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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I had to bring it to the board...
Post Info TOPIC: I had to bring it to the board...
Rora


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I had to bring it to the board...
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My exaH had a very big surgery yesterday, one that has very big risks attached to it, for circulation.  As some background he's in a very dark, angry, sad, hurting, tormented, fearful place and that is coming out in almost every decision he is making, in his words, thoughts and actions.  He is livid with me and has some interpretations about me and my life and my decisions that I feel are false and that paint me as a complete immoral unethical villain and he as my defenseless victim.  :(  I've made some mistakes, yes indeed, but I am not the person that he believes I am.

Before the surgery I sent him a text telling him that my thoughts and prayers were with him and that I had hoped that this surgery will help him move forward to peace and joy allowing to leave this sad, angry and tormented phase behind him.  He text me back telling me I had no heart and that I was a very very cruel woman.  Those were our last "words".

Yesterday was the surgery.  I heard nothing from his daughters.  Today one of his daughters called me very upset and worried about her Dad's condition because the ICU nurse told her that he did not do well through the night.  ExaH's daughter also told me that it is his wish that I NOT come to the hospital and NOT be updated about his condition.  That security at the hospital has been notified and that I will not be let in.  She did tell me that if anything major happens or goes on, she will let me know, despite the fact that her Dad doesn't want her to. 

As a result I find myself very sad.  I do not want him to be going through this pain and suffering and fear.  I know that his disease has taken a hold of him, but inside somewhere must still exist that gentle kind man that I love so dearly.  I keep asking HP to take good care of him and of myself and our son and exaH's daughters.  Everyone is hurting and scared. 

I had thought about going to the hospital and just sitting in the lounge so that at least i know that I was there.  But when I thought about it further I was afraid this would add to the drama that has been created and could be misinterpreted as being defiant and stubborn.  So, I ultimately decided not to go.  I truly just want peace for us all. 

Rora



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GailMichelle


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Dear Rora:

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through! I don't think it's uncommon for an ex-alcoholic spouse to play victim, epsecially if he/she isn't in recovery. I experienced my ex's accusations not too long ago when he tried to detox on his own.

Fortunately, you have his daughter's support. She seems to understand that you aren't the villian.

Your heart is in the right place. I wish you peace. Keep us posted. Gail

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Jerry F


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Aloha Rora...somewhat been there and done that also and so a sponsor's feedback on it to help me out.  My alcoholic/addict wife requested that I do the same thing..."leave me alone" are her words and because of my part in it I wouldn't;  not that I couldn't I wouldn't and so as the ODAAT says, "I would do anything to see the alcoholic get sober or well except get off of her back."  My sponsor asked me "Why didn't you do what she asked?" and there in is the working of this program.  Faith in my HP I learned to define as "Believe without reservation" and so I learned to turn her over and leave the scene, let the two of them meet.  When my alcoholic was focused on getting me out of the picture she couldn't hear what her HP was trying to say or do.  My prayer was such, "Dear God help me to get out and stay out of the way so that you two can meet, not my will but thy will be done."

I empathize with your fear and longing, it's scary and a solution is to spend time with your sponsor to help change.  Prayers are gone your way.  ((((hugs)))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 30th of June 2011 11:23:59 AM

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youfoundme


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I think you have had some great share's here, and really the only thing I can say is HUGS and I hope you find things for you to do so you stay busy in your own life. I know when I get busy, I get better, and getting off my A's back can only work if I do it. I would respect your ex's wishes, and when he is ready he will contact you...take care of you!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
maryjane


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Hi,
I totally understand. There is nothing you can do about this either. And he is your ex. So he has expressed what he wants and you can leave him to his HP. At least you have his daughter who is willing to let you stayed informed. Be happy for that. You said you were sad that the gentle man that you knew before was no longer there, but actually, he probably has been gone for a long time. We always see and remember the good stuff in people, but the reality is that those traits are gone for now.



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maryjane
Jadie


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Dear Rora

You sent him a message showing care and concern, he responded with anger. Your motives were gentle his response was cruel. This is the way of his disease.

Hurt people hurt people.

It's good that his daughter will update you, her first loyalty will be with her Father, no cause for resentment only gratitude that she understands the difficulties.

A wise AA member once said to me, leave him, let him be, give him time with himself and his higher power and take care of yourself. I knew I could change nothing with him, but not going running (on a tank full of fear) with my dignity trailing behind me, changed a lot for me.

It's times like this I phone an Al-anon member, I get to a meeting if I can and try to keep busy to keep the obsession at bay.

Be gentle with yourself

In support

(((((Jadie))))))



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Pushka


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Jadie wrote:

A wise AA member once said to me, leave him, let him be, give him time with himself and his higher power and take care of yourself. I knew I could change nothing with him, but not going running (on a tank full of fear) with my dignity trailing behind me, changed a lot for me.


 I love this Jadie thanks for sharing that!!



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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Rora as you shared he is very, very sick. I am sure you have read my shares more than once when I said the man I married is dead that that guy in his body is a monster.

I too had hope my gentle sweet husband was in there somewhere. When he went to prison he had to be sober. I went and saw him a number of times to see if my husband was in there at all. The last time I left him, I knew he was NOT my husband anymore. That the surgery and drugs killed every bit of the man I loved.

Hon I had to face that all the horrible things he said were from a sick,disease person.

I hope you can detach from all the hurtful stuff. It sounds like the family is very emotional and honestly are not thinking straight. Most of us don't do well when a loved one is that sick.

My aunt who I loved betrayed me many times when I was with Gma, helping her thru to her dying.

Ya think it should be a time of calmness and love,when a loved one is having huge health problems. But it seems to bring out the worst. All you can do is follow your heart.

hugs Rora, debilyn

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Rora


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You are all so amazing and I thank you for taking the time to hold me up a little while my proverbial knees decide if they are strong enough to keep from buckling through this difficult time.

My exaH is my exaH that is true, but any of us who have been there or are going there know that this does not mean that the feelings end because of it.  Him being my ex is not by choice but by neccesity for mine and my son's sanity.  Therefore the love I have for exaH is not gone and the care and concern are ever present as well, despite the really terrible accusations, insults, actions, attitudes, etc.  Loving him from the sidelines takes deliberate and purposeful effort and not getting pulled into the game does also.  Turning him over to HP has become a daily practice of mine.  I have come a very long way in getting off his back.  His recent displays of utter hostility and misinterpretation of any and all information have made that easier for me.

I kept busy yesterday and had a nice evening with my son.  It is my understanding that exaH made it through the day yesterday ok.  A message from him on my answering machine for our son revealed that.  I am thankful.  I can only hope and pray that his progress continues.

Thank you for your time and concern.

Rora



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