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So for the last couple of days I have been practicing my Let Go and Let God.It seems to be going ok. I have severed all ties with my exA, even had my boss change my work number so he could no longer call there (he would leave nasty messages at work) It's been almost a year I believe that I have heard anything from him.
I am now dating a wonderful man who listens to me, doesn't judge and respects me.He knows about my anxiety and a little bit of my past with the ex A and the triggers I have and am working on.I don't go into too much detail about my exA, as I feel I don't have to tell all.When we first started dating (my new bf) there were some issues I was concerned about. I have learned to be upfront, stand up for what I want, and not to settle.And when I did, my new bf actually listened -WOW no yelling, no saying I'm stupid...WOW...and then he actually said thank you to me for addressing these concerns I had and said thank you for making him aware of needing to return his moral compass to what his parents raised him as such.He said he got lost a little in his room-mate type marriage of 14 years and lost some of it.And he has been upholding that ever since.My guy now, I totally trust him and he makes me feel wonderful in every way.
Anyways, we have great communication, and he says although he doesn't understand anxiety and our talks are not always fun, he loves that we can have them cause communication is something he lacked in his previous marriage and it lets him understand more of what I'm going through.
I'm trying to work on myself so all my triggers from the past, are no longer triggers. To where I can just handle them...or laugh them off, because some are just not worth worrying about...Takes time yes.I know my triggers are irrational, and stem from fears from my A, this in itself is a progress I guess.I will give an example although embarrassing to me a little to say.When I was with my A, he used to be very inappropriate with other women, flirting, hot comments, etc...now I know all guys (and girls) look and it's natural as long as it's not disrespectful...but it was the way my exA did it, with intent he said things, it was nasty and a dirty feeling to purposely make me feel inadequate and not-worthy or like there was something physically wrong with me and I was crazy along with it.I could tell you many a things he said to me that were about my physical being and parts of me, but some are to inappropriate to mention.I know in my head he did this to feed my low-self esteem, to make me feel that I could not seek or even think that anyone else would ever want or be happy with me.
I know this is crazy and I don't really know how to explain this well...But this is one of my hugest triggers at this point and one I want to conquer......girls....or should I say "hot"girls.....my anxiety spikes immediately when....I don't even know what triggers it really....fear, afraid of being left, disrespected is a big one???.But I KNOW this is completely irrational thinking at this point, and one that I have based on fear.My fear or anxiety says that there is something that I'm not being, or not fulfilling...always someone better will come along.Or that he will be "with me" but thinking about someone else.That he will want someone or something else and toss me aside like nothing (which my ex A did many times he left).I know this is ME, my problem and I own it and its totally irrational.An example: The last couple of days - I have gotten that anxious feeling as soon as my guy said he wanted to see this movie that was totally a guy film.Girls dressed in little school like skirts running around with guns.Can't remember what it's called. But he mentioned it like twice and said "oh I gotta see that -who wouldn't wanna see girls in skirts running around with guns", or something stupid like that that guys don't think of what they say in front of us (sorry guys out there)....Of course he wants to -he's a guy and IT'S A STUPID MOVIE!!!!But Immediately gave me anxiety.Stupid I know-it's just a movie.And I didn't tell him it rushed my anxiety, but I know he can tell...I get quiet and I'm trying to push my anxiety away by myself.Problem is if I don't talk about it (my fears...any fears), which I'm trying not to burden him with everything little problem...will resentments (don't know if thats the right word) of some kind build up? And this is just one silly example.
I"m trying this saying when my triggers show their awful head....if he( or someone) does this (insert trigger here), he either will or he won't...What will I do about it????I can say, he'll see the movie...but then I sure dont want him kissy kissy all over me afterwards.But then tha's a punishment of sorts.....so what do I do then???I feel like I have come so far....just to stand up for myself is huge.....it's hard and scary but huge.....I just don't want to lose something that is so good in my life cause of fears I'm dragging around from my past.....
You said in your post, about it being an irrational fear. It's yours and it's real to you. It's obvious you have worked your program really hard and well since your exA. I want to point something out, it IS only a movie. Your bf is coming home to you, his hot woman. He's not going home with the hollywood hot girl. She's an actress. A total figment of the imagination. He's not even watching porn and getting "kissy kissy" kwim?
What are you going to do while he goes and see "the movie"? How are you going to find your own serenity during that time? I also want to add there is nothing wrong with verbalizing your insecurities they are what they are and the longer you are with him and the more you see that they are unfounded (I'm going by what you have shared). I don't find there is anything wrong with verbalizing as long as your motives are solid without another agenda going on.
Hugs and enjoy!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Omg When I read your post I could see myself I had very low self esteem feAr of being rejected abandoned And of course the what Ifs scenarios Let go let go let go Step 4 is what it's all about take one thing at a time there is the blueprint which is very helpful it will help go through all these emotions and feelings You will succeed there is hope for all of us
but it's what happens with things (not just movies) come up and It scares me. When we go out and I see him glancing and I mean glancing (like is he supposed to have blinders on - cmon woman!!!! (anxiety pops up) ...horrible!!!! STOP IT!!!! I say....I think I'm worthy!!!! But when am I going to feel it deep inside my bones!!!! With just laughter and giggles at these silly little thoughts!!!!
I agree about the motives and Letting GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhh :) Try try again.....and keep trying till I get it right!!!
-- Edited by mslouise on Thursday 30th of June 2011 03:19:12 PM
I have had similar feelings about all kinds of stuff.
For me what it really boiled down to was, "What if he's not really a nice and reliable person? What if he's disrespectful? What if he has terrible values?" I would get really anxious because my thought was that then I'd either have to change him or endure being in a painful relationship. The fact that maybe he would have terrible values and I could just leave the relationship never occurred to me.
So my thought is that if your guy likes these movies and staring at the girls in tiny skirts, maybe that's just an ordinary guy thing, or maybe it is an indication that he likes to ogle too much, he's going to be thinking about straying, and it could be painful. The thing is, if it's a bad sign, it will be clear in time. You won't have to worry about finding out -- it will be clear without your having to make any effort. And if he's just doing a harmless guy thing, that will also be clear. The important thing is that if it is a bad sign (and I'm not saying it is), you will have choices. I would always get into a panic because I didn't see any realistic choices. I was so dependent that I thought I had to stick with the guy no matter what. And you can guess how well that turned out.
So the way I see it, your concerns might not be unreasonable -- you just need time to provide more information. If they are unreasonable, you'll know. And if, sadly, he's unreliable, you'll know that too. Either way, you have the power. That's the way I see it.
Hi Mslouise, I agree with Pushka in that there is NO fear that is irrational. You have had previous experiences that have left you damaged and vulnerable...all of which were out of your control to begin with and are not your fault at all. I am so happy to hear that you are vocalizing your fears and communicating your feelings to your new significant other. He sounds like a good guy and that he treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve. I know..."guys will by guys", as the saying goes...but it sounds like you are sticking up for yourself and letting your voice be heard. I am encouraged by you!
I think it is sad that so many grown men are stuck in the beavis and butthead hormonal teenager view of women. I would not think highly of a man that wants to watch a movie like you describe. I have a deep ick reaction when I see pics of Hugh Heffner with all his granddaughter-age playmates. Why are you thinking you are in the wrong for being bothered by it? Maybe you have anxiety because you are trying to ignore something you don't feel like you can accept and ignore. I'm curious what other's say.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hang in there and ask your HP to remove your insecurities. If this new male friend is serious about the relationship, he will overlook a lot of things. Eventually, the real self will be revealed on both ends. I would allow the relationship to develop and blossom one day at a time. Live in the moment.
