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I am the wife to a functioning alcoholic, the sister to a drug and alcoholic brother and the daughter of an alcoholic cop. When I met my husband he didn't drink much, well not in front if me maybe a glass or two of wine but unfortunately for me I didn't realize someone Who drank wine could also be an alcoholic , 1 yr later we were married, he had gotten sodrunk and nasty to me the nite before our wedding it almost didn't happen. This was my first eye opener to his addiction. I should have ran but it was the nite before the big day with my family so invested etc. I just went thru with it. Looking back now I think what he didto me was cruel, I ended up walking down the isle towards him hating him for the nite before. That's not the way you should feel on your wedding day, the day every girl looks forward to. Fast forward 4 yrs later and we have a 3 yr. Old daughter and I have a hubby that drinks a half bottle to a bottle of wine every freakin nite! Growing up with an alcoholic violent and emotionally abusive dad I knew I never wanted to be put thru that again and here I am. He is not violent but he gets so arrogant and makes no sense, starts arguments and makes me real uncompfortsble in my own home. He has thrown up from too much drinking countless times and broken many glasses and other things in his drunken stupor. He works in the medical field and is very professional and never misses work etc. Nobody would believe it if I told them he was an alcoholic. That's how good he hides it from the outside world. ( did I mention is father is a horrible drunk), anyway I'm writing in search of some support maybe some words of advice. Think so often of leaving but it wuld be very hard. We live a a beautiful home, and have great things but it's not worth it to me to stay just for convenience anymore. I should also mention I have an anxiety problem and I don't do good with change. I am so confused and don't know and don't. Want to deal with this anymore. He is a great person, and a good dad but when e drinks I can't stand that person. It's the biggest turn off to me ever!!!.
Hugs and you are so in the right place. Welcome!! Addiction in any form is extremely scary for all of us who love and or care about an addict.
Denial comes in all shapes and sizes, sometimes it's the size of a pea, sometimes it's bigger than a bread box and sometimes it's the pink elephant that is rampaging through the room that everyone goes out of their way to ignore. I have heard many things from my AH's family about alcoholism if someone only drinks beer they really are not alcoholics. Never mind how many beers they have, and an alcoholic is someone who drinks every single day not someone who can stop for any length of time.
I know in dealing with my situation I had to decide two things, I had to stop engaging my AH sober or drinking, that qualifies as asking questions I already know the answers to, stop nagging, asking, pressuring about drinking or pretty much fill in the blank. I had to stop doing things I knew was going to push buttons that included my own buttons. I also had to start deciding what is my business and what is not. I found that one the most difficult and at the same time the most freeing. When I started minding my own business I found out many things about myself. Somethings I like a lot and somethings I need to work on that are not so fun. Many wonderful things I had forgotten, the ability to laugh, especially laugh at myself over some of the things I would find myself doing. Laugh with my children was a biggie too, I stopped laughing at my AH and started to laugh with him as well. Believe it or not I have had fun. It is not easy all of the time no one said it is, my pain outweighed the payoff I was getting for not getting myself on a healthier track. I started having more energy to do things outside of obsessing over what my AH was or was not doing, did he drink, who was he talking to, the list is endless, and I wonder why I had no energy for me. I started being able to stop taking care of his stuff and start focusing on what I need to do for myself. Vomiting in my book would be his stuff to take care of when he got up. Yes, I know totally gross however I drew the line at specific things. It is no longer my job to clean up his messes that are a direct consequence to his choices. His consequences, he had to start dealing with them no matter how gross I found them. If it meant me moving into a different room, so be it until the mess was cleaned and to the point the room was livable then I could move back in. I was kinder to him though, I have been able to be nicer to him while I stopped being a doormat. My welcome doormat saying was "step on me, really it's ok" well that was the one in my own mind at least and apparently it found a stamp on my forehead. I have worked very hard to erase that. I am able to draw boundaries now without the need to feel guilty. There have been many different blessings my family has received just because I started by finding help for myself. I guess as much collateral damage an addict can dish out the reversal of the collateral damage can be felt by how healthy am I in this unreasonable situation. Because yes, it is unreasonable, if it wasn't and all of us could "fix" the addiction issue I would be the first one in line on that guarantee, the truth is we cannot fix anything to do with our addict. We can only focus on ourselves and live an unreasonable situation to the best of our ability.
Come back and post, read what others have written there is a wealth of stories on the boards around here. Please keep coming back because you are so worth it!! Hugs :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 09:44:30 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for your kind reply. It is really good to know I have support. Its also nice to know im not alone in my struggles and frustration. Im glad you are at a happy place and could find balance and yourself in the process:)
Dear Regi76, while reading your story, something you said reminded me of Lady Di (of England). She had evidence of his affair the week of her wedding and had second thoughts. Her friends reminded her that the towels were already monogramed----and the wedding plans for the largest wedding of all time were already in motion. So, she went thru with it. She cried herself to sleep the first week after her wedding. We know the tragic rest of the story. Poor Di--she was the crown princess of "people pleasers".
I just adored her, and cried when she died.
One thing that I do know is that material things have quite a hook----but ultimately they mean nothing if one's authentic self and sole have eroded down to the core---then they seem practically worthless. We are born with only our self and soul and we die with only our self and soul. Material things are the "stuff"scattered along the way. Material things take on symbolic meaning only to the degree they are associated with our authentic, balanced, life-affirming experiences along the course of our living.
Free will is our amazing birthright. It allows us to pick what we want---and live with the consequences that come (good or bad). We can exercise our free will any time we like. No one can take that away from us. As long as we have our mind, we have free will.
I have learned that above all else--"To thine own self be true"
Regie76, these are the thoughts that I offer to you from my life experience in the hope that it will be of some help to you during this difficult time as you are struggling to shape your life and that of your little girl"s.
In support and with Love, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 11:43:11 AM
I'll share a little of my experience. I was married to a once functional alcoholic, too. Looking in from the outside, we had a very good life. Since I didn't allowed too many people to come inside our home, except for family get-togethers, no one really knew the pain we all lived with daily.
My functional alcoholic became non-functional the last 2 years of our 36 years of marriage. He finally lost his job and was fortunate to at least retire. Most of all he lost his self-respect and is in the progress of regaining it after his 3rd rehab.
This disease is progressive. It can get really ugly.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings? There are so many posts that address the benefits of Al-Anon, so I won't go into it here.
I hope you will look in your area and attend some meetings to see if they are for you. I've been attending for 4 months and that has made a significant difference in my life. The depression has lifted and has made room for hope!
Hope you stay with us here on MIP!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I do sometimes feel like all I do is please others and boy does it get tiresome. Lady Di was a great great person. It was very sad to see such a person go.
I know at some point my AH's drinking will outway all the comforts and "stuff" I currently have and I will have to move on. I guess it hasnt yet gotten to that point. My dad was pretty violent and mean ( also very loving and giving when sober). when he drank so my AH in compairison to my dad is much easier to handle which is what makes it harder to say enough is enough.
I completely agree with you about coming into this world with nothing but our heart and souls and leaving in the same way. I was just really hoping to enjoy it with the "stuff" while here. I do good for everyone I am a people pleaser. I am always donating my time and money to help the less fortunate and I worked hard for that stuff I do have and have had to endure a lot so I do sometimes feel deserving of the superficial stuff ya know. We I can say that I have always lived with the motto do unto others as you would want done onto you. I have a good heart and an innocent soul hopefully that helps me out when I get to those pearly white gates.
Hello, Yes I know alcoholism can only get worse. I dont think I ever saw an alcoholic get "better" while still drinking. I saw it first hand with my father and brother so yes I agree is doesnt get better. For what ever reason I was born into a family full of alcoholics starting with my grandfather, father, cousins, and brother. Thankfully my mother isn't but she is very much an enabler. I hate the fact that I am now married to an alcoholic. I beat myself up about it all the time" how could I not have seen it"? I was soo keen on it and spent a lot of energy trying not to date anyone with ANY addiction. I just turned 35 and have this great 3 yr old who is a "daddys girl". I cant imagine he would even let me leave without a fight for her and I would never be able to leave her with him. I think he has only been alone with her once overnite since she been born and that was because I had to go away over nite for work. He starts drinking at like 6pm and finishes by 9 pretty much finishing a bottle of wine sometimes and by then he is of no use to anyone. God forbid if I or my daughter had an emergency. Uhhg I just hate alcohol!!! I hate the way it smells on their breath, I hate all the pain and suffereing it brings to people.
Hi Regi, I am new and not very experienced, as I just joined this forum, but I could connect with everything that you said. My father was a drunk when I was growing up, and I married a drunk, also. My husband can be sweet, loving and absolutley awesome...but when he drinks I feel hatred toward him. When we were dating, he drank, but I thought it would get better after we were married and had a family (8 years later... we have 1 daughter and another on the way). I was wrong. I found that the best thing I could do was talk to others. It was challenging, because I do not have friends in a similar situation as mine, but they are there for me to talk to. This forum has become a respite for me, and I joined not even 24 hours ago. I just want you to feel that you are NOT alone. After reading through some of the other posts, I cried in knowing that there were others in the same boat as me and I cherished the suggestions they gave me. My biggest mistake was feeling shame and failure and not wanting to talk to anyone else about it...because it felt like a mistake that I had made. I will think and pray for you, and best of luck!
My bf's drink of choice is vodka, boy do I hate that smell. It equals an instant attitude for me, but I have been getting better about it. I am going to a meeting tonight and boy do I need one. I cannot say enough good about going to the face to face meetings. I know its hard to watch someone drink a whole bottle of wine and go into oblivion...so when he is drinking, do things for yourself, that is what I try to work on. This program will help you, help yourself. You don't have to decide to leave, we don't advise anyone to do that. Just try to get to some face to face meetings, remember you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Oh man, Im sorry you have to go thru this being pregnant. I dont know about you but my husband wasnt very good while I was pregnant. he thought I was over reacting or depressed when I tried to tell him it was morning sickness and it happens all through out the day. He also fell asleep while I was in labor and walking the halls of the hospital with my mother. I think alcoholics are very selfish. They also can have a great nack of making you feel back by twisting words.
He is a great guy sober and I dont think anyone but me and my close friends know he even drinks too much. he can always show up to work and events and manages just fine. He has driven while drinking and once even with our daughter which I found out later. I was so pissed and still am about that. Its like when they drink they forget all the laws and common sense. I wished so bad that when he was driving drunk he would have been pulled over and in trouble may b that would be a wake up call. He bareley drives drunk because he usually only drinks when we get home and its so much I doubt he could find the car in that state.
Well good luck with your situation and as you see we are not alone in our struggles. Good luck with baby # 2
Thanks for your kind reply. It is really good to know I have support. Its also nice to know im not alone in my struggles and frustration. Im glad you are at a happy place and could find balance and yourself in the process:)
thanks again hugs in return.
Regina, Everyone has good days and what I call more challenging days. This week has been a good week. HA HA .. next week I could be hormonally challenged and nothing in my perception could go right or be right. I do not have it all down, it's just it really gets easier the more I focus on myself, everytime I have a good day it is something to hold tight to and reflect on during the not so fun days. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hello. I am new here as well... and I absolutely relate to your post. My AH is high functioning alcoholic. He's extremely successful and is very charming, funny, engaging etc around other people. He's amazingly warm, kind and generous (when he wants to be) --- when he's sober. He frequents bars and restaurants after work -- without me -- at least several times a week if not every day, and they all love him and think he's so great. That's because they have no idea what he's like when he gets home because I'm the one dealing with the fallout. There have been times where I've caught him at the bars and it's always me who always end up looking like the crazy psychotic one. For a time he was going out almost every night and coming home way after the bars would close because all these restaurant people would invite him out after work and of course they get into other drugs. They all say marijuana is the gateway drug -- but I say it's definitely alcohol. He has at least 2 -3 glasses of wine wherever he is, then comes home and drinks a few more. He polishes off at least 2 - 3 wine bottles a week at home, and keeps a huge bottle of tequila and whiskey as well.
I've thought I was going to go insane with all the lies and late nights and WOMEN -- I've caught him numerous times with other womens' numbers on his phone, and him texting and asking them out for dinner -- after only being married for 4 months! I was devastated. I totally think it was a mid-life crisis moment coupled with the alcoholism. There I was, many years younger than my AH and he was *still* trying to pick up other women in an effort to relive the good ole' days when women would fall all over him.
I was on anti-depressants for a while and I've been in therapy for a year. We've been to therapy together a couple times before but he always dropped out after a month or two because he "knows what's wrong and don't need therapy to fix it." He still refuses to come to therapy with me.
On top of everything else, now we are in heated battle over trying to conceive. I have been unable to get pregnant for over 2 years now and he refuses to try any kind of reproductive technology. He only wants to try the natural way. He already has one child from his first marriage (who is already an adult) and always oscillates back and forth saying yes, he wants another kid, then no he doesn't. Of course, this is my first marriage and I don't have any children. What kills me is that he won't even TRY. Not even once. I've asked him over and over again to consider it just once, and if it doesn't work out, then fine, at least we tried. I don't know what to do at this point.
Needless to say I am at my wit's end. I have no idea whether to stay or leave. I don't want to waste the rest of my 30s then 40s and end up childless and broken down. At the same time, I always harbor this sense of hope that maybe I can stick it out or he will change. I read another post yesterday that made me realize: I (unknowingly) married an alcoholic, but now I'm expecting him to not act like one. No wonder I feel the way I do.
Thank you for your post. I don't feel as lonely anymore knowing there are other people like me in a similar situation.
Hi there, just wanted to add that I totally understand. My dh isn't a classic alcholic(yet) but I had classified him as one because he had quit drinking 15 years ago. He had other mental issues that I thought would go away after he stopped drinking so I married him thinking things would change. They didn't. I didn't realize he was depressed, had anger issues, OCD, ADHD, and possibly a personality disorder. So, for us, removing the alcohol didn't make anything better. It was just the same and I have finally come to the conclusion that maybe he wasn't a true alcoholic but just someone suffering from a mental disorder who uses alcohol to numb the pain of depression, etc.
I'm not making excuses for him, either. I'm just accepting the fact that maybe I over reacted to his behavior and linked it all to the alcohol. My dh can be a great guy, too, when the stars align in just the right way. He's a great dad yet I'm still scared that he's headed down the path of abuse. We are like you guys in some ways: nice house, luxury cars, one child, and do well in society and belong to a country club. My dh works from home and his job is very stressful. I came home from grocery shopping today and smelled the alcohol on his breath already(forgot to mention that he started drinking again about a year ago). I have no idea how the rest of the day is going to go. Honestly, if he passes out on the couch it's no big deal. He spends about 7 hours a night in front of the TV every night since the day we got married. It's his other addiction.
I haven't been to any meetings. I think I'm wondering if I'll be judged because I drink. I don't drink every day. I have a glass of wine every so often, sometimes 2. I will have a very light beer every so often, etc. Anyway, I guess I feel that I'll be viewed as a hypocrite. The issue, though, is that I have a problem with my dh's drinking and the reasons he drinks. He drinks to quell his depressive and negative feelings, to go numb. I drink because I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a drink with friends once a month or so. Very different. I don't drink to 'feel better' or to suppress my feelings, that would send up a red flag to myself. So, that's why I have the red flag flying when it comes to my dh. His reasons are probably not the right reason to drink and it scares me.
So, this is what I've been doing lately. I'm leaving him alone. I really am working on detaching. If he wants to hide bottles in his office, I'm not searching for them anymore. Yes, he hides bottles in his office even though we have other alcohol in the house. I don't ask him how much he's had, I don't make comments when he's had 5 beers and I've had 1, etc. I have contemplated quitting drinking, it wouldn't be a big deal to me. But, I really don't want to change things right now. I want to see what my HP's plan is for us. I want to press myself to trust Him and to have faith that everything will work out in the end. I'm tired of trying to control everything around her with what I do or don't do. If I try to throw out all the alcohol, what's that going to do for us? He's just going to keep hiding it and sneaking it anyway.
I'm sorry that you are suffering. Finding a meeting in your area would be a great first step. Also, get the books they have recommended here on the website, they have been really helpful to me.
I haven't been to any meetings. I think I'm wondering if I'll be judged because I drink. I don't drink every day. I have a glass of wine every so often, sometimes 2. I will have a very light beer every so often, etc. Anyway, I guess I feel that I'll be viewed as a hypocrite.
Hugs ild, don't let the fact you have a glass of wine, a beer, whatever keep you from going to a meeting. The point of these groups are that we are not to judge anyone for anything. It just is what it is. I do have a glass of wine from time to time as well as a beer every once in a while. I can understand totally the issue of feeling insecure or whatever word you want to put in the blank. It is NO ONE ELSE"S BUSINESS if you choose to have a drink or not. I certainly don't go to a meeting and announce at the top of my lungs gee I had a glass of wine last week or last night whatever. If someone were to ask me I would be honest. LOL .. now I feel the need to rationalize the fact I have a drink and guess what!! I am not going to. What I will say is it is an individual choice if you have a drink or not, how you choose to handle that situation and so on is up to you.
Please go to a f2f meeting and do not use the excuse that you have an occassional glass of alcohol not to go. That is not a reason not to go to a f2f meeting, broken legs, can't drive, don't live near a meeting, those are valid reasons and good ones not to make a meeting.
LOL .. sorry soap box, I will step off, hugs ild, get thee to a meeting. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am married to a functional alcoholic as well. I don't know how he does it, but my AH goes to work daily. It is amazing that noone has caught on to his drinking. The alcohol smell comes out his pores. Yet, he is still working. After work, he drinks until he passes out. This is daily. I hardly ever see him sober. In fact, the last day I saw him sober (for a moment) was on Father's Day. He is in his disease, for sure.
I am praying to my HP to show me a way to get out of this relationship. It has not been revealed to me yet. One thing for sure, I go to meetings weekly. Alanon is my lifeline. Somedays I can cope with all that is going on. Other times, I have to resort to all my tools to keep my sanity. And, that is what I like about Alanon. It gives us tools and principles to live by.
I was working as a substance abuse counselor while getting plastered drunk every night. "Functional" is a tricky word. Most alcoholics do not live on the streets like hobos. While I may have had a job, home, and car when I was drinking, I had no real friends, no spirituality, took insane risks to my health and safety (and others), was ungrateful, selfish, lazy...
Did the job, car, home, and relationship make me functional? Not really...and it didn't make me less of an alcoholic.
I'm pretty new here at MIP too and still learning. This is definitely the place to vent and post whatever you're feeling. Its totally different to vent to people who know what you've been through versus friends/family.
Trust me my man is a func. alcoholic too. He makes it to work and is able to pay most bills etc.. His alcoholic mother doesn't think he has a problem. Infact the other day she said "His father and I dont think he's an alcoholic, we think he may just have a bad drinking problem" whatever..
He puts up such a front around other people specially his relatives that he's such a good guy. He's extra nice to me when they are around but man let me tell you, No one knows the BS he puts me through when we are alone.
He is one of the best manipulators and liars I have ever met!!! Believe me, I used to work in corrections and those fools know how to lie but my AH... He's something else.
Just like you I get soooo turned off by the smell of alcohol!!! his drink of choice is anything that will do the job (he drinks the cooking wine). Anyway I just wanted to say welcome!! from new comer to new comer I wish you the best in your recovery. :)
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
I was married to a functional alcoholic, until I discovered the term is an oxymoron. Alcoholism is a disease, there is nothing functional about it. Likewise, during the "functional" stages of the disease, I focussed on her, made excuses, felt alone (no one would believe me). In reality the only way to react to this disease when you are a "second hand" sufferer (or first hand for that matter) is to fix ourselves, because whatever the reason we end up sucked into the disease and rational responses to irrational situations just don't seem to work. Go to face to face meetings, you are not alone and you are entitled to support.
So glad you found us and alanon. I do pray you are already going or plan to start attending alanon meetings as soon as you can. You will find the love and support you need and people that can understand what you are going through. I walked through the doors of alanon sicker than my A who happens to be my son whom I love with all my heart unconditionally. I grew up surrounded by this disease and regret everyday that I did not seek my own recovery long ago while my children were young. Neither my husband or I are alcholics/addicts and we even moved away when our children were young so that they wouldn't be continually exposed to addiction. Unfortunatly while our children did not grow up in an addictive home my husband and I had, and we had dysfunfuctional coping skills and behaviors that we did pass on to our children and I believe genetics played a big part in our sons addiction. Alanon saved my life and my sanity not only in dealing with our son's addiction but in ALL aspects of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD and was in a severe depression with constant anxiety attacks unable to leave my home even and the wonderful people in this program and working the steps as hard as I could, I actually got my life back and that is priceless to me. I always hold out hope for my son to find his recovery but until then I learned how to detach with love. I can love my son and hate the disease. I am still and will always be a work in progress as this is a lifelong disease for the A's and for us. I have never known any alcholic/addict to be functional. I know people say it because thier loved one is still able to hold down a job or school but this is a progressive disease that only gets worse, never better with time until that person finds thier own recovery. I wish you all the best in your recovery Blessings
