The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, hello! I'm happy there's an online al-anon board, I'm still not quite ready to go to an actual al-anon meeting, though I think I'm going to need to at some point soon.
My mother used to be an alcoholic, then quit for a couple of years, and then began using crack cocaine. She's been using crack for about 4 years now.
Just to pre-empt, I'm not very close to my mother, she put my brother and I in foster care when I was 4 years old, and has been essentially leeching off my brother and I emotionally for 30 years.
I've spent most of my life carnig for her, listening to her, being there for her, trying my best to heal whatever demons that torment her, but no matter how much I love her or am there for her, she NEVER changes. She's stuck in this state of constant self-pity and can't seem to shake herself out of it.
I cease all communication with her 2 years ago and have been happier and healthier than I have ever been in my entire life.
But sometimes the guilt eats me alive. Not often, anymore, I've got to the point where her succubus-like selfishness has tipped the scales and there's no more left in me to give to her. But.. I am a strong believer in karma, and in the power of love, so I feel very very guilty sometimes cutting her out of my life when she's so.. sad and desperate for love and attention and affection. I feel like I'm damaging my own karma, or something, by refusing to help her anymore.
So.. I guess my question is... is it wrong to cut an addict out of your life, especially one who has never really been there for you in the first place?
And.. how do you guys live with the guilt?
I've been getting into meditation and a sort of non-religious buddhism.. but they don't really cover "Being the child of an Addict" in the "How to Meditate" books, you know?
(or maybe they do and I should take a look for a "Meditation for Children of Addicts" book... anyone heard of anything like this?)
Thank you all so much, in advance, for any help or insight you can provide.
Welcome poodle noodle to MIP. I am so glad you are here. There are quite a few of us here on the board that have similar experiences as yours. Stick around, look and listen if you will for awhile. We enjoy hearing from newcomers.
Dear poodlenoodle, Sometimes we have to love them from a distance because it is to painful up close. From a distance, at least we can still retain the love.
One of the first things I was told when I became an Al-Anon member was to always take care of yourself first. Detaching from your mother is doing just that, you were taking care of yourself and as you indicated you were able to get your life back. There is nothing you can do or for that matter anyone else to change your mother. No one can be helped unless they are first willing to help themselves. The disease is to powerful. It consumes their mind, body, and spirit.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You gave her 30 years of your life. We are powerless over someone else's drinking or addiction. When we reach acceptance of that fact, and take the foucs off of them and put it where it should be.....on us, we can start our recovery. Turn your mother over to a power greater than yourself and continue taking care of you. Have no second thoughts. Having guilt only means you are being human. Know you are doing the best thing for your mother and in turn doing the best thing you can do for yourself.
Keep coming back. My suggestion to you is what worked for me. Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area where other members can give you the experience, strength, and hope you need and deserve. It's the next right thing you can do for yourself.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 11:27:12 PM
So glad you have found us. I hope you'll keep coming back and also find a meeting in your town. Try several because they are all different.
What we learn in Al-Anon is the three C's about addiction: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. In fact, when we try to "help" the addict, we are often protecting them from the consequences of their addition. And no one decides to get help for their addiction unless the consequences are worse than stopping. In other words, if they have a place to live, somehow they get food and coffee and their substance, and so on, they have no incentive to quit -- why would they? It's working for them. Their life choices may not work for the people around them, but they work for them. It's only when they face the real consequences of using that they may say, "Hey, this isn't working for me." Say they're put in jail because of the drugs or because they were driving drunk, or say they lost their place to live, or they couldn't put food on the table because they were busy chasing their addiction. Or they drove off their families and their children, who were too healthy to engage in the insanity that addiction creates.
Those are the kinds of things that might cause someone to reexamine their life. Even then it doesn't always work -- addictions make people insane and often they're incapable of making sane choices. But when they do decide to make a change, it's because the consequences have become too rough for them. I would dare say that no addict has ever said, "My addiction is going really well and life is easy, but I think I'll stop using anyway." They think about stopping when they're faced with real consequences.
That is one reason not to feel guilty for detaching and not helping your mom in her current lifestyle. You would actually be furthering her addiction -- what is called "enabling." Detaching isn't a tool to make anyone stop, though. It's what we do to take care of ourselves, the only person we can take care of. But it has the side effect of being real consequences for the addict. So detaching is the best way of helping your mother. You shouldn't feel guilty for it, but proud.
I look forward to what others have to say. Hugs to you.
I have a reverse situation going on here, as in I have been struggling with guilt over putting our son out, I think my guilt is more about my fear, I certainly feel better in myself when he isn't sucking the life out of me, that said it doesn't stop me caring and loving him from a distance, it does take some getting your head around to accept what is and what is not our responsibility, This is the first time my whole life I actually feel that I absolutely must takecare of myself first and formost, and allow others the same.
Hi there and welcome to MIP, I am glad you found us. There are face to face meetings for Adult Children of Addicts and various other Al-anon meetings. I attend every meeting I can and since I started at the beginning pf the year guilt has been lifting off of me slowly but surely. My sponsor has been priceless also. I too come from an addict parent and it is never easy when it it is in your family. I am reading the book "The 12 Steps For Adult Children" and it makes a lot of sense to me. I also read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, I have been reading Al-anon books like I am studying for an exam and the more I read the more my life has been getting better. I hope you keep coming back.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Welcome Poodle. No, it is not wrong to cut an alcoholic or addict out of your life. I understand the guilt you have with this being your mother...but your sense of Karma is a bit skewed here. I work with foster care kids as a counselor day in an day out. I personally think it's a miracle that you are functioning well enough to be able to give her anything after growing up in the system. I believe she doomed herself to bad Karma but this does not have to be your problem. I also understand that there may be deep seated issues about wanting to please mom due to baggage you might have from when you were little and maybe thought you were placed in foster care because you were bad or did something wrong. You are old enough to know better now and let that go right?
Anyhow, what you are describing is not guilt. It is shame. Guilt comes about when we do something we think is bad but know we can change it to be better. Shame is when we think we are bad and can't really change it. I hope you don't forever feel like a bad daughter when the reality is you have mother that makes it impossible for you to be a good daughter. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds here. Your post touched me due to the kids I work with. No matter how crappy their bio-parents treat them, they always still want their love and approval. It makes me sad, though I can't say I don't understand.
Sounds like you mostly know better now that you are grown though. You cut off communication for a reason. No need for shame or guilt.
