I've been in the process of trying to buy a house for the last month and a half or so.  It has not been fun.  Although I had fun finding the house I wanted to buy, and the offer and acceptance part went fine, we have had a lot of trouble getting final approval for our loan.  It's brought up many issues for me, and the last 2 weeks have been really hard.

First, the credit issues are mine.  In my marriage to my exAH, my credit was destroyed.  It doesn't do any good to blame my ex, because I didn't take any measures to protect myself financially from the tornado that was active alcoholism.  I didn't know I had any options to protect myself - getting my own bank accounts and/or getting my name off of joint accounts just didn't occur to me.  It seems so simple, but I never thought of it.  Live and learn, I guess.  I'm so much wiser now.  In any event, my credit the last 5 years has been a lot better, and I've reestablished myself.  But there's still enough damage there that it's been HARD to qualify for a loan. 

As I said, this has brought up several issues. First, I feel embarrassed and ashamed having someone dig through my finances and credit, ask for letters of explanation, etc.  I don't know why I'm ashamed.  The past happened, and it's clearly better now.  Still, the need to keep it on the down low is still there.  The desire to want people to think i have it all together (when I feel internally that I don't) is still there.

Also, I feel self-conscious about the fact that if we don't get approved, it will be my fault.  My AH's credit is fine.  I told him last night how I felt and he was so gracious - said it didn't matter a bit to him whether we even got approved, and that he was just grateful to have his family.  I felt good that I told him I wasn't feeling good about it - which is progress over my old tendency to just stuff it.

I also feel very anxious that I'm supposed to move in 2 weeks and I don't know where I'm going.  We live in an apartment now, and our lease is up today.  Our complex agreed to let us hold over for an additional 2 weeks so we can get closed on our new home, but our apartment has been leased to another tenant after that.  So we have to move in 2 weeks.  We have a tentative closing date the week after next, but it's all contingent upon final loan approval of course.  If we don't get the loan, we'll have to find a place to rent.  I still feel like I haven't developed the flexibility to deal with these kinds of situations comfortably.  My whole life, i've hated surprises.  I have no doubt that this is because I grew up with alcoholism.  Surprises are bad. 

Logically, I know that it's not THAT bad.  In 2 weeks, we'll either be in our new house or we'll be in a rental somewhere.  Getting evicted and living under a bridge isn't one of the choices...so either way we're blessed.  I know this in my head.  My body feels stress, though.  I've been breaking out in hives and my hair is falling out.  :( 

Thanks for letting me post.  Just admitting that I don't feel well and I'm having trouble navigating the uncertainty makes it better already.  Our lender says we should have a final decision tomorrow...but they said that on Monday and Tuesday, too, so I don't really have the expectation that the uncertainty is going to end tomorrow. 

Okay, I have to get back to packing.  At least I have plenty to do.  We have to move out either way, so I can spend my anxious energy being productive.