Control vs a Boundary - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Control vs a Boundary

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Pushka,

I have been thinking alot about this too, and wondering if the action I have taken in setting a boundary with our son, is a form of my trying to control him, and minipulate him into doing what I want.

I have never been very good at taking care of myself always saying yes without thought, or hesitation, so in this instance with our son where I have asked a few reasonable requests of him, that he wouldn't follow through with, my first concern was for myself, that I felt I needed to set a boundary with him to look after myself, I am quite new to boundaries, and the affects they have on me and him, for me too I think the difference is my motives, there is no malice or anger or spite in asking my son to live his life as he wishes and not under our roof, I felt my kindness and love for him was being taken advantage of, and had I carried on his abuse of me and lack of respect, I belive would of continued because I was allowing it.

I keep thinking I am becoming teachable YAY at last, focussing lots, on acceptence and trying to let go of the consequences, of which I have no control anyway.

regards

Katy

x

mslouise · Senior Member

Hmmmmm....Very good thread confuse I think for me...control is something I'm doing to change the other person or a sitution to have it be exactly the way I want it to be...my way or the highway type thing....because we think our way is the best of course - can't they just see that!!! lol jk

A boundary.....I do not think a boundary can be flexible....if it is, it's not a boundary???? Something flexible, I think, would be more of a discussion between the two of you....working it out...coming to a decision together. Boundaries are for YOU. Something that YOU draw the line on to keep you safe, to keep your respect, sanity, digity, serenity, etc. Therefore, before stating your boundaries to someone, I was told you better be sure you can follow through with it.

I know my boundaries at this point. I have worked hard at learning what I want, deserve, and what I will put up with. And I state them as so. However, I also know, that sometimes there is a fine line between what your telling yourself it is a boundary vs something that your trying to control (usually for me based on fear). This is where motives come in I think. No one is perfect....we can not expect everyone to do every little thing exactly like WE want. This is where you have to decide what is right FOR YOU, want is acceptable, what is respectful and safe to keep your serenity. The big things are easy for me - like cheating, etc...no brainer...done....For me it's the littler things I have to examine more, I think when I start to really look at why I want someone to do something or get upset cause of something that was said....I really have to look at myself before I act....and examine my motives to see if it's realistic or just fear.

Awesome topic!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, boundaries are set to protect me.

Control are things I do that are intended to get another person to do something.

At many times in my life before the program, I'd get determined and say I was gonna set boundaries so the A's in my life wouldn't walk all over me. The "boundaries" were usually framed in terms of, "If you get drunk again, I will leave." Of course, the whole point in saying it was to let the A know that I was unhappy with their drinking, and hope that I could be threatening enough to get the A to not drink because the A was scared of the consequence. Of course, the A always drank ... and I never left. After we went back and forth with me setting this "boundary" a bunch of times, the A stopped believing there would be any consequence. There was always a fight, though.

I know now that this was not a boundary. I didn't set it for me, I set it to get him to do what i wanted. I didn't follow through with the consequence because there was never any consideration about whether what i was putting out there was to protect myself.

I realize now that boundaries are for me. Like, one boundary I have is that if someone is drinking, I will not get in the car with that person. I will call a ride, get a taxi, walk, ride my bike, or whatever else. This is not to prevent anyone else from drinking, this is to prevent me from getting hurt. It is not flexible. It is a line in the sand.

In my opinion, whille boundaries should not be generally flexible (flexible meaning, I'll let someone talk me out of enforcing it THIS time, but I'll intend to enforce it next time), some boundaries can and should be reevaluated after a period of time. For example, I wouldn't trust an active alcoholic or a brand new sober alcoholic to watch my infant all alone. But once the person had a recovery program and some sobriety, the kid-watching situation could be reevaluated. Boundaries aren't intended to punish other people. This is more of a situational, case-by-case kind of thing, though. I don't believe that boundaries I set to protect myself or my children are negotiable or flexible in general. Like, with my "I don't ride with drivers that drink" boundary, I certainly bend that boundary because the driver doesn't seem THAT drunk. Boundaries are to protect me - and I don't think they SHOULD be flexible. I'm worth protecting.

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 1st of July 2011 09:24:40 AM

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

My sponsor helped me with boundaries and boy did I need the help. I now look at boundaries in a very different way. Before I was in program I would tell my alcoholic wife that I was setting a boundary regarding something about her behavior that was bothering me and she would always violate the boundary, usually in about 24 hours time. I would get angry, she would drink more, I would get depressed and loath my weakness at not following through with my boundary which was really just a threat, she would drink more, I would set a "boundary," she would drink more and violate the boundary. It was an insane treadmill that was moving very fast and going nowhere.

So, my sponsor told me to stop thinking of boundaries as something to control my wife and start thinking about them as promises to myself. He even posed the idea that if I had to voice my boundary to my wife that it was no longer a boundary and it was an attempt to try and control her. So essentially, he said for me to set a boundary for myself and my behavior and not my wife's behavior, to think of it as a promise to myself of how I would deal with my wife's alcoholic behavior when it came up, and to never voice the boundary to my wife unless it had something to do with my physical safety or the safety of my children in a direct or indirect manner. It took practice but this absolutely worked for me.

What started happening is that my wife would violate one of my unspoken boundaries and I reacted to it with the behavior that I "promised" myself I would do when my wife behaved a certain way. If my wife got drunk, i promised myself I would say nothing and I would focus on my kids. If my wife got belligerent, the kids and I would go walk the dogs or go to the park. If my wife passed out on the couch, I would leave her there. If she fell down on the floor, I would leave her there. If my wife fell down on the floor when my kids were awake I would help her to the couch but not the bedroom and I wouldn't get her a pillow or blanket. If my kids were in danger I would call the police. If I was in danger I would call the police. If my wife got drunk early in the day the kids and I would go to my sister's house where I had sleeping bags and toothbrushes, and clothes for us all.

There are so many more boundaries that I had, some of which I had to react to with my promises to myself and some I never did. I am not saying that this was easy, but it really worked for me and it took a while for me to use the boundary/promises to myself correctly without reacting to my wife in the old, unhealthy way. This system of boundaries as promises to myself really freaked my wife out, she didn't know how to react to it, and her drinking and pill popping got worse for about a month or two before I had to follow one of my promises to myself of going to an attorney and start the process of getting custody of my kids, which I did. I am not saying that I got my wife sober, but going to the attorney and eventually in front of a judge caused my wife to go into rehab. She's now going on 14 months sober and we are trying to repair our marriage and family.

-- Edited by surfingmaestro on Friday 1st of July 2011 11:16:06 AM

MDK · Veteran Member

Oh man I know what you mean I use to feel like I had to defend myself til I got the last word in.......thing is someone once told me when you feel like that ask yourself How Important is it? That has saved me from myself sometimes. When I mean something I sit down with my husband and I tell him once how it is going to be.............and he usually listens that for me is setting a boundry I never try to control anymore which is really, really, really hard. I have to put my trust in my higher power and and let it go.................. Hope this helped :) Positive thoughts are coming your way!

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Pushka,

Good topic. Boundaries are for you, control is like everybody said you want them to do what you want. It s very hard to know the difference and its very hard to let go of the control because we feel empowered? Surfingmaestro explained it very well, if you set up boundaries there are consequences, not for you but for the alcoholic. I am trying to set up boundaries with my teenage kid who is not an alcoholic but i feel has "suffered" from my co-dependency and her dad's alcoholism but implementing simple boundaries such as cleaning the dishes and putting dishes in the dishwasher (what a concept) or there is no video game time is working. for my ah we are in the process of separation he had to find a lawyer on hi own and go see the bank on his own.....so he can buy a house on his own. after 2 weeks he still has not called a lawyer he has met with the bank and he wants that house real bad but i am looking after my own interests not his. A year ago i would have done everything for him and i bet i would be whinning because of it! Have a great day.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Once again the responses I have received have humbled me and put my stinking thinking to the test. Thank you all so much for responding this is a big struggle for me at the moment and I really like the analogy of boundaries being promises to myself about specific behavior. I have tried to put in it terms in the past of what I will or won't accept from someone, that line gets way to blurry for me when it comes to then trying to control a specific situation. Thank you again for the wonderful responses!! :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pusha

I have no trouble with either control or boundreis as long as I have imposed the control or boundry on MYSELF and not tried to impose it on others

That keeps it simple I can CONTROL my "Reactions' , MyActions, My thoughts, I have boundries on what I will tolerate and I will take myself out of the interaction if the problem surfaces

My Boundries which control my behavior are something like:

I must stay in my own Hoola Hoop I will not try to change another.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I must stay in my own Hoola Hoop I will not try to change another.

LOL .. I love that thank you!!

oldergal · Senior Member

Hi Pushka, there is also good posts on boundarys/expectations on May 18 post.

Oldergal blankstare

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

linaba, thank you very much for this it's a link to something Oties had shared written in June.

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t43211980/oties-answers-part-two-step-one-and-boundaries/

-- Edited by Pushka on Saturday 2nd of July 2011 08:16:00 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.