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Having an awful time....I officially broke up with my ABF because he is out and about every night with a bunch of girls. He says he has never cheated on me, but Im just tired of watching his life from the sidelines. I actually went out and met a really nice guy...obviously I am not looking for anything other than a friendship, but I started thinking that I am wasting my time with someone who just can't give me what I need. I feel so guilty...he hates me. He wants to never speak to me again and wants me to get my things from his apt asap. I tried to explain that I love him so much and Im doing this so that maybe someday when we both figure our lives out, we can get back together and start fresh. There is too much anger and resentment right now...I couldn't go back into our relationship and be happy. And he can't either. He thinks I want to go out and date a million people, but I just want to live my life and be happy. And I genuinely want him to be happy too. He doesn't see it. He hates me so much. I never thought I'd be the one to hurt him, but nothing was changing...and everything stays the same unless something changes. I feel like a horrible worthless person andI just want to crawl into my bed
Corgi...break ups are hard, but you have to be true to yourself. You cannot go through life making all efforts to avoid hurting others. It happens sometimes and it's not your fault. You are saying you were the one to hurt him. I don't see it that way. He hurt you plenty too. It's just a risk we take in relationships as adults.
You just did something good for yourself. It feels like crap now, but you did nothing wrong. You drew some boundaries and also figured out more about what is right for you in a relationship versus what is not.
This is progress. I am proud of you. Hold your head up.
One thought..."I never thought I'd be the one to hurt him." You didn't hurt him, he hurt himself. He created his own junk pile. You did what was best for you. You took care of yourself. Your head told you the next right thing to do, it's only taking your heart a little time to catch up.....and it will !!
Don't crawl in your bed, go do something nice for yourself......and have a nice weekend.
I think there is nothing wrong for acting in ones own interest. You said it in your post, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Practice self care, get a lovely cup of coffee, enjoy life one day at a time. This too shall pass.
I tell ya, if the man I was romantically involved with hung out with other women as you say your ABF does, I surely wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for breaking off the relationship.
From having some deep heartfelt discussions with my ex-AH the past few weeks, I would safely assume that who your ABF dislikes (hates) is himself, not you. If he is fortunate to have the courage to honest someday, he might tell you so himself. I waited over 26 years to hear it said to me. So don't hold your breath! Go out and make the life you want for yourself happen.
Your feelings will pass.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
(((Corgi))) I can only imagine how sad you must feel right now. I can definitely relate to the wanting to crawl into bed - I've felt like that a couple of times this week, wanted to pull the covers over my head too! You did what was the right thing for you, no matter how difficult that was. I see that as tremendous progress in TCOYF. By the way, you are a WONDERFUL, WORTHWHILE person!!! Now go do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.
Aloha Corgi...I had a wild thought reading your post and looking at your Avatar...I thought about sitting in front of your two pups and asking "Okay teach me how to smile like you both do!!" Probably get something back like "Happiness is an inside job. It isn't about where someone else is at or what they are doing. Smile"
For me I had to learn a much broader definition of "cheating on me" with my alcoholic/addict wife. The was the infidelity for sure and there was the disloyalty to our relationship too. She was soooo self centered as most alcoholics become aware of in sobriety and when she was self centered there was no additional room available outside of her ego. I was alone and I felt like you. The alcoholic's self centeredness is much about having what they want, when they want it to the degree that they want it and always. While they are out "doing their thing" you still have to be where they left you and expect you to be when they come looking. LOL (not laugh out loud though that one works also ....but.... Lots of Luck is the one I used when I woke up and learned that I was participating in the problem and enabling it to exist and continue. I learned in program that NO! is a complete sentence and not difficult at all to say and doesn't need translation or interpretation. I learned also to stop saying Sorry or excuse me to the person who stepped on my foot and feeling guilty inappropriately. If you quietly take the time to slowly think about Al-Anon's 3c's it will help to understand where his life ends and yours begins. Just remember that he is in your life because of your choices and you need to inspect and adjust your "chooser". Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
PS....Christy's suggestion is a good lead.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 24th of June 2011 06:44:53 PM
Corgi Don't give up look after yourself. Jerry said it perfectly alcoholics are selfish it's all about them but you can change that by looking after yourself. Enjoy the day go meet friends or go to a meeting. Be kind to yourself and detach with love. Easier said than done but u can do it :)
At one time, I didn't know how not to take it personally, either. But as you work a program, it's very likely that you will see how not to take it personally.
Al-Anon works miracles. Just a half a year ago, I would have never thought I'd say that.
Chin up. Keep doing the next right thing. It does get better.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
It could be possible that you aren't meant to be together. If that's true, or even if it isn't, keep repeating this to yourself:
"the world is unfolding exactly as it should, an I am exactly where I should be."
We don't always know the reasons that our lives take nasty turns and we are put through such ordeals.
This is the time to trust your HP, and know there is a lesson to be learned from the pain you are feeling. Use your time apart to examine and understand if he is or is not your one true love.
You can decide to separate today, but tomorrow, change your mind.
I've been doing a lot of deciding and undeciding the last few months.
I'm coming to realize what will be will be.
((hugs))
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If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently.
he's making it very difficult and i know he's saying things because he's hurting, but i don't know how to not take it personally =(
His hurt really isn't about you that's how you stop taking it personally. An active drinker has guilt, shame, fear and what I have discovered is that while as co-dependent, caretakers however you wish to qualify yourself the addicts do their own share of manipulation and controlling that of course as a sig other we allow. You have to take care of you and get healthy mentally, emotionally and spiritually. His hurt his resonsibility. Your well being your responsibility. Hugs and good luck :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so sorry Corgi2 that you are going through this. But I have to agree with some others that have said that you didn't do anything to hurt him...he has done that himself. He may place all the blame on you, but that is normal for the A...they can't take any responsibility. Him saying all you want to do is date, is his excuse to go out and do what the heck he wants, and feel better about it. It's like they need to make up a reason to make themselves feel ok in what they are doing. I used to think too, what if he hates me?....I didn't want him to hate me, I was so afraid that he would.....but why was that so important I wonder? Why is theirs or anyone else's opinion of us so important. At the time I was told I needed his validation for everything I did. Like I wanted him to see, and to say "oh I get it, your right, you have been right all along", and I needed his approval to do ANYTHING, so I wouldn't make him mad, or so I wouldn't give him an excuse to do this or that.....so I pushed and begged and pleaded, and watched every step I made...and got sicker and sicker and sicker....and he kept doing exactly what he wanted anyway.
Sorry to tell you my sad stories...lol....
I believe, if you keep that focus on yourself (and it sounds like your on your way), you will grow and florish....It will not happen in a day, you are allowed to have bad days, its a hard thing your going through....take it one day at a time and dont beat yourself up!!!....read your books and go to your meetings....they will truly help....you will get stronger to make good choices and happy choices that you can be confindent about....and don't ever feel guilty about taking care of yourself....cause your worthy of a good peaceful life...
