The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So.. since my AH left 2 weeks ago I have not heard from him. His dad came by to pick up some of his things. (makes you wonder how old he is huh he's 25)
I explained to his dad the incident that had happened which led to him having to leave. Drunk shoved my mom. etc. I told his dad that if he doesn't let his son face the consequences of his behavior while he's drunk he's never going to hit rock bottom.
He agreed and said that he wouldn't allow my AH to stay at their house but of course that was just talk. I find out today that my AH is still over at his parents.
His alcoholic mother called me today (my birthday) left a message asking if they could pick up my daughter so that my AH can see him tonight.
I dont feel very comfortable with this idea because of two things.
1. Everyone in that house drinks except my AH's dad. (he barely drinks) and they have pool w/o a gate.
2. I feel like if I just let my daughter go over there so he can have fun w/ her for a few hrs w/o having any responsiblity then drop her off while he goes and get boozed up some more.
His parents do everything for him. THe way I see it if he really wants to see his daughter he should be the one to initiate it not anyone else. I dont want to take my daughter away from her dad but whenever he and i split up (this is the 3rd time) he could care less about her. He won't help financially or physically unless I ask him too. He would not even make the effort to visit her. I was the one who would bring my daughter to their house so that they can get to know her.
I'm just so tired of trying to do what I think is right. I dont want to be blamed for not having her father around but what am I supposed to do?
He complains if he even has to change her pull up in the morning. I'm just so tired of everyone covering up for my AH. But hey i did it too. I know there's nothing I can do about the other enablers in his life I just wish they could see how its really not helping anyone when they do.
I know that youre not supposed to give advice in al-anon but I really would appreciate any input and I do understand that whatever I decide to do is MY decision. :)
Thanks yall
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
It's such a hard situation when children are involved and there are safety issues at hand. It would highly depend on the age of the child in question for me. Younger than 7, I think there are good concerns about the gate on the pool and so on. I know women with older children who have allowed the visits and dealt with the disappointment as well with their kids and they put it on the ex-AH being it is there responsibility to get there when they say they will, pick the kids up and so on. It's a hit and a miss, however the mom's I have watched have not taken responsibility for the relationship. I don't know if that makes sense or not. One of them in particular stands out in my mind because it was how she phrased the statement to her kid when they were angry with her that once again the AD dropped the ball again. Who was suppose to be there to pick them up. Who didn't show. Who dropped the ball. Those were statements the mom said to the child and the kiddo got it. They weren't happy about it however it is not our responsibility to foster the relationships with the addicts in question. I don't know if that helps or not just like you said you have to decide what is right for your kiddo. Our kids especially have to learn how to have healthy relationships with the A's to help them (the kids) as they get older and deal with life situations. In the long run unless there is abuse going on towards the children it's a good thing for them to understand how all of this affects them.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Happy birthday! Sorry to hear what you are going through. You have come to the right place for your own recovery. You are right, Alanon gives no advice. We share our experience, strength, and hope. You mentioned that your mother-in-law wants to pick up your daughter and you have concerns because they are all drinkers, except your father-in-law. The program/Alanon tells us to put safety first. Whether it is for us or our kids, safety must be first and foremost. In terms of detachment, we learned to separate the person from the behavior. The alcohol is what makes the As behave in way that are unacceptable. To keep our sanity, we detach with love. We stop reacting to the As behavior. We learn to put the focus on us and our recovery. This can be done through face to face meetings, online sharing, reading Alanon Approved Literatures, sharing with a sponsor, sharing with another Alanon member, working the 12 Steps, etc. There are many resources online at www.alanon.org or google Alanon. This website here has tons of resources. Take it one day at a time. Keep reaching out on this forum. People are loving and caring here. You will get a lot of support. Sending hugs your way.
there are a lot of ways to work emotional detachment in your life-- make your priorities your new focus, not what he is or is not doing. I personally would not trust an A with a houseplant but then again I have had to learn that the hard way. You cant tell his dad to stop enabling and then you continue to worry more about him then he does and make an effort to avail yourself and your child to someone active-- there is no guilt in taking care of yourself and doing the right & healthier thing for YOU, your life and your baby's.
I did not feel any freedom from the emotional enmeshment until I set boundaries that protected me and my well-being. As the mom you need to do that, set boundaries around your daughter and keep her protected and safe.
We codependent enalbers must learn how to take care of our own needs or we are always resentful and helpless because we are not taking accontability for our own lives. Learn how to stop enalbing and do the next right thing for you. Share with other alanon members and learn coping skills from them to apply. We cannot save them and if we make it easy, they suck our lives dry until we stand up for ourselves and show others how we wish to be treated. I had to find my own self-resepct and self-esteem before I could convey that to others. Make choices that allow you to feel your own respect and it will get better. kcb and working it for YOU, others must come to terms with their lives and consequences on their own.
To me detacment is about my own respect, not rushing to solve it for them but to work on the solutions in my own life. I do what I can control and change and detach with love from other's feelings, issues, attitudes, whims, binders, opinions and unresolved junk too. What they think of me is none of my business, what I think of me is what counts. If you do what is healthier for you and self loving, self respecting- this is what will allow your esteem and confidence to grow. Learn to be the center of your own life. I learned if I wanted my b/f's attention it worked best when I did not think about him and stayed busy and manifesting what I did want to grow in my life, the positive nurturing things that suppored my program. Know that they do get threatened when we change our energy's focus. The A's are very much in tune with where and how they get enabled- the biggest thing for me was my own focus -- and learning to recognize the bait and not fall for the fight and the drama-- and remember everything is bait! lol
There is a lot of hope and you can get your life back! Recovery is self-discovery!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
From my experience I would never leave a young child in the care of active drinkers.
My grand-daughter (4) has an active A father, whos own Mother is an active A, and the only time my daughter lets her see him is for short supervised visits when she is accompanied by( his) Aunt who has never drank in her life. She never sees her other Granny, who is unable to be any kind of positive role model/nurturer to her.
These visits to her Father are also now being reviewed as he's descending ever further into the disease and his behaviours are unacceptable. He screams about ''his rights'' it's all about him him him....first and foremost.....he's completely unaware of how his actions are detrimental to his child's stability. At this moment in time he is unable to be a ''parent'' with all that that entails.....he can't look after himself, never mind a child.
Do what you feel is right for YOU and your daughter. Other people may not like your choices but as the Al-anon saying goes.....''what other people think of me is none of my business''
Keep strong, keep posting....go to meetings if you can.
I find this helpful...............http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
I talked to my AH mom. She came over this afternoon. I spoke with her on the phone last night but we just really had trouble communicating, I was probably too emotional and she seemed a little drunk.
Anyhow I told her that as long as there would be no drinking around my daughter that it was fine if they wanted to spend time with her. She swore that things have changed since her son came home and that they were all trying to be supportive by not drinking around him. I'm hoping that she realized that she has a problem too but that's a whole other ball game. I made it clear that I didn't want everyone to be drunk and stoned when she's around.
Whenever we went over there for Sunday dinner me, my daughter (3yrs old) and AH cousin's daughter (2yrs old) would stay inside while everyone else partied. Drinking and getting stoned on the back patio.
I explained to her how strongly I felt about the safety of my daughter and that I needed her son to acknowledge what his behavior while he was drinking had caused. She finally understood where I was coming from and agreed that he needed to accept his responsiblities.
I received a letter well it was more of a note from my AH. It said that "it sucks things end up this way... no one is to fully blame... I admit sometimes when I drink I change. I am going to take alcohol classes and this is my decision no one forced me to. I love our daughter it hurts my heart not to see her, i know you know I'm a good father" SIncerely A.
I guess its a start but boy was it a slap in the face! I needed to hear/read that he didn't love me for me to realize that he doesn't. I am happy though because atleast he is trying to get help and this will be beneficial for his and our daughters relationship.
I just want to say thank you to everyone here in MIP. Without this place I dont think I can be a strong as I am now. I finally feel ready to work on loving myself and boosting my self-esteem. Thanks a billion :)
xoxoxo
-- Edited by Betterfuture on Sunday 26th of June 2011 07:58:44 PM
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
Betterfuture I can relate to everything you are posting. I am 26 with an Abf well ex now! I too have a three year old and am finding it difficult where to draw the lines. This message board has helped me out alot too...everyone gives such good outlook and perspective on things. i think we have to remind ourselves thats its not about the A but about our well being and our childs. It's their life and their choices. I have to learn that no matter how angry and verbally abusive he is to me when I tell him no....its for mine our my sons own good. Him acting out is his choice which may or may not have consequences. Alcohol is a horrible disease its very sad to watch the people we love destroy themselves. Your doing a great job love yourself and your child. I feel your pain and frusteration and confusion. Hopefully we can get better together! I look foward to more of your posts....this one and others responses have helped me as well. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! Read the serenity prayer a few times a day it really helps me to keep reminding myself.
