The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am amazed that I can cope well for long periods of time with my A, and then all my skills and strengths just fall away. I'm in the unable to cope mode for the last two weeks. It was two weekends ago where she lied to me again, and last weekend she drank again. I'm the one who is supposed to change because I know I have no control over her lol. I obsessively go over and over the talk I need to have with her, until I try and come to my senses. I have had probably several hundred talks with her over the last 20 yrs, and guess what? None of them have helped except for a brief attempt by her to try. One of the things that makes me the most angry is that she has an illness she could get help for, but is in denial that her drinking, eating, & lying are problems. She could get help but doesn't want it, or see a need for it. Long weekend ahead. It's so sad to have lost the thrill to be with her. I just wait for the next shoe to drop. Stuck in this rut, Lyne
When I get to that point or I have my "urges", I have had to stop and figure out what is going on in my own little world that has nothing to do with anything or anyone else except me. Maybe I need a recharge because my coping skills have reached their limit. Define what helps me cope, a meeting, reading some books, alanon lit whatever. Maybe I need some time away, which would mean doing something for me. A walk, lunch with a friend, whatever. I still am not brave enough to pick up the phone and call so I have been coming here and just getting it out typing and reading what I have written sometimes does the trick. We have spent many years in finding destructive ways to cope with an unreasonable situation, so while I may track well for a day, maybe days, maybe weeks and even months boom, there it is all over the place.
Hugs this will pass :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Can very much relate to your frustration. My story is a little different as it is our son that is an A. And we have had hundreds of "conversations" to no avail, we always ended up disappointed over and over. Then an old-timer told me 'Talking to an A is like talking to a Stop Sign". They aren't hearing you, they aren't interested in your advice or recovery until they hit thier own bottom and they are basically saying STOP. Now when I talk to my son I picture the word "unrecovered" on his forehead that way i know not to expect him to follow any of my advice and as long as he stays unrecovered I can expect him to lie everytime he opens his mouth. I have learned not to take it personally anymore, it is how this disease protects itself and after a while they believe thier own lies. I now believe what i actually see and feel not what i am being told. I always keep hope alive that he finds his recovery but I no longer expect it. I don't expect him to act as anything else but what he is and thats an addict. That way I don't get angry or have the highs and lows of of disappointments. I love my son unconditionally no matter what he does or who he is, but now i can separate my son ( whom I love ) from the disease ( which I hate ). I know he loves us as much as his disease will allow it and he yearns for love from others. I don't believe there is anything wrong with loving an A. They are as deserving of love and compassion as anyone else, but it was almost impossble for me to show him that love until I found this program and learned healthy ways of coping with this disease. Blessings
Aloha Lynne...I came to understand this as "bouncing off my bottom". Imagine being 225 pounds and bouncing on the concrete. No a good picture. Even the perception of it gave me bruises!! Then I was given an ESH miracle and a method of perceiving it and methods, from others on how to practice it all my affairs and then other principles and awarenesses that were attached to it that helped me hit the bottom I needed without bounce except to get to my feet finally and stand straight up with a smile.
The ESH that finally helped came from an alcoholic share from the Big Book of AA on page 449 of the 3rd Edition. "...and I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" a Doctor Paul story and that was rocket science for me at that time. The slogans and the first three steps of recognizing I was powerless yet had a power greater than myself I could surrender myself to instead of the disease and my alcoholic/addict all started to connect and naturally the lessons on "detachment" came next...handed to me by my HP using the membership of Al-Anon as instruments of recovery. I also learned to detach from all of my attempts to correcct my own situation because I didn't know what it was that I was going thru and didn't know that I didn't know that. I was living in the dark look for the light switch or the door handle or the pull string to the window shades which were locked in the closed position. I let go of trying to create my own solutions because it was the same mind I was using that got me into those sick situations. "My problem is me and the only solution is God" and that truth comes from an instrument from the program that HP has put into my life. I have come to accept that each and every consequence in my life today is a consequence of my choices and behaviors. I am not a pawn to be moved by others except if those others are instruments of my HP.
Coping for me to day isn't a matter of being a victim of the disease. Coping for me today is fitting into the solutions rather than just abiding with the problem. I have my part to do and I have tools, instruments and the grace of my HP around me to use. When my coping stopped working it mean't that I had refocused on the problem and turned myself back over to it allowing it to be my Higher Power again. If nothing changes...nothing changes that becomes my awareness and acceptance and I can go about my work of changing myself or relapsing.
I'm sure you have heard the almighty phrase "they have to stop for them." People that try to stop in order to fix/save any type of relationship, it's typically not going to work well. I'm sure there are exceptions to that. I work as a psych nurse and see people that have drug and alcohol problems along with mental health illnesses, all of which can be treated with medication/therapy/coping skills, but I do see many of them return because they never wanted to quit for themselves. Many times I see them substitute one bad coping skill for another, or one drug/high for another because they knew that their significant other wanted them "to quit alcohol" or whatever drug or change whatever emotion. They become attatched to the idea that their relationship will be fixed by JUST quitting alcohol, JUST quitting drugs, JUST quitting behaviors.
I know how it feels to lose all your coping skills and unsure why. I heard from a few long time al-anon members that sometimes you have to work the steps all over again. You never really complete the steps, just when you're done with 12 you go back to the 1st one. **HUGS** hopefully you can find what you need to get back to taking care of you!
It's so important to remember we are works in progress we are never really finished, so there will always be more work to be done. :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You wrote, One of the things that makes me the most angry is that she has an illness she could get help for..." So true! It is hard for me to cope with that thought even now. But I also realize that I have an illness that I could get help for too -- the illness of dwelling on what my A should do. So hard to turn our attention to ourselves. It sounds as if you have a lot of awareness. Hugs.
When I have found myself struggling with difficult situations, the program has taught me to H.A.L.T. Am I too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If I am, I need to stop and practice self care.
