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This has been a very emotional last few months. My abfand I are no longer together...he broke it off with me. After 3 months of attempting this roller coaster ride again. Which i find almost humerous b/c I should have been the one to stand up to him. But I'm just learning these tools to learn to put myself first. Boy is it difficult! I feel I've dug this grave im in.. in away. I did really good the last time we ended things. We were apart for 3 years, but after a relationship failed with him due to all the very similar problems to why ours ended the last time... and my relationship failed mainly bc of the aex. The new man in my life just couldnt take it. Some how i justified it in my mind to go back to the abf. I listened to the o I know i have problems i want to change i will do anything for us. Haha he went counseling 4 times but there was no effort noted he was physically there but not really attempting. SO here i am now.....I know you all dont give advice but maybe if you could share ways to deal with the problems i am facing. Im not strong enough to be vocal in the f2f meetings yet so really only you all are getting to know me at this time. SO my a threatens me using our 3 year old son. He is making my life a living hell. I know I didnt cause it I cant Change or cure it....but then what do i do? Ok I've detached myself...Ive stopped feeding into his mean verbal abuse. But now its coming down to what is best for me and my son. Do the A's really mean what they say? Mine does he is out to make me suffer as much as he is suffering I believe. He is refusing to pay for our sons child care....wich is not in our current court papers for him to pay...so i guess if he doesnt want to he doesnt have to. Im an LPN and only work 32 hours a week b/c Im in school partime as well working on my Bsn. He is a foreman electrician and makes double what i do in a single week and only pays 75$ in child support a week b/c its what we agreed to a year in a half ago in our shared parenting plan. WEll daycare is 69$ a week I live pay check to paycheck. He is in the process of losing his house...he's not paying any bills b/c he is filing for bankruptcy...to give himself a "fresh start" Little does he know he still drinking still paying lawyers and court fees to stay out of jail still driving without a lisecense...there will be no fresh start. Money is not the real issue really i see its just another attempt to bring me down. My challenge is what can you do when you want to take someone back to court in regards to your matters when u dont have the expenses for a lawyer. He told our son this weekend that i didnt want him anymore. Which was not the case. He had the nerve to ask me if i could keep our son on saturday... his day to have him... so he could go to the strip club with his buddies. ARE YOU KIDDING ME....I no longer want to be the enabler to his bad choices...so now of course hes pissed i ruined his birthday im the selfless B*tch.....OUr son is paying the ultimate price. I know you all say not to make any changes for atleast 6 months after meetings but my life is progressively falling apart though. Who can help me? I know only myself and I'm here working on it I've been here almost daily and attended 2 f2f meetings this week....all as a newcomer. Im finding this really is my only hope to change my life around. Do You just ignore the A when they text you only answer if it regards my son. I want to help myself not feed into the rage and make it worse. I hate this disease! I know its ultimately up to my hp but i havent really ever been very spiratual. Im going to owrk on that too and go to church with my mom so I know that will come in time. Buts its almost like i dont have enough time. I know things cant change over night even though I'd like them too. WHat are some good reads. Are there lawyers who do good deeds. Does the goverment help single moms. I just need more tools i guess. Thank you all for listening and for your posts. It is so helpful there are much older wiser people than I that have gone through what i have and are here to give support! I cant thank you all enough!
I am sorry this is such a stressful time for you. Not advice but suggestions from situations I have been in and needed legal help at low to no cost, take what you like leave the rest. I live in a University town, there was legal aid through the law school for basic advice. On a county level there are legal action organizations that take on family issue cases for low to no cost, check the county phone number pages of your phone book or call any agency you see listed in the county pages that is similar in nature and ask for help finding any legal aid program. I found court forms to file for my divorce myself through both the county and state court websites that may also be an option. United Way has a quick first call for help line by dialling 211 (I think it is national) in my area, they can take your basic info and look through a big binder of program lists by type and then refer you to any programs that may accept you or have other ideas of places you can try. If the 211 number does not work find the local United Way number in the phone book and just tell whoever answers the phone your situation ... they've heard it all before, it will not be a surprise and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are asking for help and it is why they exist. Also the court clerk's office if they are cooperative may be able to give you local organization names or the form websites ... I am not sure on that one but maybe. It may be a good time to find your voice at your meeting, there are people there who have walked in these shoes too. Most of all ask your HP for guidance and that what you need be sent, it happens, every stumbling block I came to had an answer that showed up just when it needed to.
Knowing my options and figuring out the next best decision and best step to take helped me so much. The more information I gathered the better prepared I was for every situation that came up. Big hugs, you'll make it through, be gentle with yourself.
Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Sunday 26th of June 2011 11:24:50 PM
-- Edited by Jennifer on Monday 27th of June 2011 12:18:59 AM
United Way, the 211 number is the best thing I can think of to call, also contact your local department of social services. As for working this program, going to meetings in real time has been the only thing that has helped me feel like I am moving forward. When I don't go to a meeting I feel awful. I hope you continue to go, it works when you work it! Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Sweetie I'm soooo sorry. I feel your pain.. forreals.. We have so much in common I feel like I'm reading my own posts. I just finished LVN school and now just waiting to take my boards. I'm going to get my RN too :) and I have a 3 yr old (girl though).
As far as your ABF... are you sure we dont have the same guy? JK. I did some researching online and googled custody substance abuse or custody alcoholism and found a bunch of different sites.
I learned that in some cases they allow supervised visitation. I think it was on this site someone told me that their daughter's AH has just that. As long as you can prove they are alcoholics. IDK how that works which is why I contacted a lawyer. I live in CA btw.
I think if safety is a big concern you should be able to do something to prevent any harm to your child.
IDK if you got this pamphlet "THREE VIEWS OF AL-ANON" under "An Open Letter From An Alcoholic" it says: "dont let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice."
These Pamphlets really do keep me going whenever a i feel like crap. Trust me, it happens, mostly at night or when i'm alone I start feeling like a smelly turd because I use to humiliate myself for the sake of our "love" BS!!! My Ah tells me that I'm a loser and i'm the one who ruined our family because i'm such a bitch lol I mean its funny now but it really hurt my feelings.
One time he told my daughter to look at me and see how much of a whore i am. Now that is not funny. I had to center myself after hearing that because I might have slapped him. I couldn't cuz my daughter was there.
OH and if he EVER threatens to get physical with you again just hang up and call the cops. Maybe you should think about filing an order of protection.
btw I also contacted a family lawyer in my area who i have yet to call but once I do and get some info about custody rights etc.. I'll let you know if she gives me any useful info.
I'm here for you hopeful... take it one day at a time.
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
