The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working hard on my recovery, going to meetings each week and working the steps with my sponsor. My partner has been acting resentfully towards me for a while now. He blames me for his moods and the things he feels resentful about.
I have been working hard not to be critical and controlling and doing everythign I can to stay out of his business. Today I got confused about what was my business and waht was his and asked him to do something I didn't need to ask him to do. His response was to rage at me, and to delete me and block me from his page on an online networking site, in full public view of all our mutual friends and family members who are linked there.
I feel shocked, hurt, publicly humiliated and attacked. As much as I have been changing it has felt like he has resented the changes and when I make a mistake and go back into old behaviours he judges me and condemns me. There is no compassion or empathy for me at all and constant demands for me to be compassionate and empathetic towards him.
He has never blocked me onlinebefore and the spite involved in that action has really left me feelign hurt.
He gets to behave badly and I am expected to accept his justifications for it, and when I make mistakes and unintentionally get confused, he gets to lash out and be hurtful then too.
I feel bullied, attacked and deeply hurt by his behaviour towards me. I haven't done anything to justify it. He has broken off our relationship repeatedly in the past and I have gone into panic that he has rejected me. Now I feel furious that he would treat me this way and angry that he could be so hurtful on purpose.. It is not ok to hurt me like this.
I ask myself the same question for I have been in that situation before numerous times. I dont know how we can let other people affect our us so deeply, maybe its because we love them. I cry all the time wishing that things would change and he would care that what he does to me hurts.
MIP is really the only thing I have where I can vent freely about how I feel. I do have family and friends who love and support me but its different when I know that the person who is listnening to me has been there before.
Don't panic. Don't give up hope that your life can change. I tell myself everyday that one day I'll be free off all this hurt and that my scars from years of mental, emotional and physical wounds will heal. I try to give all my problems to my HP but still have difficulty letting go.
Maybe you contacted your qualifier because you wanted his attention and wanted to see if he cares enough to do anything for you. I do that too however I've been going strong for 2 weeks and have not attempted to speak to him. That may sound stupid but trust me thats a big step for me. Even though I know he screwed up I will be the one to call to try to mend things. I wish i would have done it sooner because he hasn't even bothered to try and contact me. It hurts but I figure well atleast its peaceful around the house and i'm not stressing my self out yelling and fighting. Anyway, if thats he wants it then fine. I want to be happy. Trust me it SUCKS to feel like the person you love can give a rats a$$ about you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is what I keep reading from posts for people who have grown from al anon and they always remind you to work on YOU. LIVE YOUR LIFE. I know there are people on this site who is going through or have gone through the same bs as me and you. I read posts from people who are on the same page as me like you and those who have worked their program and are happy with their lives. They are free!!!
That's where I wanna be and thats where I think you wanna be too.
Cheer up. Our lives are waiting to be lived. :)
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
Hugs Freya, I had a similar situation happen with my AH and you are right it is totally humiliating and it hurts badly. I felt just like you described, as well as shed a lot of tears. There is no easy answer to why someone we love would do that to someone they love and care for. Keep up the good work that you are doing for you. Keep moving forward in your own progress because the end result for you will be the lasting change where you will find the peace and serenity to have a beautiful life and you deserve it!! Whatever it is that he is feeling it's his stuff and his acting out that has nothing to do with you personally. I think I saw something that I have been utilizing in a huge way is the QTIP. I have stopped myself many a day and said, Quit Taking It Personally. It's a totally reflection on him and his issues. I have chosen not to engage my AH when he has decided to go down that road. I know what my truth is and I truly am ok with it. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, I know I can choose to react differently to these situations.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There is no compassion or empathy for me at all and constant demands for me to be compassionate and empathetic towards him.
That certainly struck a chord with me. This is exactly how I have been feeling about my ABF. He's a moody guy, and it seems like every second day he's telling me he's had a bad day and to be "gentle" or be "nice" with him, so I make an effort to be extra cheerful and tiptoe around his sarcastic/sulky remarks. Yet if I'm tired after a day of work and not as perky as usual, he says I'm being "cold" or "distant" or "controlling".
Lately I've had a lot of yardwork to do and he's pretty miffed at this taking time away from him. But the new Recovery Me isn't going to go into people-pleasing mode and let the yard get overgrown (and cringe every time I see it) or try and cram my chores into a free hour here or a free hour there -- the new me is going to take care of my responsibilities, when it's convenient for me. This is the best way for me to avoid resentment.
I just keep reminding myself of what I've learned in the program, that those close to us often resist the changes that we are making. That allows me to see his behaviour as an attempt to manipulate me back into being a compliant people pleaser. As long as I can frame it like that for myself, it's easier to not take it personally.
Sometimes, though, the best I can do is just keep "Don't react!" at the forefront of my mind.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Your partner doesn't seem to be working a program for himself, correct?
This reminds me of what canadianguy suggests others do: imagine the letters "SSS" on his forehread to remind you that he is sick.
Alcoholism is a disease, as you know. You can't take what an alcoholic says or does personallly. Lord! I did for too many years. I now know that I was so wrong and tormented myself needlessly.
Keep working your program. It will get better.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I think boundaries come in to play here. What are you honestly willing to deem acceptable? It's hard sometimes to define where the boundary is when we're in the mix. It has been said to treat yourself as if you were your best friend. If she were going through this, what would you want for her?
It is also said that "we teach people how to treat us". Again, boundaries. We all must find our own. Without them we have no barometer
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you so much for your responses. They have made a huge difference to my day. I went out yesterday to visit friends and also talked things over with my sponsor. Today I have more perspective on my responses to his behaviour. I went into feelings of panic and rejection yesterday and put down my serenity. I'm off to a meeting today to work my programme and bring the focus back onto me. Thank you for kindness in writing your responses, coming here and being heard has made a big difference for me. Freya.
