty road barefoot to run some errand. That sort of thing. The same kind of thing has happened whenever i have made any monumental life changes.
I have found that the best thing to help the transition is to challenge myself. Setting some new goals--from the tiniest to big ones. Doing something that up to now has been "unthinkable". That will stir your pot up. (LOL).
I have a sneaking suspicion that you are yearning for more closeness in your life. We all need intimate connections. If I am wrong---please disregard this.
Dear oldergal, I offer this up in the hopes that some of it might be of help. I sure would like to see you eventually get the zing back in your groove.
I went through a profound period of grief when my son left. (I asked him to go and he left with a pack on his back...... with nowhere to go)
I thought I was fine.
I wasn't fine, I was grief stricken.
I worked through a lot of this at my f2f meetings, took it slow, and worked at nurturing myself, that's all I could do
I'm a work in progress, I'm beginning to get my mojo back. Yes I'm a different person, I live with an immovable underlying sadness, but I'm picking up the threads of MY life, and it's good!
I love this saying...........Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present. I have the gift of recovery every day in my life if I choose it and, just for today....I do. I just keep it simple, live in the moment. I have much in my life to be grateful for.
You'll get there, minute at a time, day at a time, you'll get there.
Otie