The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im here to vent, to seek comfort, for someone just to tell me that it does get better! I have just started seeking out al-anon which i've learned of through my counselor. My abf's birthday was yester day we had good plans. It ended sadly! He came over and was fine then went into a rage taking it out on our 3 year old. I cant do it anymore! And I wont! He ended things last night with us again. Ive cried and been depressed all day have begged and pleaded with him. Ask the question of what have i dont to deserve all this. WE have shared parenting over our son. This is his weekend! He had no liscense bc of an icident about 3 weeks ago...dui that he will probably get out of. I tell him im on my way to drop off our son. He texts hes not home. Where is he? at the bar drinking.. driving there with no license. He just doesnt get it. I do not want my son affected by this disease. I refused to take him to him. He then made threats to come punch me out! What do u do? I dont care what court papers say i will not put my son in harms way especially one who cant defend himself. My three year old has seen way too much already. Im over it! I'm over the drinking over the rages over the verbal abuse just done! But now how do I move on? It seems impossible. I willl constantly worry about the safety and well being on his days to care for our son. I will never understand this disease. Im angry so angry it has taken over my life as well! I will continue to find strength through all of you but I believe I have one tough road ahead. Ive been here before and I always go back I always try to make him change I believe all his promises only to be hurt and stomped on over and over again....Im only 26 and 10 years ive fought this fight!Im done I cant do it anymore! I deserve better...I want better. I hate myself for allowing my life to be this way. Im disgusted absolutely disgusted with myself.
I know you just attended your first alanon meeting yesterday. I do so hope you are able to continue to attend meetings at the current group or perhaps others. The best thing I have done for me and my family was to attend alanon on a regular basis and to get a sponsor and work the steps.
The truth is there was nothing I could do to prevent my spouse from drinking. The only thing I could change was me. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Alanon has taught me how to have boundaries with loved ones in my life who still choose to drink.
Living one day at a time, focusing on myself, and building a relationship with a power greater than myself has helped me through the most difficult times. The program really works if you work it. My homegroup has a closing somewhat like this:
If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Let the love, understanding, and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.
As Tommye said, I hope you get to more meetings. Welcome here! There is hope and going to meetings and finding people to talk to who have been there in real time is priceless...take care of you!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hopeful, Im literally crying as I read your post because I am going through the same realization...we don't deserve this. It's so easy as an outsider to see that you deserve better and you should be without your abf...but when you yourself realize that you can't deal with the damage anymore, it becomes real. I feel your pain (literally) I fear the outcome of this break up and what's going to happen tomorrow or a week from now. Will he try to retaliate? Will he hate me forever? What I have had to do is just turn my life over. I have never been very spiritual, so this is very difficult for me. I just know that whatever happens, my higher power is going to be by my side to help me through it. Talk to your higher power and ask for his guidance. You cannot control your abf's actions, feelings, opinions or anything else. What you can control is yourself and how you live your life. I know it doesn't feel like an accomplishment, but you are taking care of yourself...bravo to you. It takes all the courage in the world to make yourself happy and stop focusing on others.
As others have said to me on here, take care of you. As hard as it is, try to let go of him just for today. Who knows where you'll be at tomorrow...but for today you need to let go and focus on each moment as it comes.
Dear hopeful, I think you are getting good guidence from the other posts.
The more you attend to yourself the more that precious, innocent and vulnerable 3 yr. old is going to benefit. He is like a little sponge right now---absorbing all of the energy in the environment around him. He doesn't understand much of it, but he sure is feeling it. He feels both the good--when it is healthy, and the bad---when it is toxic.
The sweet little guy has no choice---you are his only voice. Continue, as you are doing and take good care of his mamma!.
Ottie , You asked if it gets better. I cant answer that question because everyone's circumstance is different and every alcoholic is different. There are basic tendencies of the alcoholic and that is if an alcoholic is sober he seems to recover his values, his boundaries, and saner choices. There are two people living in the body and mind of an alcoholic. The sober one and the altered one, when under the influence. Also, there is the difficulty of the compulsion that makes them want a drink at all times. I hear that gets better after a time.
I was married to the alcoholic for 26 years, we have been apart for almost 4 years. My boundaries are that he cannot be around me if he is drinking, I dont allow it. After 40 years of his professional drinking(thats what I call him "a professional drinker", he has been close to death at least 10 times, been in and out of 6 treatment centers, created a new family while under the influence, and still married to me. lost his 26 year job, had a costly DUI, was almost homeless 6 months ago, went into sober living, started to rebuild his life, found sobriety, got a new job, a car and started to find himself again, that has been six months for the first time in his adult life. Well, fastforward to today, he has been drunk for a week, hasnt shown up for work, living in his car and on a binge. He came here yesterday, but I refused to speak to him and told him to leave.
Thru all of these years, I have been in Alanon, I am a practicing Buddhist, I have worked on myself and traveled my path, not his, he has his own to follow. We must not get confused about the boundaries of being husband and wife. I dont buy the hype about being One. We must be true to ourselves and do whats best for Me first, then others. If there is nothing for me, then there isnt enough for you. This disease can suck you in and your obsession becomes about stopping the addict. If they would just stop drinking then I can become happy, becomes our mantra.
The truth is we must become happy in the midst of the suffering that this disease brings to our lives. We do still have choices for ourself. We must learn to detach and truly realize we have no power over any other human being, whether they are our husbands, wives, sons and daughters. Especially when it comes to addiction.
Continue to practice Alanon, it will get better for YOU, living with a person who has an addiction is the hardest path you could choose in this life, the choices are always yours to make.
Keep coming back, Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 25th of June 2011 03:29:14 PM
Thank you all....I attended another meeting today its very difficult just being at one makes me emotional . Around here the groups are very small it seems no more than like 8 people. The one i went to tonight was a different location but much like the first one. Three people were there from the same meeting i attended on monday. They can see my pain theyve been in al-anon for many years. I can feel they just want to reach out and hug me and tell me it will all be ok. All i do is cry and listen...Is this wrong. I feel so much pain and hurt. Im trying i want to change i want to detach myself from it all for now and forever. I deserve better and you are all so very right i cant change him i didnt cause it and i for sure cant cure it. It has been my absolute obsession for the last 10 years to try and make him better....ultimately ive damaged who i am. I have low self esteem and continue to throw myself pitty parties. But i am here today because of my choices and i am the only one who can make my life better! Thank you all for your support and understanding its a relief to know that so many others feel all the pain i feel and can help guide me through this! I will continue on... in this journey of recovery!
We are here for you in love and support. The feelings you are experiencing in the face to face meetings are so completely normal for newcomers. Keep attending meetings, coming here and posting. We will love you until you can love yourself.
