what do i tell the kids? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jeff · Member

what do i tell the kids?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jeff

I am so very sorry that your family has been so affected by this devastating disease . I am glad you found us and do hope you are also attending face to face meetings. It is hard for the children to understand the madness that accompanies alcoholism. I know I would keep it simple with the children and expalin that:

Mom is very ill and is in need of help Until the Professionals indicate that it is safe for her to be "mommy "again they will be here with you. Grandma and Grandpa are upset that mom is so ill and they disagree with the treatment.

It will all work out soon

In my prayers.

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 27th of June 2011 10:36:13 AM

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Jeff, I know that you are going through a very stressful time. I can see that you are concerned about the children's safety as well as having a respectful attitude regarding your wife's motherhood.

Jeff, how old are the children?

Sincerely, Otie

Jeff · Member

My guys are 10, 9 and 6......they are doing fairly well considering. But the questions continue.....

stephaniej · Senior Member

This past weekend, I had a very basic conversation with my 11-year old. We talked about alcohol, what it means to be an alcoholic, and we acknowledged the fact that her stepdad drinks beer sometimes. My message to her was that regardless of what her stepdad does, she can come to me about anything, and I will always keep her safe and loved.

Granted, we don't have the difficulties that you are having. If I were in your shoes, I would do exactly what Betty suggested: I would let my kids know that their mom is sick and it will be a couple more weeks before everyone can get together and talk about the best way for her to get better. I would say that in the meantime, they will be staying with me. I would be clear that their mom loves them very much, and the fact that she is sick doesn't change that. I would tell my kids that I love them, that I will always love them no matter what, and that my number one priority is to make sure they are safe and taken care of.

Good luck, Jeff!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I try to be as honest and simple as I can about the answers I give as the questions come up. I agree with Betty in keeping things very simple and letting them know they are loved and mom is doing the best that she can. It is easy and tempting to make a villain out of the A. My kids are 12 and 7. I get constant questions about driving and why can't dad drive, when can dad drive and so on. The "why" can't he drive is the hardest one for me. With my eldest child I have told her if there are things/feelings she can't discuss with myself or her dad that we will find someone for her to talk with, whatever is going on with her dad and myself has nothing to do with them. My eldest has stepped in trying to be the "fixer" I have had to pull her aside and explained that this is not her situation to fix, we all have our issues and some issues are more complicated than others however we love both of them and are doing the best we each can together and individually to deal with our issues. My 7 year old gets a much more filtered explanation, we love him always, being a grownup isn't always easy. We have had other issues pop up, I have done what I can to see they feel secure and have enough information that the situation is not scary to them not to much so it is overwhelming. My AH has been as honest as he can based upon the day it depends. The only place I put my foot down is lying to them. He can lie to me, he can lie to himself, lying to the kids is off limits as well as making them his partners. That's just me and how I choose to deal with this situation. It qualifies under how important is it for me, it's to important to allow it to pass. So far he has respected that boundary.

stephaniej · Senior Member

Pushka, I have a "fixer" too...I try to reinforce with her over and over that she is the kid, and it is our job to take care of her, not the other way around. I look for ways to teach my children that while it is a good quality to care about others and want the best for them, they shouldn't ever feel like it's their job to take care of someone else, or to make someone else happy. And that is a GREAT point about always extending the offer to talk to a neutral third party (a counselor) if a child feels like there are things he/she can't discuss with Mom or Dad.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Stephanie, ironically we had a f2f meeting last night and if the subject of being a caring person and being a caretaker came up and what the difference is, where is it healthy and not so much. I've been thinking about this subject, funny where our HP will lead if we only follow. :) I'm an odd duck anyway, caretaking is not my issue, controlling I got a double dose and skipped the class on caretaking. I can write a book on getting people to do what I think is best .. lol. I'm grateful my daughter is a caring person. Just like you said, being a caring person and being a caretaker is two totally different issues.

-- Edited by Pushka on Monday 27th of June 2011 12:59:43 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Jeff...great thread because of all the ESH which came back at you. This family knows, loves and supports. I can add that it is never too early or too late to talk about alcohol and consequences in an experiental way. What I know about it, what happened to me and how it is now. Much earlier I use to go after the addict wife and because of my lack of loving expression replaced by anger, blaming and vile the kids were driven toward her and I was finally directed to Al-Anon to learn the other (Love Always) way of living inside of my own skin.

Now I have told my grand-kids and with one Great (she really is) grand-kid in the world and given enough time I will give that ESH to her too. The kids need to know about the alcohol and alcoholism part, as a disease, and though the drunk parent(s) (cause we are just as affected) can do many absolutely insane and unacceptable things while caught up in it we need to hold up the chemical and the disease it runs within.

Share your experiences about alcohol, not knowing stuff, being confused, being angry, being f e a r f u l as a kid and ask a daddy. Keep coming back home to MIP. ((((hugs)))) smile

PS I use to counsel kids and sometimes groups of them and when they were small guys I use to kneel and talk with them so that I would come from their level and not some lofty place over their heads. (remember what it was like to be a kid?)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Kids just want to know the truth , tell them mom has a disease and when she drinks too much she cannot be around them , keep it simple they do not need to know the nitty gritty stuff , Al-Anon prints literature for pre teens that explains this disease much better than we can , it promotes respect for the alcoholic and offers a little insite into the struggle thier mom is having . it also reasures them that this is not thier fault . You did the right thing in not allowing your children to go with thier mother kids saftey first . Louise

Jeff · Member

My AW called and asked to talk to the boys. I ofcourse let her and she proceeded to tell them that I wanted them to hate her. That I was wrong in trying to keep them from her and that grandpa, grandma and her were fighting to get them back for good. She then proceeded to tell them that I hurt grandpa when he tried to come pick them up. (Grandpa and grandma tried to force their way into the house and take the kids. I am former law enforcement.....I stopped them and called the police)

I told them basically that things have happened that only the adults need to deal with. The police were called and they didnt arrest Dad because that didnt happen and grandpa was told to not come back. They understood that......my middle child then asked if I wanted Mom to have someone like a life guard with her while they were there. I told him that was absolutely what I wanted so they were safe.

I continued that mom was sick and that she loved them very much. They said there was a big hole or part of this they were not being given. I told them that they didnt need to know that stuff because it was for adults. I told them that I wouldnt say anything to them about their mom other than that she loved them. My middle son then said, "but dad, mom wants us to not love you with what she is saying."

Do I take solace in knowing that a 9 year old sees thru it or worry about my relationships with them in a toxic enviornment?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jeff

I think that you should take solace in the fact that you are being honest with the children and they feel safe enough to talk about the situation. In most alcoholic homes there is no communication. It is the "Do Not Ask Do Not Tell model".

I think that you handled the interaction with your children with remarkable compassion and wisdom Your children, like most children are very intuitive and smart . They see, understand and sometimes miss read situations. That you are being honest with them is a true gift.

.

You are holding to your principles and honoring your wife as a sick person. She is being destructive and trying to manipulate the children. It is a symptom of the disease!!!

I would not try to convince your children that what they understand and hear is wrong It probably would help to simply reiterate the facts that mom loves them and the symptom of her disease causes her to believe the incorrect things she is saying.

Still in my prayers

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 28th of June 2011 08:44:38 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 28th of June 2011 08:45:14 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

@Jeff, Big hug in a rough situation. You obviously love those kids and they are so lucky to have you for a dad! :)

As much as I would love to wrap both of my children in giant wads of that packing wrap you know the stuff that it's always fun to pop when a package comes?? Better yet I would love to send my 12 year old out with a hidden camera and a gps located in her shoes. I can't protect them from everything. Oh I can worry myself sick about it, the life lessons are still going to come. The best I can do for them is give them a safe place to go. Make sure they know I love them unconditionally and provide them with the tools or at least make them aware even if I can't give them what they need there are people they can talk to who can help all of us find those tools to deal with emotionally difficult situations. I do not advocate throwing any kids to the proverbial wolves. You are so doing the right thing in keeping the lines of communications open with them. Let them know you are there for them 1000%, if they are scared, if they have questions, give them honest answers, and let them watch you live your life with integrity, honesty, love, happiness, all of those things that you deserve. When you live your life in that place, everyone notices your kids are going to zone in on it. They will see what their mom does is not helping her or them. They are going to come to you with their fears, tears, joy, laughter and so on. Continue to do what you are doing, your kids are very lucky to have someone who loves them the way you do. Please continue to post updates, make sure you are taking care of you as well as you take care of those kids because you deserve it just as much as they do. I meant to add I encourage you to find out what your rights are in this situation because it sounds like there are going to have to be some boundaries for your s2bx that need to be in place so she can see the kids. Let the legal eagles sort that stuff out, just know what your rights are and someone said earlier do not give anything away that will harm the kids because you want to be the nice guy.

Jeff · Member

what is the best pre teen book or other literature?? Is there anything on line?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jeff Alateen has several books that you could review . I copied a few titles from the alateen site

For Teenagers Living With a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs by Edith Lynn Hornik-Beer (Jan 17, 2001)

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Excerpt - Page 22: "... school counselor and join a group such as Nar Anon, Alateen or Teen-Anon or any of the other groups mentioned in ..." Surprise me! See a random page in this book.

Sell this back for an Amazon.com Gift Card

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Living Today in Alateen by Al-Anon Family Groups (2001)

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pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I might try something like "Mommy is very sick and everyone is worried about her. We all have different ideas on how to help mommy, and that is why people are arguing and yelling. It is because we are afraid of mommy being sick and we don't know what to do." Of course it definitely needs ongoing follow up with affirmations that none of this is their fault and that you do not "hate' their mommy or want to keep mommy from them but just want mommy to get well first.

Clearly your inlaws have some issues with enabling. Don't buy that bit about not seeing the kids hampering her recovery. Right now she is not capable of parenting and has to focus on her recovery first. The whole family is bless that you are there to take care of the kids. Eventually, god willing, she will see it as a blessing that you didn't completely fall apart when she did.

Mark

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.