The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended an online alanon meeting tonight, my first one. The subject was talking about taking care of yourself. I hear myself pretty much everyday telling clients (i'm a psych nurse for those of you that don't know) "you need to take this time and concentrate on you. you can't take care of anybody else until you take care of yourself." And I hear myself asking client's all the time "if that's the advice you'd give to someone you care about, why isn't it good enough for you?"
So why isn't that good enough for me too?? Why can't I really take care of myself? Everyday I'm pulled in so many directions. My husband asking me to do this and do that, since he is on the road as a trucker and can't do much. Then I go to work and take care of those that are not mentally stable or are going through physical withdrawls from alcohol or heroin or other illicit drugs or drugs that they abuse. Then I'm having to take care of my animals that I love dearly...especially my older cat as he is not doing too well. Then there's my family pushing me to go and take care of my grandparents since my mom did that, but since she's passed away nobody has really "picked up the torch." When I do come home from work around midnight, i sit online for a few hours and play frontierville on facebook, post on here about how i'm not getting any better and how i feel my life is spinning out of control. Then I go to bed only to wake up and do it all again.
No wonder my view on my life is horrible!!!! I'm not taking time to even enjoy my life. I'm simply excited by the fact that I'm able to keep a roof over my head for another couple weeks. I don't ever take the time to enjoy life. Even when my husband comes home. I'm trying to make sure that he doesn't have to do anything since he's been on the road and he needs some rest. I don't even sit down and knit anymore like I used to. I don't watch any tv that I -really- enjoy. I've even stopped taking my medications. Not purposely, just in all the hectic things I've been doing in life, it simply slipped my mind. Same with personal hygiene...I'm doing the bare minimum to ensure that I don't smell when I go to work.
When did it come back to that? I know I was like that when my husband was drinking. I know I was so busy trying to make life easier for him so that way he wouldn't drink, that I made life unbareable for me. Now he is sober, but it's almost like I'm falling back into old habbits to please everyone else, to ensure that he doesn't feel like giving up when he comes home. Is this common? after the A is sober to do things in fear that he will relapse, or in fear of what others may think or do.
I need to take time out for me, but in the same aspect I feel guilty about it. It always seems that when I do have plans to do something enjoyable work calls (I have 1 full time job and 2 contingent jobs) and then I feel guilty about not picking up the shift. I'll go on and on about not getting any shifts and then when they are offered I decline them. Then i'm stuck with money problems and I become stressed, and then i'm miserable anyways. I live by a saying that God/HP helps those that help themselves. So I almost always feel that I need to be working to get out of my debt and to maintain a roof and be able to afford to eat. So I work and work and work and pray that this will help God to help me. What am i missing?
Kristi, Good morning, I am so glad to see your post on self care. I can completely relate to what you shared.
For me it begins in the morning with my cup of coffee and begin a conversation with my HP, inviting him into my day. Quite time with my HP is so very important. It is when I listen to Him, quiet the noise in my head, and clear away my to do list for the day. I ask that he direct my thinking and actions and teach me how to live, do my step work on my knees, and that He keep me harmless only of service. This is how I anchor my self in the moment and humble myself to my HP by asking for help.
Before I came into the program I was an army of one, always busy doing many things, but not taking care of my self very well. Going to face to face meetings and working the steps with my sponsor for me is a priority of my self care. I like to attend seven face to face meetings a week. I have realized over the years that if I don't put God first, me second, everyone else third, then I am no good to anyone.
Alanon is a program of action. One of my favorite slogans is "Let it Begin With Me". When I take the first step of hitting my knees one day at a time, my life became more manageable. There is a wonderful bookmark in Alanon face to face meetings called "Just For Today". Here are a few of my favorites:
JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself
I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, I will try to get a better perspective of my life
I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Dear Kristi, any luck with locating professional help with your grandmother situation? I know you can't just snap your fingers and have it done---it seems that every thing takes time.
Kristi, it sounds like you are getting worn down to a nubbin from being chronically overextended. GIRL!!!! you know this has got to come to a stop!!! You gotta get radical.
How do I know? Been there. My heart goes out when I see someone in your situation.
Kristi, I am not being critical ( God knows, you don"t need that right now). You are right to ventilate it here where people understand.
Easy does it, Christi. Just want to touch on the question regarding your AH being sober and the fear of relapsing. I am sure you already know that relapses are part of this disease. Your AH will stay sober one day at a time. His recovery and his sobriety are his business. He must be accountable for himself at all times. Sounds like have reached a bottom, Christi. This is a place to let it hang, my sister. Take a deep breath. Relax. It is going to be okay. Just for today, I will focus solely on Christi. The world around me can go on as it will, without me. Just for today, I will do what is important to ME. Just for today, I will find 30 mins. of quiet/ME time.
All of your words have really given me alot of motivation. I have spent today at work, but during my free time, really reflecting on the main stresses in my life. When I really looked at it, it's not more that what everyone wants. There may be a few more things thrown in there. I was reading some passages out of Hope For Today (page 30). My favorite part:
"How Important Is It? I close my eyes and begin to look at my situation in a larger, maybe even universal context. First, I imagine my little apartment and then my town. I visualize my state and then my country as if on a map. Then the whole world comes into view. If I need to, I even extend my imagination into the planetary universe and the Milky Way. I think of all the living beings in this great big world and I ask myself How Important Is It? The larger my world becomes, the more my problem and I shrink. In the grand scheme of things, what I'm dealing with usually is not earth-shattering."
How inspiring. It shows that I really need to do some me time with reading Al-anon literature and studying the steps and traditions and slogans.
Otie- no professional help for my grandparents yet (my whole family thinks it should be me since i -am- a professional, and my grandparents think they're just fine!) I've decided that I love my grandparents and I will do what I can to help out, BUT it is NOT my responsibility to take care of them every day or to plan my life to revolve around them. As much as I love them, and as HARD HARD HARD as it is for me to say and do....my uncle (also another A in my life) has been doing OK thus far. I'd say he's a functional alcoholic and is able to take care of them without any danger being imposed on them. I love how you say that i'm chronicly over extended....that's a very "nice" way of saying burnt out and then some. Which I am. But, in order to try and change my views, I LOVE what I do. I get soooooo much fulfilment with it. I don't make much money, but you can't put a price tag on loving your job. It does help me to vent on here, to know that there are other people that understand and give so much support.
Otie