I am really thanking my HP today for helping me find Al Anon and MIP.

Things got started Friday evening.  I was home from work and had gone to the grocery store.  My AH was on his way home, and he asked me on the phone if I had bought beer at the grocery store.  The conversation evolved into a discussion about how since he has been home (3 weeks), he has had at least one beer every night.  While I got more upset than I wanted during the conversation, I held it together MUCH better than I would have a year ago.  I communicated to him that I understand that drinking is his choice, and I communicated that the drinking has had a negative impact in my life, and gave specific examples (his emotional abuse, the lack of sex, his trip to the strip club, his visit to the bar during which he got a girl's phone number) but did not fly into hysterics.  I told him that I was telling him how I feel, but that I was not going to nag him about drinking and that I respect his right to make his own choices.  I told him that I will not buy beer, and that I wouldn't be bringing up the topic of drinking with him again.  He said a few hurtful things and it wasn't a supportive, collaborative conversation, but by and large he was much more calm than he has been in the past, and overall the conversation felt like a huge step forward for me individually, and for me as part of a couple.

Saturday we went to an event for his new employer, where the alcohol flowed freely.  We were there for about 6 hours, and my AH had a few beers.  He kept asking if I was going to be mad if he drank, and I just kept saying "no."  What felt even better was that was my honest answer...I refused to allow his drinking to affect my day.  We were there with the kids as a family, and I was focused on enjoying myself, not on what he was doing.  He kept justifying his drinking (like he always does), and I've come to recognize that as an outward verbalization of his inner guilt over his drinking.  I just nod or throw in an "mmm hmm" and continue about my own business.

Then Sunday I had a long talk with my mother, who is largely bedridden.  My brother, who is an active steroid and drug user, has been living with her for a few months.  Things have gotten difficult for her, and the conversation started out with her demanding that I call my brother and yell at him for being nasty to her.  Ultimately, she and I had a good talk about his behavior, the reality of his drug use, and how she needs to set boundaries designed to preserve her own emotional health (as opposed to boundaries designed to control his behavior).  I told her that I would be happy to talk with her and my dad, so that as a family we can create a back-up plan about how we will proceed to protect her should she decide to tell my brother he has to leave.  I turned the focus onto what SHE can do, and it made her feel a lot better.  It's clear that she feels particularly vulnerable and powerless because of her physical limitations and the fact that she can't leave the house if she needs to.  I felt like our talk empowered her to take charge of her own happiness a little, and we talked about concrete things she can do.

It felt good!