Confused as to whether or not hubby has a problem..... - Al-Anon Family Group

quietgal · Newbie

Confused as to whether or not hubby has a problem.....

Kate1979 · Member

Hi quietgal,
I just posted something very similar to your post. My husband is similar, and I don't quite know what to do. I don't know what to tell you, but I will say that I don't think you are off base at all to worry. It sounds like an very destructive pattern. As I said before, my husband is in a similar pattern. I have told him that I think he has a problem, but he does not see it that way. Have you tried talking to friends about it? I was hesitant because I thought my friends would judge me. But I realized if they judged, they were not a friend. My friends helped me see that it was destructive behavior and it effects my daughter and I on a daily basis. I hope this helped a little. Hang in there

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, your husband and every other addict has to figure it out for themselves that they have a problem. They only feel attacked if we tell them we do. Us mentioning it to them is just that.

What they do is none of our business. I know that sounds strange, but we are adults and choose our own path. What we hope is that path is healthy for both spouses or whoever.

We cannot change the addict in anyway. We can let them know the I feel stuff about ourself.

I don't like the word should myself. The point is hon it does upset you. Not being honest with yourself is worse.

You are frightened and have every right to be. If he had cancer or Lou Gerigs or any disease, you would feel afraid.

With Al Anon tools to gather up we learn how to accept the A as is and possibly just love them, but expect nothing, remember again, they are very sick.

Its very ok to let them know how it is affecting you. Its how we say it. ex: honey I am not asking you to change, just want ya to know when someone drinks a lot it scares me. do your best to not say you, do your best to focus on how YOU feel.

We have to learn to adjust ourselves to living with an A. Myself I believe, especially if you have kids, to protect yourselves. Keep your own accounts, a vehicle in your name, house in your name only. Everything you have to do that you will be ok if the disease or when the disease ruins his life. It is a progressive horrible disease. We pray for them to go into recovery, following a plan to feel the best they can.

It does not go away. I have been left twice by husband who died drunk in a pedestrian accident, we had a four and five year old. I had to raise them alone.

Then after almost twenty years, a man I loved all my life off and on together had a brain surgery, he relapsed, brain damaged and he went away.

I honestly believe no matter what, we should always have a plan if we do lose our spouse.

We can learn to accept them as is and just love them and expect NOTHING. I mean a paycheck, dependability, good health, a supporter, taking care of us....we cannot depend on a very sick person. An A especially one who is not on a program of recovery, is not dependable.

Just not drinking is NOTHING. As they still have all the other symptoms. Al Anon can teach us to be strong and be able to live with it the best we can.

Please keep coming. Honestly the things that bother you can be made much easier to take with skills. Most of us believe our A is worth it. But again it is an individual thing.

Hugs, hugs! love,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome QG...Welcome to the board and I'm glad you found us. One of the definitions for pretending it isn't here is called the "Elephant in the Livingroom" and another is "Denial". One of the people who also knows he has a problem is your husband himself. He already knows what alcohol is doing to him and that he is powerless over being able to stop it by himself. He knows cause alcohol is doing to him what it isn't doing to you. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which is addictive and the progressive use of it over time results in insanity and/or death. It affects every part of the body it comes into contact with from the brain down. Once it is in there is no defense against what it will do...coffee, lots of fatty foods, pills, juices...lots of alcoholics use lots of kinds of stuff to try to block it and only after they have used it. Alcohol compulsion and obsession leads to alcohol addiction or as you have heard before "alcoholism" which can never be cured - only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease and if the alcoholic was to stop for a while and then continue it will pick up where it left off and often be worse in a very short period of time....that's about them.

About us? We have also been affect by the alcoholic in much the same way as the alcoholic is from alcohol without having the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we go thru all of the effects wide awake while they are not. We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic and also affect everyone around us as they do. We have much the same three choices as the alcoholic...insanity - serenity or death.

The serenity part comes in for me from being a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I learned how to recover my life and sanity whether my alcoholic/addict wife was still drinking using lying, cheating, stealing etc etc or not. Lots of the MIP family here also attend Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings. Easiest way to contact them is from the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and get the places and times where we meet. Another way is looked up afg.org on the puter and click the link for meeting in your area and it will show you there.

Glad you found us...please stick around for those who are coming up to meet you and read lots of the earlier posts so you know you're qualified to be here. (((((hugs))))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:
About us? We have also been affect by the alcoholic in much the same way as the alcoholic is from alcohol without having the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality therefore we go thru all of the effects wide awake while they are not. We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic and also affect everyone around us as they do. We have much the same three choices as the alcoholic...insanity - serenity or death.

Thank you Jerry, this is so very well put! QG, there are a standard 3 c's in our program. You did not cause the addict to drink, pills or whatever, you cannot cure it, and you absolutely will not control it.

It is horrible to watch a loved one become a train-wreck and I always felt I could see the accident happening and want to stop my AH from hurting themselves, our family, or someone else. The truth of the matter is we have no power over any addiction, the best we can do is take care of ourselves, find support groups to help us be present in our own lives and turn over what we cannot control to our HP. The stress of living with an addict without having peace and serenity alone kills the caretaker far before it kills the addict.

Please keep coming back to read, share and find hope for yourself. Hugs and welcome. :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome here, you have come to the right place. Alanon is for us, to take care of our selves. In order to qualify to be here, someone's drinking must be affecting you whether now or in the past. It was suggested to me when I first came here to try out at least 6 meetings for Alanon in a row, listen at the meetings, share what I can at the meetings and start reading the ALanon books like Courage to Change, One day at a time in Alanon as well as a great book called Getting Them Sober (you can find them all on Amazon)... The other posts here all have great experience, strength and hope. You are not alone, we all have been where you are at. When you have some time here, you will learn to stop concentrating on what he is doing and focus on you, your happiness and your own stuff. We are just as sick as they are, we need to learn to stay with our selves and not worry about what anyone else is doing. Take care of you!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you have found us, Quietgal. Please stick around, and also find face-to-face meetings for yourself. They say to try six because all of them are different.

I've found that we get so used to our loved one drinking large quantities that we are slow to pick up on how extreme the behavior has come. Two martinis and a bottle of wine per night (and every night) is going beyond moderation. Slurring is going beyond moderation. I believe that your instincts are correct.

Sadly, we have found that speaking to the alcoholic does no good. That's the definition of being an addict -- even when the effects are bad, they keep on doing the behavior. The alcohol makes them crazy for more alcohol. They are unable to see the effects and unable to believe that they have lost perspective. They come to this realization only in their own time, if they come at all. Sadly, 70-95% of them never achieve longterm sobriety.

I would guess that 100% of us on these boards have tried to explain to our alcoholics that their drinking is damaging and that they need to do something about it. Many of us have tried many, many times. If it worked, there would be no alcoholics. My alcoholic husband's responses were various: It was okay, he would cut down, because he didn't have a drinking problem in the first place. (He did not cut down, or pretended to cut down but didn't, or cut down for a short time but then drank harder after, or merely started to hide his drinking until I knew from his slurring and behavior that he hadn't cut down.) He agreed to go to AA, but then lapsed after a short time. He agreed to go to AA but lied about going. He denounced AA as a bunch of obsessed crackpots. He denounced me as so obsessed with alcohol that I needed therapy because I saw normal drinking as bad. (This after he had his driver's license removed for a year by the state and he was passing out -- but still my concern was "delusional.") Usually he would just say, "Yeah, I don't drink much these days anyway" -- and then an hour later he would be slurring again. The denial is mind-boggling.

What we can do is to learn how to take excellent care of ourselves and be happy whether or not they're drinking. That's where Al-Anon comes in.

Hugs to you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Why should you be afraid to talk about something with your life mate? You can always own your own feelings and fears and tell him how YOU feel without demanding he change or stop... In a healthy marriage both partners should be able to talk to each other and communicate or problems will fester. NOTE: That is my marital counselor repsonse and not necessarily what folks from Alanon would and will say.

Mattie is also right about becoming "used to significant others drinking large quantities." It is not normal to pass out nightly. You said he is a great father and husband. I am sure he has that capacity...yeah. A person can't be a great husband and father if they drink that much...If your child had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, he wouldn't be able to drive even. A person drinking that much is unavailable to you and their child on a nightly basis. It is self-centered to drink like that and pretend one is functioning perfectly. I know this cuz I lived that way a long time.

Now, with all that said, Alanon is about YOU and not him. You can communicate with him and set limits, but ultimately he will either drink or not drink and you have to examine your own motives and figure out what is going to make you happy and satisified in life regardless. Alanon is a good place to sort out your conflicted feelings in the presence of folks that will be welcoming, understanding, and have been through the very scary and confusing situation you are now in.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.