My husband (separated)'s mother just found out she has cancer/he is in jail - Al-Anon Family Group

dotmeg · Newbie

My husband (separated)'s mother just found out she has cancer/he is in jail

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

You said his Mother doesn't care to see him and you fear he will return to drugs.
If I were in your position I would step back and get out of the way of HP and the people involved. That's just way too much drama to get enmeshed in and take on.

I'm sorry about your MIL's diagnosis. You didn't mention what type or how advanced her condition is. ...Unless her cancer is very advanced it's not necessarily termianal. Honestly, because someone has been diagnosed with an illness is not cause for early release. If she was totally dependent on his care, maybe, but that's not the case here.

-- Edited by Christy on Friday 1st of July 2011 11:01:33 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope I got this straight.

Have you talked to mil yet? No matter what she needs your love and help. It would be nice if everyone cleaned her house, got her what foods sound good. Get her comfy new lounging cloths. I don't know what kind she has but in all my experience, get rid of all throw rugs.Sorry off subject...

This is my experience. She may not know really what she wants. I learned when someone is this ill, they may not be thinking straight. My dad did not want me to go see him. I wish I had now. I didn't know then he was dying.

As far as the son, it is totally up to him. I know here in Oregon they have counselors to go to. If he chooses to get out early he can go to the counselor and see if arrangements can be made. In my experience, I believe in totally leaving it up to them. They can ask questions to find out just like the rest of us.

I don't know the dynamics of the family,how close you are to your mil or ?

Husband maybe needs you to be supportive of him. He really needs you now. In my head I am thinking that I would be more concerned in making mom as happy and comfy as I could for however long she has.

I refused to allow my mother want for anything. I loved spoiling her. She would never wear Sweats outfits, even pretty ones. But I got her some nice pink ones and she agreed to try, she loved them. ha! Nothing tasted good but mexican food....She was concerned about the calories in ice cream. Oh brother. I told her if any time is the time to pig out on ice cream it was NOW.

My love goes out to all of you. It is a very emotional time. I found the best thing to do is just do my part.

ugh hard stuff honey. LOVE Is all that matters, debilyn

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry to hear about this situation.

Al-Anon teaches us that it is healthiest for us and others to stay on our own side of the street. I can see that this is a very emotional situation. It is those situations where it is often most important to keep to our own side of the street.

As I understand it, your H's mother has cancer but does not want things to change because of the diagnosis. He is in jail and she wants him to stay there as he is scheduled to do. She could have visited him but has chosen not to, and could still visit him but so far has chosen not to. It sounds as if she wants distance between herself and him. Even if he were out of jail, it doesn't sound certain that she would want to be around him much. He may feel that if he were out of jail, she would relent and see him, but it doesn't sound certain that that's the case.

So the two of them want different things. That is certainly no one's problem to solve except the two of them. She wants what she wants, which she is entitled to do. And some would say that the person with the illness should have extra consideration in her desires.

I don't know how serious or advanced her illness is, but it is very possible that she will be around long after August. That will mean that all this turmoil is for nought.

It sounds as if there is a great deal of drama going on. Drama makes everyone stressed but excited, and sometimes the drama itself can be addicting.

I think backing off from the drama might be the most helpful thing for everyone. Your most important job is to take care of yourself. Hugs.

DreamXL · Senior Member

Hi, I am sorry your going thru such a trying time. I think allowing everyone the dignity of their own choices and the consequences of their choices is probably the best road to take. We dont live in someone elses head and what decisions they make they have to live with. Prayers your way in such trying times, blessings!!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie wrote:
I'm sorry to hear about this situation.
I think backing off from the drama might be the most helpful thing for everyone. Your most important job is to take care of yourself. Hugs.

This is well put. There are times that no matter how much pain we see in someone else's life they need to be where they are at and they feel the way they do. Someone else's life lesson is not ours to live.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Very sorry for your situation.
I would have to agree with those above who said for you to take a step back and step away from the situation and let the family handle it in the way they choose.
I hear you are worried that your ex will turn to drugs weather he is allowed to see his mother or not. While this is a tragic event in his life please remember no one can make your ex do something he isn't likely to do anyway. There is always an excuse.
When my mother was dying, my brother happened to be in rehab. He asked to leave rehab for just Easter sunday to spend it with our mother and while technically he was free to go anytime they told him if he left for the day not to bother coming back, he would be kicked out of the program. My mother was very sick and she also did not want him to leave rehab even just for the day because in her mind as long as he was in rehab he was safe and sober which is all she wanted for him. She did not want the drama of a possible relapse on his part and frankly she didn't need it at that time. He did get out of rehab before her death and he helped us take care of her and stayed sober because he did not want her to die worrying about him. He did not relapse after her death, it took a couple of yrs where he slid back from time to time until he finally married and had a son 13 yrs ago. Unfortunatly he was still killed by this disease and recently passed.
Sorry that was all pretty much irrevalant to your situation. I would ask you to step out of God's way and let his will be done.
Wishing you the best in recovery
blessings

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would definitely step back. The issue is for you to talk to your sponsor and figure out where all this guilt is coming from for a situation that you did not cause, can't control, cannot cure, can't change, and cannot predict. Your husband got himself in jail. He has a debt to pay to society and the judge determined that. Not saying your husband is Charles Manson or anything, but would you want all conficted felons let out early when their parents die? Yes, it's sad, but when you break the law and get convicted, you forfeit some of you rights. If you continue to enable him you are robbing him of his rock bottom. Maybe he might think about how crappy it felt to be locked in jail when his mom was sick before he commits crimes and uses drugs again.

You say he is really mad at you right now. In essense, you are feeling guilty for not being able to let out a convicted criminal who you are separated from who treated you badly and is also angry at you and not seeing their own part in any of this mess. That is insane. NOTE: I am not calling you insane. I am calling this disease insane. The disease being his addiction AND YOUR response to it.

So if you want to look at this situation via the steps: You have insanity in your life because of not handing things you are powerless over to your higher power (steps 1, 2, and 3). This repetitive pattern of maladaptively responding to your husband and maybe others is going to continue until you work those steps and steps 4 through 9.

Dotmeg, please don't think I am judging you in any of this. It has got to be very hard to go through a separation, have your MIL sick, and to then have your husband (someone you still care about I'm sure) be in jail and having all these problems. All I am saying is what I believe the program and the steps have to offer you in terms of focusing on you and changing so that you don't have to feel so sad, helpless, and like you are living in chaos.

Go to meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor, and work the alanon program as best you can. That is the best suggestion I have to offer.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.