The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wouldn't say that my current situation is caused by alcohol....it may stem from about a year ago when my husband wasn't working and was only drinking. We've been through some very tough financial times. We have been evicted from our apartment and are currently living at an extended stay hotel, which in the long run is cheaper since ALL utilities are included. I am running out of time to get everything moved. I am due to renew my tags this month, our car payment is 2 months overdue, are cell phones (the only phone line we have) is on the verge of getting shut off, our car is in deperate need of multiple repairs and I can barely drive it anyplace without over heating it, and to top it all off out bank account is negative (only 4 dollars, thankfully) and I have VERY minimal food. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to get things done, but I feel that I have hit rock bottom!!! I keep thinking that I need to just turn everything over to God, but then the "rational" side of me thinks that doing so isn't going to help. These things still need paid and pay day feels like FOREVER away. All of these things are huge priorities and yet I find myself working almost every day in order to get overtime to help dig us out of the whole. Thankfully my AH is working and recovering well. Unfortunately the money isn't adding up quickly. We have thought about attempting to get food stamps or other assistance, but we make too much, just barely. Plus I don't want to take away any help that others may trully need. I am very lucky in many ways. I have a job that I love and that I have found mental fulfillment in, I have a wonderful husband that loves me, I have friends that care deeply about me, and a family that cares for me as well. Unfortunately my family and friends are in similar situations where they can barely afford their needs. I need help figuring out how to keep up my positive nature. I'm so tired from working all the time. I'm so lonely most of the time. (My husband is a truck driver and is home every two weeks) I feel like such a burden to my family and friends. Either they are trying to give me a little bit of money to keep my head above water, or they are stuck listening to me vent. They are willing to listen, but I still feel like a burden.
I have very little money, I am actually a single mom, and my bf's income is less than mine. He pays his share of the rent, and cell phone, but we usually have nothing else. I too have to register my car this month, pay off almos two years of back taxes (here we are charged property tax on our cars and every 6 months we are supposed to pay it.) I haven't had the money to pay the taxes so its added up to two years now, plus registering the car...I just can't do it. No one has much money right now, but somehow we will all make it...You can go to a food bank, take what you need there. I have been many times. Keep going to alanon meetings, the tools you learn will help you look at your situation differently... take care of you! You are not alone, you can come here anytime and vent!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear Kristi136188, I can sure relate to the stress of your financial situation and how overwhelming it feels. I have been there myself. I know the sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach.
I have read your post over three times. I cannot, for the life of me, see where there is cause for you to feel like a burden to your family. Perhaps there are details that you didn't put in your post.
If you could, please give some clarification. Why should you have the stress of feeling "less than" with everything else going on?
with sincerity and love, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 06:37:36 AM
Kristi, no wonder you are feeling stressed. That's a lot to stay on top of, and there isn't much room for mistakes or miscalculations. In the long run, it's the challenges and crises that make us grow to the next level, if we can accept the challenge -- so maybe you will come out of this an expert at strategizing money and the rest. In the short term, though, it sure can be overwhelming. This is where I think of the part of the serenity prayer where it says "accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can..." Telling the difference is maybe the hardest part.
A therapist once told me that a healthy person knows, "I will get through this okay." For me it's an extra challenge that I have to figure out how to do it. I think this is because my mother's (not very helpful) response to problems was to pretend they didn't exist and therefore to do nothing about them. So growing up I didn't learn how to take the bull by the horns and not be freaked out. Sometimes it's so hard to keep the faith and keep "doing the next right thing" when you can't see what the end will look like. I have to say that it's worked a lot better for me than freezing in my tracks, though!
But what I most meant to say was no wonder you are feeling the stress. Please take good care of yourself and know that you are doing a hard, good job.
I sure relate to the loss of material comfort. I am grateful for what my sponsor taught me - it was all Gods in the first place. (its a personal belief, take what you like and leave the rest.) When I think about the past, about my sprawling home in the exclusive neighborhood, I say, "thank you, God, for letting me live in YOUR house for 10 years. And today, thank you for letting me live in YOUR city apartment where all my needs are met."
God supplies what I need because God seems to love and support me, no matter how I messed up my life. I feel enormously blessed because my every need is met. Imagine that! it just gives me goosebumps to type it!
And you know what? You may need to use assistance, just for today. I know fellowship members who have lived out of their car for a while. Today, you would never know it. Never. Stay close to the One who owns the whole universe and things change.
So, I love step three!
In my experience, however, it doesn't mean that I should park it in the lazy boy. In my experience, when I just keep doing as I believe Higher Power would have me do... keep doing the next right thing... and the next right thing, and the next... and humbly rely on Him... things got better.
To me, step three is about my faith and about making the time to BE with Higher power. The AA 12x12 asks, how and by what specific means am I going to demonstrate step 3? For me personally, meditating every day/twice a day and getting outdoors to be among the sky and trees and near water... those are the surest ways for meeting Higher power.
Some days I fall short, I start "thinking"... I get fearful again. And what happens is, I begin to notice the things outside of me start falling short, things don't go as smoothly. I try to remember that HP wants me to trust and stay calm.... and every day is a new opportunity to demonstrate my faith. When I get my strength from the One who owns the Universe.... I am wearing my "program high-heels!!" as we like to say in my women's meeting, hahaha! and its a beautiful thing because I start walkin' in Gods grace.
God does for me what I cannot do for myself. My job is to practice trust and faith. To trust and stay calm in the storm. There is an old hymn that I love and often play on piano, "No storm can shake my in-most calm, while to that Rock I'm clinging... since LOVE is lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?!" ( I have goosebumps again)
Keep in mind, things rarely happen on my time-table OR MY FAMILY'S TIMETABLE FOR ME, boy, I sure do relate to that!!!!! It happens in God's perfect timing. My job is to stay humble, learning that I am right where I am supposed to be... feeling it all, accepting it all, as it is.
From where I sit, you still seem to have tremendous gratitude in your circumstances, and that inspires me so much today, thank you for posting! Keep your gratitude journal close and just keep writing. Sometimes as I'm walking in the alley to my car, I affirm and say out loud, "the universe loves me and gives me everything I need!" Keep a thankful heart... and the blessings will keep coming, that is my experience.
Let your breath be a beautiful reminder, that you are God's very own, sweetie. You can never be a "less-than"... despite the determination of others to make us feel otherwise, lol
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 08:29:32 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 08:37:00 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 09:07:44 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you all for all your encouragement. It has given me courage to go out in the world today and do the best I can. Some days it's really hard to say that. Many times when small things happen that set me back I am able to say "if that's the worst thing that can happen to me, then I'll be ok." I do try to cling to that. I love what you said glad-lee, about using step 3 as a chance to get back to HP, to appreciate all that is around. I am able to make it through each day and I do have the basics of what I need to survive. Some days it's a challenge to line up everything I need, but usually when I'm at my worst, something great happens. It just seems that my worst is getting lower and lower. I do strongly believe in God does not give you anything you can not handle. I just think anymore He is -really- trying to streatch me thin.
@Otie- When I say that I feel like a burden, I say that because the people I do have to confide in are also going through difficult times, and honestly some of them are going through things that I don't think I could handle. So I feel like I'm adding to their stresses by venting mine. They have enough to worry about, why have them worry about me?
Quick question: Do you have a sponsor or a few ph. numbers of Al-Anon members that you could call and talk through problems/challenges?
For many years, I would vent to one particluar family member; in hindsight, I realize it's best to not do that for reasons that are beyond the scope of this reply to your post.
I do not have a sponsor yet and have just begun to mingle before meetings. Slowly, I'm becoming more comfortable to open up to a few members who have similar challenge as me.
And many times, I take my "stuff" to my HP and patiently wait for answers. Have any spare patience
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
stretching you thin for what purpose, do you think?
For me, it was to pull me closer. I was told, there are no athiests on a sinking ship, and don't I know it! I walk very closely with Higher power when I am in fear for my survival because.... I don't have anywhere else to go!!!! It's all been taken, Thank you God, a life apart from You made me miserable.
More than anything, Higher power wants me to STAY CALM with Him... it really is the "work" of my entire recovery, so that I can feel that peace. I simply cannot function... and certainly cannot be of any service to Him.... if I am insane with my fearful thinking.
I get to make a decision every day.... God is everything. or else, God is nothing.
***EVERYTHING***
Stay in the day, sweetie. I too believe, God won't give me anything I cannot handle... only... only... only... when I get with God. When I hear that phrase, I often think of the day I challenged my sponsor by arguing, "What about the people who are institutionalized, God did, indeed, give them more than they can handle!!!!" I was silenced when she replied,
"They tried to do it alone."
I cannot do this alone. I think that is why God keeps bringing me to my knees, so I won't forget, lol. The outcomes may not be what I "think" I need. But they are exactly what I need. What more can I possibly need than to be filled with Spirit?
Stick with the One who owns the universe, my friend, and you're going to be okay. My disease will try to separate me from HP on a daily basis... the effing disease lives in my effing brain!! I am only as strong as my effort to protect myself... with the steps, the meetings, meditation, being outdoors, etc, etc.
Namaste ((dear one))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 01:12:19 PM
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 08:55:02 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
