The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have an extremely warped sense of humor, it's years of growing up in dysfunction that I choose to find the absuridty in situations. It's easier for me to find the way out and ease the burden of the pain as well. Since starting alanon I laugh so much more than I used to, the genuine laugh not the bitter one I was more prone to do.
I choose not to view myself as being the crazy spouse, because as sig others to an alcoholic how does someone normal live in that atmosphere and not react to the abnormalty of the situations that surround us. It is not normal. Here we are sober trying to deal with someone else who has the benefit of numbing their pain through addiction. So not fun, so not normal.
Do I have crazy behavior, oh can I get an Amen to that one, yes, I have had some seriously knock down crazy 51/50 behavior (in the past .. lol). Am I crazy? No, I am coping in an unreasonable situation to the best of my ability just like the addict is. Plus I have the benefit of alanon which I did not have last year at this time, so how do I know I'm not crazy, well, a crazy person in my mind needs to be put away for a long time and there is no cure. Alanon is my cure. As I continue to put the focus on myself, work the program, listen to my HP, trust and so on, I am uncovering the person I want to be. A person of integrity, someone I can be proud of, someone who my children can look up to, someone my AH can come to without feeling he is going to be judged.
With that being said, and the fact I am not a crazy person, when I feel my behavior starting to come to a head and I know I'm headed for a 51/50 moment. I visualize a train pulling into a station. It's the Crazy Train and there is a one way ticket for as long as I want to stay in Looneyville. The question I ask myself is .. is it really worth it. The pay off I get for my behavior is that really going to change the situation, fix my AH, make my children proud and so on. So I stand on the platform of the crazy train station and picture myself waving goodbye to an empty train as it heads off in a direction that I no longer wish to visit and all I can think is thank you HP for allowing me to see I have a choice and for gifting me with the wonderful program of alanon. Progress not perfection. There is always hope no matter how dark the tunnel.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka...you found one of the keys to recovery...look back with lightheartedness, open mindedness, without self centeredness, ego and pride. You found your sense of humor and have stopped taking yourself soooo seriously...amazing!! Learning to use my imagination in recovery and discovering that sometimes the weird sound I was hearing that came from me was a laugh...my very own laugh was like discovering a distant planet in my towel closet...It was always there and God and Al-Anon led me to uncover it. 5150...I use to dispatch for the CHIP and could identify with each and every 5150 call that was put out...."Hey a relative" or "So that's where my other personality is at".
Absurdity of the situation is still a reality looked at from another angle and if it causes your heart to laugh and to sing...do it cause often times I'll find my laugh second to God's.
Your post is a keeper for me and a much deserved thanks for it. I'm gonna use the emoticon this time (((((hugs)))))
I often use a similar analogy. When the "insanity circus" is in town, Alanon reminds me that I dont have to buy a ticket to ride. The only way I can see the circus is in town is by going to Alanon meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and doing service work. Then and only then can I see that the invitation to the "insanity circus" is just that, an invitation. I don't have to argue or defend, I can just let the circus blow through.
51/50 (poor Britney Spears with her shaved head attacking the photogs with her umbrella, that's what I think of when I think about a 51/50), I've also referred to it as the "Jerry Springer Connection". Ever wondered if you are part of the elite who are outside the inside joke? Jerry Springer is going to come walking up to the door and ask if I want to appear on his show. I love the insanity circus it fits so perfectly with that analogy. Hey I have my days, yesterday I was having serious fantasies about setting fire to the infamous truck. i do thank God for my children being home for the summer, lol .. that's where I can find my peace knowing I would have to answer to them. I do question if I would follow through on an action if I were alone. Violence to a person is out of the question, a truck .. ehe .. I have my days ... lol. Like I said progress not perfection, knowing I have a choice is a good thing.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Progress not perfection. There is always hope no matter how dark the tunnel. 