The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife's family knows about her disease and her depression and the struggles that have come as a result. My side of the family does not. We're going to be spending a lot of time with them this weekend--in fact, today my wife was with her sister in-law for much of the day.
I'm struggling with the idea of them not knowing and the question of whether I should tell them. I know this is a symptom of my illness in many ways. I want her to act a certain way in front of my family and if she doesn't, I at least want my family to know that it is not "my fault". I'm being honest here, I know that this is my problem.
But it is a really strong feeling that I can't shake, and it is creating a lot of tension inside of me. What if--what if she drinks this weekend in front of my family? Or takes a pill? What if she just "isn't right"? What if she takes a pill and acts drunk?
I think back to my childhood, when my mother would get falling down drank at family get togethers and how hard it was for me as a kid to see that. It was obvious to everyone that she had a problem, so it's not like anything needed to be said. But it was still hard. And I just can't believe I find myself worrying about the same exact thing, 30+ years later, as an adult.
I know the right thing to do here, which is nothing. She's going to do what she's going to do. My family knowing about it ahead of time won't change anything. There's the practical aspect of asking them not to have booze around, but I know we can't control what she does.
I have to admit, I'm finding this concept to be a challenge, and I welcome it as I know it is part of my recovery. But it is causing anxiety in me.
Something I have to constantly remind myself is others people's behavior has nothing to do with me. If my A drinks and makes a jerk out of himself, that's not a reflection that I failed to do something "right", "better" or whatever fill in the blank. The 3 C's apply. I did not cause the addiction, I cannot control the addiction and I absolutely cannot cure it. The A's behavior has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the addict. Hugs and good luck :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Just last weekend we were at a wedding together, my Abf and I. There was an open bar. He got drinks. His parents were there and they thought was just getting sodas. He would get Rum and cokes. Anyway, I kept reminding myself that it wasn't anything I could control. I couldn't cure it and I didn't cause him to go get a drink. When I relaxed and didn't react, then I felt better and the night went great. Remember to Remain Calm and don't react! Focus on you and you having a good time. When we don't throw around attitudes and questioning and all that, things go a lot better. Ask for help from HP...Trust in HP to help you through!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear usedtobeanyer, Trust your own gut. You know the players better than anyone else. Trust me, it will come out sooner or later anyway.
From my own experience, as soon as you have made the decision within yourself---you will feel a certain sense of relief----no matter how it actually plays out down the line.
I was as sick as my secrets and couldn't enjoy any function. It's a lonely place.
The disease doesn't remain hidden and my family all knew there was something wrong but were fearful to give it a voice. After I was in Al-anon for a while the voice was mine, I let go of the secrets and let others in, most of all the loved ones I had shut out and who couldn't understand why.
A's are A's, they're either going to drink or they're not....we have to decide what we're going to do. I try to remember I didn't cause it & I can't control it but I can enjoy being among the people who love me and (try) be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
I think you answered your own question when you said....."I know the right thing to do, which is nothing. She is going to do what she is going to do."
Everything else is projections. Things might not go as good as you would like or a bad as you might expect. Think Step One.
Your wifes actions good or bad this weekend or next year are no reflection on you. Fall back on your program as I know you will, and have a good time, keeping the focus on the only person you have any control over. The disease can throw us problems, but only if we allow.
I know the right thing to do here, which is nothing. She's going to do what she's going to do. My family knowing about it ahead of time won't change anything. There's the practical aspect of asking them not to have booze around, but I know we can't control what she does.
Yes, she will do what she will do. Exactly!
I've asked people to not bring alcoholic beverages to our home for family get-togethers. They respected my requests. But you know what? That didn't stop him from drinking because his stash was nearby: the garage!
Enjoy yourself this weekend. Whatever she chooses to do is not a reflection on you! It took me "years" to realize this. Don't be a slow learner like me!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
In my opinion, it's up to the alcoholic to tell other people about their sickness if they so choose. Other people aren't blind and may even notice something is wrong...but - as my sponsor says - if I am not part of the problem, I am not part of the solution. If it's not my disease, I keep my mouth shut.
Aloha Usetobe...you've got great responses to validate what you already know and now it is about what you do not because of what she does or doesn't do but what you decide to do. Decide to love her anyway and allow her the dignity of her own choices and the consequences of them. I use to "What if" and my sponsor taught me that if that was all I was doing or going to do I was out of balance...to stay in balance every time I "What iffed" I had to also "What if not". I stopped projecting and fortune telling and took care of my own fun where ever we were at.
For me, honesty is important just so long as I check my motives.
If I'm telling people just the facts it's best. I step into murky waters if I color those facts up with personal woes and try to manipulate other people's opinions of a person.
For me, there's a difference between: "Sally is suffering from substance abuse." and "Sally's an out-of-control addict and it's so terrible all the things she's done!"
I've also kept things to a "need-to-know" standard. I didn't go running around telling everyone about my A's condition. Only those whom I felt I could trust with the information, and those who deserved to hear the truth from me. Most notably for me were my close friends and immediate family members. I tried to step very carefully if I spoke openly about the A's addiction issues with his close friends and/or family. I was especially cautious when I talked with his daughter about it. I really wanted to be careful not to say mean, gossipy things about him - even when I was most frustrated with him.
You have a right to gain support from your family. I would suggest examining your motives for either talking to them about her alcoholism versus not. If it is to "save face" and keep up appearances with them, then I think the way you answered your own question is correct. If you truly think you would receive empathic understanding and helpful support from your own family, then that is a different story.
There are no easy answers and there is no right or wrong. You answer to your higher power. Pray on it and just keep doing the best you can.
If it is to 'save face'and keep up appearances with them, then I think the way you answered your own question is correct. If you truly think you would receive empathic understanding and helpful support from your own family, then that is a different story. ..............................................................................................................................
I like this...............I know for me my family, and some friends, felt I shut them out, when they wanted to support ME, not the A, but ME.
I don't discuss the A much these days, if asked I just give a quick a quick, 'sadly the disease is active but I'm doing ok thanks'
Al-anon meetings are where I can share among people who walk in my shoes, who understand and make no judgements.
For me I do not put myself into that family triangle and make it my duty to disclose whether or not my loved one has been drinking. They do ask from time to time and I say, you know I think it is probably best you ask him.
I love my AH regardless of whether he makes the decision today to drink or not. We have built a level of trust and caring for one another. If I shared with his family I think he would be hurt and angry. I kinda look at it like sharing in an Alanon meeting. When it is my turn to share, I tell MY story, not His story. If I do that, I keep the focus on myself and live one day at a time.
I do so hope you find some peace and joy this weekend. This too shall pass.
Thanks all for your responses, they were all very helpful. I think my motives would be good--specifically, I would just want me family to know what is happening, especially as I'm guessing by the end of the weekend they may have questions. Really, it would also be so helpful to have more people who I can turn to for support. This is a tricky one. As for the weekend, I truly am going to try to not obsess over my wife's behavior and just try and enjoy the time with family. Thanks all.
I told my family about my AH's drinking. It did nothing but create a mess. I then had to deal with all kinds of unwelcome judgements... they judged me too... suddenly I couldn't get them out of my business.
They do not understand the disease, they are not in recovery... so it was no support whatsoever. It turned me into a gossip queen against my husband and I then had to beg them not to gossip about him in town... so that I could protect my children (he is their father!) ... it was a mess. I had harmed myself, my marriage and my children.
My MOTIVE was to get my family to cut back on their own drinking around my husband so that he, too, might cut back. I was trying to control EVERYBODY so that I could relax and feel better about life. It was all about self-seeking and fear. I tried turning my family into my Higher power... as though they could help me... as though they had some kind of power over alcoholism! It was insanity on my part.
I don't do that stuff today. Today I go directly to my FAMILY OF CHOICE with my problems... and to Higher power. When I have a problem, the problem is ME, I am the one who needs help.
People like me so much better when I allow them the dignity to live their own lives, when I stay in my business. Every day, I gotta remind myself, I am not God. And for heaven's sake, neither is my family of origin.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 30th of June 2011 11:29:14 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 30th of June 2011 11:32:32 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
In the closing of our Al-Anon meetings the words "We understand you as perhaps no one else can", are powerful words. Those words remind me that the "Earthlings" (people who are not in the program) can't understand us like the members in our fellowship. They have not walked in our shoes.
I too in the past have felt the need to explain a particular situation, to inform and protect "myself" from the disease. Looking back at what I thought was the next right thing to do at the time, only opened myself up for questions from "Earthlings" who didn't "Understand me as perhaps no one else can."
For me it goes back to.....They are going to do what they are going to do, what am I going to do. I remind myself what a member I have tremendous respect for told me several years ago. "RLC, outside the rooms of Al-Anon I always let my business be my business." I have tried to follow her suggestion and anymore I don't have as many mountains that started out as mole hills.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 30th of June 2011 12:45:05 PM
I feel really blessed, in reading others experiences, to know that when I disclosed what was going on with my AH and myself, I received nothing but support and understanding from those I shared the issues with. I've got great family members and friends who know when to stay out of things and let me work out my problems in my own time.
I feel really blessed, in reading others experiences, to know that when I disclosed what was going on with my AH and myself, I received nothing but support and understanding from those I shared the issues with. I've got great family members and friends who know when to stay out of things and let me work out my problems in my own time.
Aloha..........Imm very luck in this respect too. I only have a small, thankfully non judgmental, family and once I let go of the disease I let go of my isolation much to their relief. I had no idea of the worry I was causing them.
The disease was like the elephant in the room and all my fears, disappointments and shame made it the immovable object.
They are savvy enough to remain detached from the A and all the chaos, it's none of their business,and I value, need and am grateful for their unconditional love.
