AH wants to stop drinking, asking me for help - Al-Anon Family Group

Regi76 · Member

AH wants to stop drinking, asking me for help

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

We all come to Al-Anon because we are effected by someone else's drinking. They don't drink because of you or me, they don't quit because we want them to, they drink because they have a drinking problem. Nothing I can say or you can say will change that. They have to make that decision for themselves and I found it is best without any interference from me.

I never tiptoed, but I walked on egg shells in my own house. Working the program I was able to kick the egg shell out of the way over time. Any threats I made, if listened to, were only short term fixes. The disease would eventually win again. The power of those conversations were always fleeting.

It was a good day the day I realized if my alcoholic ever decides to quit it won't be something I said or didn't say, it will be a decision she makes on her own.

HUGS,
RLC

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH used to tell me that if I noticed him drinking too much, i should say something so he could "get a handle on it." Thing was, when I'd say something, it would just lead to an argument where he'd say I was paranoid and a control freak (true). It didn't matter that he gave me permission to tell him I thought he was drinking too much - no matter what I said, he didn't drink less. In the program, I have come to accept that I simply do not have the power to help someone drink less. The only thing that can help them is their HP ... and I am nobody's HP.

I came to Alanon the first time looking for answers about how to change someone else's drinking. I didn't get any answers about how I could get someone to stop drinking - I got a lot of people telling me to come back and a lot of talk about how the only thing I could change was me. I didn't understand most of it.

I didn't come back right away either ... and my life didn't change much.

When I came back a couple years later, I went to 6 meetings on 6 consecutive days. I discovered that although I didn't understand everything still, I enjoyed being around people who had been through what I'd been through. I now have about 3 years in the program, and I understand that the problem when I got here was that I was getting an answer that didn't match my question. My question was how do I fix someone else's drinking. Over time, I learned that the simple answer to this is, "I don't." I am not responsible for someone else's drinking. I can't make them drink, of course - and I also can't help them not drink. I can, however, change my own perspective and learn how to not walk on eggshells anymore.

I, too, grew up in an alcoholic home. I learned to avoid arguments at all costs. I discovered here that this behavior is not healthy. It is not healthy that I should change what I say or do, or not express my own feelings or opinions in an effort to keep someone else from getting angry. While this may keep the peace externally, it doesn't make me feel good inside. I used to wonder why my feelings and opinions mattered less than everyone else's. It turns out that they don't matter less! But it also turns out that I have to put them out there and stand up for myself. I didn't ever know how to do that before.

Although you initially came here asking one question and got some answers that don't seem to match, I hope you will stick around. In just a short time, things will be much clearer. Read all you can about alcoholism, go to meetings, make new friends in the program, and watch how much your life will change. Mine has changed SO much.

Blessings,

Summer

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The 3 c's totally apply, we cannot control our addict, we did not cause the addict to have an addiction, and we cannot cure our addict. The only thing we can control is what choices we make in our situations. Walking on eggshells will not keep the drinker from drinking. There is all kinds of help, it requires his action and his doing, the question always comes back to what are you doing for you and your recovery.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone here once said that when their Mother finally got sober and was in recovery, they asked their mom what they could have said or done to help her get sober quicker. The mother said "nothing at all".

There is nothing we can do to make the alcoholic want to stop, want to quit, want to go to AA or NA or wherever. That is the first step of our program. We are completely powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable. I keep having to go back to the first step, because there are days I begin counting drinks, or telling him what to do, or questioning him...

so all I can say is the suggestion is for you to go to Alanon, get some meetings under your belt, take time to focus on you, listen at meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps. Maybe there is a meeting this weekend where you are going that you can attend, while your parents watch your child?

I am 35 years old and I don't want to keep living my life the way I once was...Its time to gain new tools and learn about me. If you go away for the weekend, don't do it with an attitude, just smile, tell him goodbye nicely, tell him you love him (if you want) and head out the door happily. The book Getting Them Sober has helped me so much... Take care of you!

Regi76 · Member

Thank you so much for your reply. Every response I get helps me, even if it doesnt answer my question I still reall appreciate the support.

Regi76 · Member

Does anyone know which one of the "Getting them Sober" books to start with? there seems to be like 3-5 books:).. Thanks for all the help and support.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

"Getting Them Sober"....Volume 1

RLC

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thats the thing, we can't really answer your question, because the answer is that you can't say or do anything to change him. You can only change you. :) HUGS! And as RLC said Volume 1 is the one I was talking about. Its a wonderful book. Take care of you!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Regina,
(My best friend in AlAnon is named Regina.) I can only tell you my own story.
My hubby 11 yrs. ago found AA by way of a drunk driving ticket. He needed to impress the judge that he was serious about quitting and his brother was already in AA, so he started meetings too. Then he had to stay there and have slips signed for his probation officer. So he was about a year into AA, going 3-4 times/week by the time the pressure was off by the court system. He stayed there (but I have heard him confess that he did try a few drinks a couple of times). He also got throat cancer 4 yrs ago and was told he had 2 months to live. With aggressive treatment he is cancer free today. I don't worry he will ever drink again....because he is way more afraid of cancer than alcoholism.

I also heard him say (we were at a retreat for AA and AlAnon) that he doesn't really think he ever was an alcoholic. Wow. If he ever would ask me I could give him chapter and verse about him being an alcoholic. But he doesn't want to ask me..... There was nothing that I did to MAKE or even encourage him to quit (except getting further and further away from him because I was really starting to dislike him and how he treated me and the rest of the family). I had no clout over him. He didn't care what I thought when he was drinking. He didn't care that I didn't like him and he blames me for distancing myself from him (no sex for 4 years because who likes having sex with someone who can't do it anyway and smells bad and wants the kinky porn stuff and falls asleep half way through et cetera.....)

My Son-In-Law, at the advice of my hubby, went to AA for a few months last summer. He has a brother who currently drinks out of control, another brother who hung himself and died at age 22 who was gripped by the disease, his grandfathers on both sides of the family were alkies, his dad lost an eye due to a drunk driving accident where he hit a tree. So the SIL was stressed and drinking to sleep every night. He learned a lot in AA, but decided that he would just slow down. He thinks he can drink just a few and quit for awhile and then drink a few more. My daughter knows the score and has told him what to expect when she has her fill of his drunken-ness. She doesn't drink or take any drugs ever. She told him she went through all this with her dad and WILL NOT do it again. She knows he has to decide for himself.

There is nothing anyone can do but say, "yeah, quit drinking and go to AA." The actual going and learning is totally up to the person who has the disease. What you have to do is educate yourself. Do not listen to the alcoholic. He can't educate you because he is in the middle of it and can't see the forest for the trees. Go to meetings and read all you can. There are certain personality traits that ALL alcoholics have. You can read more about it on this web site. The saddest part of the disease for me to understand is that the chemical alcohol permenantly re-wires the brain. The disease never goes away. It can go into remission and the personality changes can be smoothed over, but the disease is still there just waiting for them to let their guard down.

-- Edited by maryjane on Thursday 30th of June 2011 03:25:57 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Regina

Welcome to MIP You have been given great information and support. I would like to add that there is hope and help available to you both.

If you are going to discuss his drinking this evening,great!!! You could open the door and explain you are on edge, and uncomfortable in your home. and know that alanon meetings will help you with this anxiety. If he wants to know what he can do, you can suggest that he explore AA either ON LINE OR IN FACE TO FACE MEETINGS . At these meetings he can talk to others who can really understand and can offer him suggestions as to the actions that work.

Then I WOULD STOP TALKING.

GOOD luck

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

The thing is the A knows what he could do and where he could go if he really wanted to stop drinking. There's no need for any of us to lay out a game plan for him. I've heard the most a recovering Al-Anon has done to that kind of "I need your help" request was to hand the A an AA meeting schedule and leave it at that.

I've heard the "I want to stop drinking" thing before, too. Of course, in recovery, I would sit there quietly listening to him while inside, my heart would beat faster and the little voice in my head would say "Wow! He's serious THIS time."

"this time" being the key words in those thoughts. Yes, that means there have been many times over where the A said he wanted to stop drinking before. And here he and I would sit again having that same conversation. But what's truly different "this time" is that I'm in recovery and know not to take the bait - play rescuer. I just sat there quietly, inserted a few "oooh's" and "mmm hmmm's" in the appropriate places with an occasional "okay" here or there and left it at that.

I learned if the A's truly serious about recovery, they will do whatever it takes to get themselves to an AA meeting or another place where they can begin their steps to recovery. My assistance actually will NOT be required.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha wrote:

I learned if the A's truly serious about recovery, they will do whatever it takes to get themselves to an AA meeting or another place where they can begin their steps to recovery. My assistance actually will NOT be required.

That's exactly how I feel about my own situation. I also have learned that the holding out the "golden carrot" is a way I have allowed my AH to control me. I find it ironic, that me the master controller of getting him to do what I want when I want, because after I all have the best answer (I don't .. lol), I have been more powerless and more frantic and more controlled by the A, because I would gear my life around him. Whine, beg, plead it's not about him anymore it's now about what is best for the kids and myself. That means no cancelling plans, no reworking my schedule around his might be binges and so on. He's had some of his own lightbulb moments of WTH, my decision did not jive with what he had in mind.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha wrote:

I learned if the A's truly serious about recovery, they will do whatever it takes to get themselves to an AA meeting or another place where they can begin their steps to recovery. My assistance actually will NOT be required.

This is so true - and it was so hard for me to understand or accept at first. I LIKED being the rescuer. I LIKED having the answers - or at least thinking that I had the answers. I LIKED thinking that I'd be the one to save the A's in my life from themselves. I found it so hard to accept that AA could work and that I could not help. It took me a long time to really understand the full extent of my "powerlessness," but once I understood that, I also understood how much power I really do have - just not over the things I used to think.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been divorced one year, after 36 years of marriage. After just 4 months of Al-Anon meetings, reading Al-Anon literature, and talking with other members, I now know without a shadow of doubt that no matter what I say or do, I can't control his choices.
Step one: I'm powerless (big ego buster).

He will either drink or not drink. It's totally out of my hands. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders when I finally got this truth.

Regi76 · Member

Thank you all:)

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