in all our affairs................ - Al-Anon Family Group

MDK · Veteran Member

in all our affairs................

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a very uncomfortable place to be.

In fact, overwhelming. In my beliefs I am not free to remarry unless my spouse commits adultery, or dies.

I don't know where you are there. If it were me, I honestly would have to get away from the AH, and live on my own.Get myself together, and make a good decision. The truth is, you may just plain miss your husband and this other man is right there.

If you were away from them both, you may find your friend is not as attractive as you thought.

The torture of lack of affection and attention from A is all consuming. It hurts dang it! Mixes us up.

I am glad you have your friend, but I believe in getting myself together before I make huge decisions.

Hugs, great share, debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

A very lovely woman who was a family friend used to say (she was of the Bahia faith) "you cannot build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness." The older I get the more I get that statement. This is strictly my opinion, I don't believe that our HP puts new relationships before us that would make us feel guilty or shameful about something that is meant to be celebrated. Maybe it's time to take a pause and find out what is really going on with you, is it loneliness, is it fear of (fill in the blank), jumping into something new only provides a new distraction as seductive as new can be. It is easy to trade in a one headed dragon and wind up with a three headed if the underlying issues of what's going on with you are not addressed. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I know my marriage especially in the past year was not what I had in mind, I look now and see as lonely as I have been it pushed me out of my comfort zone and allowed me to find out some things about myself. Some I like and some not so much, I stopped feeling lonely when I stopped looking for or expecting things my husband couldn't give me at that time and some he still can't, maybe he never will I don't know. I have to find my own way to meet those needs and usually they have very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I don't know if what I've written makes any sense or not it's what I feel .. lol .. or the best I can express myself. Hugs!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi MDK

Congratulation on getting to Step 4 smile It is a step in which I truly found myself. This Step allowed me to own who I was and see exactly what I was doing to hurt myself.

I discovered that I was human Not perfect but very human with conflicting feelings. I carried a ton of undeserved guilt for "Having a Feeling" not doing the action not speaking the words but "Feeling" a Feeling This is a powerful place that you have found yourself. Remember feelings are not facts!!! they are feelings only!!

It is easy for me to deflect my feelings off to someone else and want to run away and not look at me I was told to remember that I take myself with me wherever I go. It is best to look at myself see who I truly am -- discard all the incorrect images I have ingrained in my soul and finally stand up and say

"This is who I am and this is what I believe " Trust these steps they will work miracles in our lives. Take no major actions in your life until you are clear and continue to care for your friend and hubby

I do like the quote that said" You cannot build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. " I would like to also say I cannot build my happiness on my unhappiness I must first let go of my unhappiness by working the steps.

Good Luck

MDK · Veteran Member

Thank ya'll soooooo much I need to hear this. It seems when I am home or at work during the week I am fine I can put it out of mind for a while and focus on me and the kids and my husband and work. On the weekends those feelings creep back in and I am left with butterflies in my stomach and my heart is pounding. Someone at work this weekend told me that HE needs as much attention as ME! Bridget OMG you are me I put on a happy face and try to act normal but I just feel like something is missing................ I want it back with my husband so much but I am not the type to sit and beg a man for affection because when I get rejected (even if it is not me) it still hurts a ton. I don't want to cheat or start over into something that could be a worse situation than what I was in..............but it is like something has to change. I can feel myself changing but my husband seems at a stand still and I love him dearly but he just seems like a zombie. Thank you guys for your kind words. I feel like I can open my eyes a littler wider each time I reach out for ES and H.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a magnet on my refrigerator which says part of the AA prayer, "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God..." The other part of this 5th step prayer goes on but it is this first suggestion that has the power for me because I have learned in recovery that there cannot be any reservation in my relationship especially when I comes to me thinking that self satisfaction ever came from reactive choices. That is what I did over and over again expecting a different result each time before I found and got into the program. Each and everytime I have acted upon happiness comes from and thru another relationship I hurt myself, the other person and my relationship with all of us.

As taught by an Alateen years ago (Rocket Science here) "Don'tcha know Jerry F...Happiness is an inside job." The program is about fixing my insides and when that is fixed there is nothing or no one outside of me I "need" to have to do it for me or to me. My past affairs were all about "what can you do for me" and then came the 12th step and having had a spiritual awareness the affairs stopped and happiness became an inside job and the very first relationship on the ladder for me today is God...then me just before others.

Wide subject for me and so very real to my recovery. ((((hugs)))) smile

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry what a great share, thanks!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have seen other people post things about the 3rd step prayer, and Jerry you now refer to the 5th step prayer where can I find these prayers?? Thanks for the share!!

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